I Don't Know Where to Begin

I don't have a lot of time to blog right now, but I can't let this moment pass. I'm mostly teary as I continue to read through Radical. I have an overwhelming sense of just how much I have failed to see the purpose for which God created me. How did I live so long in a big house, with a nice car, with a bunch of STUFF, spending thousands on vacations & eating out when all the while men, women, & children all over the world (& in the U.S. too!) are dying due to malnutrition, no clean water and no vaccines or healthcare for preventable diseases.


A quote from Radical I read today that grieves me for how much I have been deceived:

"Today more than a billion people in the world live and die in desperate poverty. They attempt to survive on less than a dollar per day. Close to two billion others live on less than two dollars per day. That's nearly half the world struggling today to find food, water, and shelter with the same amount of money I spend on french fries for lunch.
More than twenty-six thousand children today will breathe their last breath due to starvation or a preventable disease. To put it in perspective for the church I (David Platt) pastor, if this were happening among the children in my community, then every child eighteen years or younger in our county would be dead within the next two days."


O, how my soul groans for what we have allowed!

And yet, satan whispers in my ear that I am only one...what can I possibly do? Where to begin? Why should it be me? Don't I have a family to raise? Kids to feed, clothe and entertain? Don't we deserve vacations, respite from life's trials?

To all of this I say, "YOU HAVE LIED TO ME TOO LONG! YOU ARE NOT THE MASTER OF MY DESTINY. YOU HAVE DECEIVED MY HEART INTO THINKING THAT MY PLEASURE AND COMFORT ARE SOMEHOW MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE NEEDS OF BILLIONS OF OTHERS. GET OUT YOU SERPENT, YOU LIAR, YOU WHO ARE FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL. GOD ALMIGHTY HAS SHOWN ME THE LIGHT AND HAS GIVEN ME THE GRACE TO GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME. I WILL FOLLOW HIM...NOT YOU!"

Okay, enough yelling! But I DON'T see where this is all going to lead. I can't KNOW in this moment how Holy Spirit wants me to act. BUT I know He is FAITHFUL and is putting into place the path He has for us.

Radical by David Platt

I knew when I saw a small blurb in Christianity Today about this book, I HAD to read it. The full title is Radical: Taking Back Your Faith From the American Dream and I knew it would challenge & continue to convict me in the direction the Holy Spirit has already been leading us. My expectations were right on the money (no pun intended!)!

Here is an excerpt from pages 12-13:

"This is where we come face to face with a dangerous reality. We do have to give up everything we have to follow Jesus. We do have to love him in a way that makes our closest relationships in this world look like hate. And it is entirely possible that he will tell us to sell everything we have and give it to the poor.
Be we don't want to believe it...So we rationalize these passages away...
And this is where we need to pause. Because we are starting to redefine Christianity. We are giving in to the dangerous temptation to take the Jesus of the Bible and twist him into a version of Jesus we are more comfortable with.
A nice, middle-class, American Jesus. A Jesus who doesn't mind materialism and who would never call us to give away everything we have...A Jesus who brings us comfort and prosperity as we live out our Christian spin on the American dream.
But do you and I realize what we are doing at this point? We are molding Jesus into our image. He is beginning to look a lot like us because, after all, that is whom we are most comfortable with. And the danger now is that when we gather in our church buildings to sing and lift up our hands in worship, we may not actually be worshiping the Jesus of the Bible. Instead we may be worshiping ourselves."

I know this is lengthy, but I couldn't do it justice if I edited it down much more. The point is, Platt doesn't hold back. From the beginning, he is stating his case, supporting it with Scripture and challenging American Christians to move away from their lives of comfort & pleasure seeking and move back toward the Jesus of the Gospels. THIS is what we were created for!

Continuing my study in James is a perfect pair for this book. James too was an author that didn't dally with niceties. He's not very wordy. He states his case, supports it with example and challenges ALL of us to move away from the worldly life and into the Holy Wild of drawing closer to this Amazing God!

