Grand Canyon

Thanks to Spotify, I've been listening to Susan Ashton a lot lately. I'd forgotten how much I liked her music. I guess once I discovered Sara Groves, I set Susan aside. But there's a song that's been playing over and over in my head for a few days that's expressed exactly how I've been feeling..."Grand Canyon".

"Sometimes I feel like I'm
As close as Your shadow and,
Sometimes I feel like I'm
Looking up and You

From the bottom of the Grand Canyon
So small and so far.
From the Grand Canyon
With a hole in my heart.

And I'm a long way from where I know
I need to be
When there's a Grand Canyon
Between You and me."

Feeling "distant" is the only way I know to describe how I've felt for the last few weeks. Oh, God has still be good, faithful and involved in my life, but there's just been this "feeling" I guess I would describe as an absence of closeness.

Partly, I know why. This is the same time last year that I lost focus and floundered for several months. I know it's the holidays...because for we poor folks (trying to keep this light and upbeat by using "folks")...the holidays just exacerbate our already overwhelming frustration with finances. Sure, I'm okay with having a "lean and mean" Christmas...but that's difficult to explain to your kids. They have responded well to some suggestions we've made about keeping expenses down...but still, as a mom...wait...as an American mom...I have this preconceived notion that my kids just won't be happy with one or two small gifts.

But finances are only a small manifestation of what the root problem is...it's a battle that is waging to keep me distracted from the Love of my Abba. Even as I'm reading Repenting of Religion, and am telling myself that I am in Christ, it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me so I can ascribe unsurpassable worth through His Love to others...I'm not ascribing that same worth to myself or those closest to me. Honestly, I've just felt very mean and nasty the last few days and I couldn't understand why.

Then this morning with the song above playing in my head, I wrote this in my journal: "I feel distant, Lord. I don't hear you, I'm struggling to see You. Please give me the faith to believe Your promises. You are faithful and true." I went on to ask Him to fill me to overflowing with His Love, His Holy Spirit, and to help me let His Love flow out of me and to others...especially those closest to me.

Then, nagging in the back of my brain was another song, "Nothing to Say" by Andrew Peterson:

"The mountains sing Your Glory, Hallelujah.
The canyons echo sweet amazing grace.
My spirit sails
The mighty gales are bellowing Your name.
And I've got nothing to say."

Several years ago I had the privilege of seeing the Grand Canyon (these are actually my photos at the top and bottom), and that chorus made a whole lot more sense. The depth...the height...the width of those canyons are just a speck compared to the depth, height and width of God's amazing grace...His Love.

So this morning, I specifically asked God to let me hear Him today...to give me the privilege of seeing His power and His glory. Beth Moore says it takes a lot of chutzpah to ask to see His glory...and today...I was ready. He just never quite does things the way I expect! Amen!

I opened up Facebook about 15 minutes ago and I was sobbing at what He had done. For some reason...and in one of those unexplainable ways that He does...He had a dear friend send me a lengthy letter...addressed from Him and to me. I cannot describe the emotion...the Love that I felt washing over me. My friend could have had no clue how this e-mail would mean so much!

He told me to ask for it...and He was showing me His Glory, Hallelujah! Praise His Name, even when you feel like you're standing at the bottom of the Grand Canyon...those canyons definitely echo with His sweet amazing grace!