I've just spent about a week wading through Chapter 3 and as if the challenge to tame the tongue weren't enough, now in verses 13-18 of that chapter James is fleshing out what wisdom is. Basically, my good behavior, my good deeds in gentleness is what will show the measure of wisdom I have.

Earthly, natural (or unspiritual), demonic (ouch) wisdom includes bitter jealousy, selfish ambition in my heart and arrogance (v. 15). BUT God's wisdom is pure, peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, and without hypocrisy. (v. 17)

What struck me as I pondered this passage is that most of the fuel to live out the American Dream comes from all of these earthly-wise characteristics (jealousy, selfish ambition, arrogance). Owning a house, a nice car, nice clothes, taking big vacations, eating out are not evil practices...BUT is the reason I have them because of earthly wisdom or God's wisdom. Can I start to filter my wants & needs through this list? Am I buying a new car because of jealousy or because owning brand new will allow me to put more miles on it for God's work? OR can I buy one that's dirt cheap, still use it for God's work and because I didn't pay much for it, am able to let it slip through my hands into another's when the opportunity arises?

This is how we're being challenged. I can't believe we're the only ones! What can I do today that I absolutely can NOT do in my own power...but requires the work of the Holy Spirit. This is how He receives the glory. If I only give my 10% tithe, is that just a membership fee or can I give away so much that I am utterly dependent on Him to provide for us?

James 3:18 says, "And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace." There's a cross-reference for the word seed. It's found in Hosea 10:12,

"Sow with a view to righteousness,
Reap in accordance with kindness;
Break up your fallow ground,
For it is time to seek the LORD
until he comes to rain righteousness on you."

Holy Spirit, our ground has been fallow TOO long. I want to seek You...the ineffable One...with EVERY ounce of my being. Help me sow with righteousness in my view & reap with kindness. I pray for your righteousness to rain on me. Lead me, guide me, direct me to follow YOUR dream...not the American one! Amen

More James...Ouch!

James 3:5b-6 says "See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell."

Thinking back over my life, most of the trouble I've ever gotten into appears to have started with my tongue. Pride, jealousy, bitterness, dissension, gossip, etc. have (I am sad to say) all somehow started with my tongue. And this morning as I read this passage, I couldn't read more than 2-3 verses before I felt an overwhelming urge to say , "Woe to me for I am a person of unclean lips and live among a people of unclean lips!" Not an exact quote of Isaiah, but you get the point.

How many times has my tongue influenced and directly led the "course of my life"? My Bible even interchanges life with existence...Oh, Abba...I've allowed this tiny thing to so often determine the very path of my EXISTENCE. Purge me! Cleanse me!

BUT I'm mature enough to know that this DOESN'T start with my tongue!!! By the time it reaches my tongue it's already taken root in my mind and in my heart. I've heard (or read!) Beth Moore say over and again that we have to "take captive" our thoughts. I once read that the key to learning forgiveness is to shut up and listen. My husband & my daughter are probably 2 of the most compassionate people I know & yet, they are also 2 of the quietest. When they say something...people listen because it is probably worth hearing!

Holy Spirit, take control of my thoughts, help me hear YOUR leading, YOUR thoughts so that I may only speak as you direct. Take control of this tiny tongue that can set aflame a great forest. You made it...I give it back to You as Your instrument to use as You will! Amen!

A Little Extra Thankfulness

Last night I gave Dale a little tighter hug. No, it's not TMI...it's my genuine thankfulness for his determination to stick with our family through life's storms.

I'm not a quitter & in fact, I'm just rebellious enough that if you tell me I can't do something or that I will fail at something...I dig my heels in & try even harder. But, I'm only me...and I'm SO thankful my loving Abba placed a man in my path that for whatever reason, has decided to stick it out with me.

We are not all so blessed. And we've definitely had our rough patches...some that I thought might even do us in. (You know, there are many that throw in the towel & still co-habitate.) But I am DETERMINED that God had MUCH more in mind for us when He brought us together.

So we're co-authors on this journey of writing a better story. And it's absolutely unexplainable without a Holy Spirit as to how much we are being led to love the same things, shun the same things and find joy & delight in the same things. Two VERY different minds finding a common purpose & divine plan for their lives is nothing short of miraculous!

Once again, God provided just what I needed before I ever knew I needed it. I still remember the evening...even where I was when I was sad because of hearing that someone I "thought" I was interested in was dating another. In that car as real as if He'd spoken out loud, Holy Spirit said to my heart, "But he's not My best for you." He knew Dale was His best for me...I just didn't know it yet!

Abba, thank You for arranging my marriage! You are a merciful Father that knows EXACTLY who and what is best for me. Help me have confidence that You ALWAYS will! Amen!

How Dare You!

I once heard Tony Compolo tell a story about speaking to a women's group & they started by asking him to pray for money for some project they wanted to give to. Apparently, he says, he wasn't in a good mood that day! He said something like, 'No, I won't! I won't pray for it because together we probably already have it. Here...I'll empty out my wallet (he adds it was a good thing he only had a 20 on him that day!) and we'll go through one by one, empty our wallets and see how much we collect.'

He had the musician play and made the ladies file row by row past the altar and empty out their wallets. He said by the time they were done, they had MORE than the amount they had wanted him to pray for (and adds that he knows some of the old ladies were holding out on him!). Then he got back up in front of them and said, 'How dare you! How dare you ask God for what He has already given you!'

This came home to me recently. I'd asked for people to help us by donating for the picnic. Actually, that was me not trusting the Holy Spirit to do His work.
As I looked around our home, I saw the stacks of paper plates & cups that I've stocked up on with coupons, the rolls of paper towel (that can be used for napkins) that my mom had already given us & last week, Dale's mom sent some money for us (so that has covered the shelter rental & will pay for the pizza!).

How DARE I ask for the Holy Spirit to provide, when He ALREADY has! I pray that I remember this lesson! It's a good one!

Holy Spirit, You are active and living in me. I thank You for Your supernatural guidance and supernatural provision. You even intercede for me when I don't know how to pray! Thank You for bringing deep joy and encouragement to my life. I am thankful for a God that is so active in my life that He provides even BEFORE I ask for it. Amen!

My Prayer for Today

"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness,
and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more.
I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace.
I am ashamed of my lack of desire.

O God, the Triune God,
I want to want Thee;
I long to be filled with longing;
I thirst to be made more thirsty still.

Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed.
Begin in mercy a new work of love within me.
Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away."
Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland
where I have wandered so long."

--A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God

Lesson for the Day

Sunday, June 5, 2011:
The last few days, I've been going back through my old posts and attaching labels to them. I came across this one that I wrote last July and for some unknown reason, never published. Amazingly, and yes, in God's timing...it is STILL applicable for me today!


July 2010-
I could EASILY put behind the title of this blog #154 or higher. I feel like the last 3 months the lessons I learn each day are innumerable. But there's one I'm struggling to learn and I think the answer is to just relax & quit trying to figure out ALL the details. This is a TOUGH one for me! When I can't see how we can POSSIBLY put all of the pieces together, I have difficulty relaxing & letting Holy Spirit do His work...His way. Ugh! I'm trying :-)

Then yesterday, a mom that I hope to be getting to know better e-mailed me and was profusely grateful for starting this network of single moms. It has been a burden on her heart for a LONG time. And she finished with the remark that "it's a tough road to hoe alone." THAT'S why Dale & I have been called to do this...NOT so we can get other people involved (if others join us fine...but if not...that's okay too). We are called to this so that moms that are travelling this road alone, realize that they are NOT alone. Her words (prompted by the Holy Spirit I'm sure!) were EXACTLY what I needed to refocus my heart.

And by yesterday afternoon in Crazy Love, Francis Chan said this:

"Oswald Chambers wrote, "Never make a principle out of your experience; let God be as original with other people as He is with you." To that I would add. "Be careful not to turn others' lives into the mold for your own." Allow God to be as creative with you as he is with each of us."

I've never felt that others should home school because we do. I've never felt that I've needed to send my kids to school just because someone thinks I do. So why do I let others financial or spiritual lives concern me? Why do I try to keep up with the spending habits, level of commitment to community, or whatever of others, influence my actions and thinking, or for that matter even consume my thoughts at all??

Francis Chan's comments & the wonderful e-mail I received just once again AFFIRM that this whole story is NOT ABOUT ME!!!

God is AMAZING & I LOVE being in love with Him!

More Boot Camp with James

"What use is it, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but he has no works? Can that faith save him?" (James 2:14) In my Inductive Study Bible, this verse has a cross-reference to James 1:22, "But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers that delude themselves." And this verse has a reference that goes back to Luke 5:46 where Jesus said, "Why do you call Me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say?"

Ouch!

I have allowed myself to be deluded for too long! And I watched last night as my 14 year old presented her case to me for a cell phone. And all I could think was, "Oh Lord, I've allowed her to become deluded as well!" I can't just pat myself on the back & think how great we've been to hold out this long. She & only one other friend have parents that are the last hold outs against cell phones. She even wants to start some type of "job" to pay for it.

Why does my teenager need the pressure of a monthly bill while people all over the world are starving?? I have recently been thinking of getting rid of OUR cell phones. My biggest use for it is as a watch. I don't text, don't even have e-mail set up on it & RARELY use it. So we made a deal. She can have mine for one month. She has to pay all text fees, if she goes over our minutes, she'll have to pay for those. And I'm going to encourage her to really pray and take notice of how much she really NEEDS this. I personally don't think I'll miss my phone. If my kids need me, I'm usually somewhere that has a phone & can be paged or w/someone else that has a phone. If at the end of this month, I haven't needed it, I think mine & Dale's will be cancelled & she can get her own prepaid phone. This is a good trial run for us both!

I can't believe how we have ALL bought into this NEED thing. I made the point that Dale & I grew up w/o them & survived (I know, I sound like SUCH a parent!). Dale said, "Well, our parents could come back with, 'we grew up without TV and survived!'" I said, 'yeah, what's your point? We TOTALLY don't need that either!'

This isn't intended to bash anyone or be negative about the choices that people make. I just can't BELIEVE how deluded I've been. When my NEEDS are stretching the budget thin & cause me stress about how to pay for them, or keep me from being able to give to others that can't buy food or clothing...that stands as a direct contradiction to the life that Jesus called us to!

I know, enough ranting. I just want to be used by Holy Spirit in the way He first created me to be...and I am believing with more and more of my heart daily that it doesn't include all of these gadgets and comforts that I've told myself for so long I need!

Holy Spirit, help me be a DOER of Your Word...not a hearer that is deluded! Amen!

Giving with a Generous Heart

Good conversation last night at cell group about our wants, our needs, the things that would make life easier and filtering all of those through God's Mission.
When Wes spoke on Philippians 4:10-13, he gave some background on the Philippians & their giving.

Turns out the church at Philippi is one of the churches Paul was writing about in 2 Corinthians 8:1-5 that gave out of "the most severe trial" and their "extreme poverty". We also talked about how to make generosity more a part of our lives.

The funny thing is, for the 1st time in my life, I understand this. When I was giving out of an abundance, I would often do it grudgingly. But now that we don't have an abundance & we're dependent upon God's mercy...KNOWING that everything is a gift from Him DOES make it a lot easier to let stuff (& money) go.

Then, last night as I was reading through Crazy Love (Francis Chan), what does the chapter start talking about...you guessed it...giving. He even references the 2 Corinthians passage that Wes had discussed. But he also points to the miracle when Jesus fed the thousands.

"Jesus gave the loaves to His disciples and then the disciples passed them out to the crowd. Imagine if the disciples had simply held onto the food Jesus gave them, continually thanking Him for providing lunch for them. That would've been stupid when there was enough food to feed the thousands who were gathered and hungry.
But that is exactly what we do when we fail to give freely and joyfully. We are loaded down with too many good things, more than we could ever need, while others are desperate for a small loaf. The good things we cling to are more than money; we hoard our resources, our gifts, our time, our families, our friends. As we begin to practice regular giving, we see how ludicrous it is to hold on to the abundance God has given us and merely repeat the words thank you."

Hmmm...I'm sensing a theme...over and over again. EVERYTHING I'm being drawn to read in Scripture...the books I'm being drawn to read...confirm over and over again that the American church has gotten it ALL wrong. I SO need to get my hands on a copy of Radical by David Platt! It apparently talks about this "blind spot" in American Christianity that my indulgence, my comfort, my abundance at the expense of others is somehow okay. I've always had a "soft spot" for the poor, but could VERY easily turn my eyes & heart away when I didn't see them.

Now Holy Spirit is bringing to mind REPEATEDLY, the desire to help the "widows and the orphans" and the poor...down my street, in my state (i.e. Appalachia), and around the globe. Holy Spirit just reminded me this morning that this passion is a newly awakened one, it takes time to formulate a plan. It seems like it's a sudden, drastic change...and it is. As I was thinking about it, He assured my heart that as I seek after His (heart)...I will naturally care about the things that He does!

I am SO ready! As long as He leads me, I'm ready to put feet to my thoughts and words...AND take our family along on the journey. I see it in my kids...they WANT more excitement...they HAVE passion, compassion, blind-trust and love. It's time we use these gifts to write a better story!

Some Thought-Provoking Quotes

If you've read through my other posts, you may understand that Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years just affirmed EVERYTHING that Holy Spirit has been teaching me for the last 3 months.

Here's some great quotes from the book:

"Robert McKee says humans naturally seek comfort and stability. Without an inciting incident that disrupts their comfort, they won't enter into a story. They have to get fired from their job or be forced to sign up for a marathon. A ring has to be purchased. A home has to be sold. The character has to jump into the story, into the discomfort and the fear, otherwise the story will never happen."

"After a tragedy, I think God gives us a period of numbing as a kind of grace. Perhaps He knows our small minds, given so easily to false hope, couldn't handle the full brunt of reality."


"The oldest book of the Bible is supposedly the book of Job. It is a book about suffering, and it reads as though God is saying to the world, Before we get started, there's this one thing I have to tell you. Things are going to get bad."


"Later...when I began thinking about story as a guide for life, I took a lot of comfort in (this) principle. It wasn't necessary to win for the story to be great, it was only necessary to sacrifice everything."


Don't just read these...ponder them & let them soak in. Better yet, pick up a copy of the book and prepare to have Holy Spirit challenge you to write a better story!

Worry is in my DNA

I come from a super-worrier. If there was an Olympic medal for worry, my mom would have won 3 Olympics running (maybe more!).

I tell myself I'm not worrying, but in truth, I am! So what do I do about it. Re-reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan reminded me that both worry AND stress REEK of arrogance. I KNOW the Holy Spirit whispered to my heart about 2 years ago the simple word...humility. And I have had a painful, drawn-out lesson trying to learn it. But I can't be arrogant AND humble at the same time...can I?

Worry & stress BOTH imply that my problems are somehow MORE than God (the Creator of the Universe by the way!) can handle. Francis Chan's thought, not mine...but nevertheless...TRUE!

Wouldn't living a life free from worry and stress be absolutely amazing???!!!

Holy Spirit, protect my heart from worry. I KNOW You have a supernatural plan for our family. I KNOW You're writing a MUCH better story than I had been. I KNOW that You'll protect, lead, guide, provide and mostly LOVE us through ANYTHING that comes our way. There ARE days that one more thing feels like it will send me over the edge. Help me on those days to remember to not let myself be pushed over the edge...but rather to LEAP over the edge into Your sturdy arms and just wait in excited anticipation of the deliverance that only YOU can bring! You are an amazing God and I am so blessed to know You! Amen!

James is kicking my butt!!

Recently went through a study of Philippians & found GREAT encouragement. It was EXACTLY what I needed. I was so thirsty that I found myself trying to work my ENTIRE day around finding more time to spend with the Holy Spirit.

But as Dale & I started to talk about our conviction to help single moms and their children, I felt myself being drawn to James. I'm sure I've read it before, but I've NEVER read it like this! Part of our life-altering experience came about by reading Forgotten God by Francis Chan. If you haven't read it, I can NOT recommend it more highly than this: The Holy Spirit used it as a catalyst to 'open my eyes to God's heart'. (to paraphrase an overdone worship song!)

Awakening to the transforming power of the Holy Spirit living IN me has been like NOTHING I have EVER experienced. Sure, there have been seasons of knowing He was near...but I had NEVER considered that "Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us...so that we might receive the promised Spirit through faith." (Galatians 3:13-14)

He died...SO THAT the Holy Spirit could live in me!

I have taken this for granted, far TOO long.

So that's the background of the beginning of this transformation in me! Now as we were feeling led to help single moms, the Holy Spirit drew me to James. In my first reading, here's what I found:

"Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world." (James 1:27)

You'll see this in one of my text boxes on this page. It is what I believe is now a mission statement for my life. But in digging into the 2nd chapter today, I found this:
"For judgment will be merciless to one who has shown no mercy; mercy triumphs over judgment" (James 2:13)

There is a cross-reference for this verse in Proverbs 21:13:

"He who shuts his ear to the cry of the poor
Will also cry himself and not be answered."

I could NOT have wept harder. Do you see the path onto which the Holy Spirit is leading us? My eyes & heart have been shut too long. There's some more books I'm trying to get my hands on: Radical by David Platt and The Biblical Vision of Sabbath Economics by Ched Myers both of these mentioned in the June 2010 issue of Christianity Today. Both talking about helping the poor.

To top this all off, just within the last 3 days I've been thinking that Holy Spirit is drawing us to help single moms & their children, BUT these women are STILL more wealthy than 90% or more of the world's population. I also know that one of the BEST ways to experience the heart of God is through giving. I'd like to give single moms of Northern KY a chance to give back. Holy Spirit is already laying ideas & plans on my heart. BUT as I prayed for an organization that would be reputable & handle any donations well, Samaritan's Purse came to mind. I went on their website and the heading for their July newsletter said this "CARING FOR ORPHANS AND WIDOWS".

Now, if given the same circumstances, what would you do? Does He have to spell it out for me in any clearer language? How can I turn back now? I'm dreaming of a partnership between single moms & their children of Northern KY and an organization ALREADY in place that is ALREADY helping widows and orphans around the world. And Paul wrote that "(He) is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." (Ephesians 3:20)

The title for this blog came about because I've just been reading Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years and it's ALL about writing a better story for our lives. I've been leading our children down a VERY boring story, one of seeking out our own comfort and pleasure...all the while, there's been a NAGGING in the back of my brain that something just isn't right!

I guess I kept thinking when my kids were grown I could "do something BIG for Jesus". But I NOW believe the best thing I can do for our kids is let the Holy Spirit re-write our story...a MORE exciting one...one of love, compassion, nurturing others, giving so they have the strength to give back and doing ALL of this only by the power and strength of the Holy Spirit.

I'm overwhelmed at the thought of the JOY this will bring to our lives. I have to confess, I'm a little scared too. The human in me can't possibly see how the Holy Spirit is going to connect all the dots. BUT, He's the One that put the dots in place...I think I can trust Him to get us to the next connection!

Come back from time to time and see what He's doing!

Angela

Why start a blog?

I've toyed with the idea for a couple of weeks. I'd tried starting an e-mail group of women, but it turned out to be more like a blog. Rarely was anyone responding...and that's fine. It's just that if I'm going to blog, it might as well not be through e-mail.

Also, as Dale & I start this part of our journey, I thought this would be a good place to post updates, photos of gatherings and a place for the women with whom we interact to come and find encouragement, trade information and contact us.

Mostly though, within the last 2 months, I have found my heart to be so full and overflowing, that writing in my journal just isn't enough. I LOVE to exchange ideas, challenge people to a new (yet old!) way of thinking and get insightful feedback from people who are processing through some of the same thoughts I've had.

So there it is...
and here goes!