If you've bothered to stick with me through the last few months, I owe you an apology. From the beginning, I wanted this blog to be a source or encouragement, truth, hope and authentic Christian living. Well, I may have been truthful and authentic, but I was anything but encouraging and hopeful. For this, I am sincerely sorry.
I do hope that even in the midst of this latest gloom-fest, you did at least sense that I was trying to find the meaning or the purpose or the "silver lining" of it all. I do pray that I communicated well that God was continually faithful in His provision, His teaching and most of all, His love for me. I do believe that even in the midst of my grief (for lack of a better word), He could use some tiny iota of truth that spoke to your heart and either challenged or encouraged you. But mostly, I do know that He was faithful and will continue to be and I do know that even in the midst of my ridiculous worrying, fretting, doubting and self-indulgent pity I communicated through it all that I knew it was me who had the issue...not Him. I did have a lot of questions, but I'm far enough into this to know to ask them the right way...or so I thought.
You see, I was asking why I couldn't hear Him or why was I running from Him or why did I doubt Him when He's been faithful all along. In some way, I guess those questions were valid. I think where I went wrong was to whom I was directing the questions. Was I asking the One who held the answers? Of course not, or I wouldn't have been in this silly slump to begin with! No, I was asking myself and expecting myself to come up with the answer and then getting even more discouraged with myself for not solving whatever the issue was that I couldn't figure out in the first place. Warped? I'll own it...yes it is.
So how did He pull me out of the slump? Well, it started with the realization that He's the one that I needed to let do the pulling. Then I told Him I was going to hang on and not let go know matter where He took me in my thoughts and prayers and that even if He never spoke to me again, I was hanging on for dear life. I asked Him to give me His eyes to see the blessings all around me...even in the little things. I begged Him to hear His voice again. And I asked Him to interrupt my day with songs, scripture, prayer requests and anything that would turn me back to Him. And of course...He was faithful to do all of this and more.
Yet again...we never went without a meal, we never missed a rent payment, we never ran out of gas by the side of the road and we never had to turn someone down who needed help in some way. In an effort at full disclosure, there where times we had to turn down going to see friends or running here and there because of limited funds...but the world did not even begin to crumble because of the choices we had to make.
What I love is that this time, He didn't start giving us financial blessings so that I would have faith. No, this time He gave me the faith...and then came the blessings. There are truly too many songs...too many conversations with Dale, the kids or others...too many scriptures...too many itty bitty delights to recall all in this post to try to sum up how God's Spirit has encouraged and comforted during this leg of the journey. I do have to share two though because they were huge.
When I met with my friend Lori, the conversation quickly came around to my slump...even though I had resolutely determined to not make it all about me. After some tears and some honest frustration and doubt, I said, "I'm sorry that I'm whining." Praise God, He spoke loud and clear through my soft-spoken friend's voice when she quickly said, "I don't think you're whining...I think you're under attack." I cannot describe to you the weight that fell off in that moment and in less than 24 hours when the doubts began their assault again, this time I was ready. That's been almost three weeks ago and when I met my friend Kari this past week, she said she could even tell a difference in my face...I looked more "uplifted".
Since God used Lori to speak truth to my heart, I took an honest assessment of why do I keep falling into this pit? Once again, because I thought for some almost-humorous-because-it's-so-absurd reason that this life was all about me. And in the meantime, the Holy Spirit drew me back to Crazy Love and Forgotten God, both by Francis Chan. These are two books that changed my life forever and just within the last two days, I read yet again how my worry and doubt both "reek of arrogance"...that somehow my problems are more than the "Creator of the Universe can handle". Shame on me!
But here's the one that yesterday bit me in the posterior (okay, at least I'm trying to watch my language a little more).
I do hope that even in the midst of this latest gloom-fest, you did at least sense that I was trying to find the meaning or the purpose or the "silver lining" of it all. I do pray that I communicated well that God was continually faithful in His provision, His teaching and most of all, His love for me. I do believe that even in the midst of my grief (for lack of a better word), He could use some tiny iota of truth that spoke to your heart and either challenged or encouraged you. But mostly, I do know that He was faithful and will continue to be and I do know that even in the midst of my ridiculous worrying, fretting, doubting and self-indulgent pity I communicated through it all that I knew it was me who had the issue...not Him. I did have a lot of questions, but I'm far enough into this to know to ask them the right way...or so I thought.
You see, I was asking why I couldn't hear Him or why was I running from Him or why did I doubt Him when He's been faithful all along. In some way, I guess those questions were valid. I think where I went wrong was to whom I was directing the questions. Was I asking the One who held the answers? Of course not, or I wouldn't have been in this silly slump to begin with! No, I was asking myself and expecting myself to come up with the answer and then getting even more discouraged with myself for not solving whatever the issue was that I couldn't figure out in the first place. Warped? I'll own it...yes it is.
So how did He pull me out of the slump? Well, it started with the realization that He's the one that I needed to let do the pulling. Then I told Him I was going to hang on and not let go know matter where He took me in my thoughts and prayers and that even if He never spoke to me again, I was hanging on for dear life. I asked Him to give me His eyes to see the blessings all around me...even in the little things. I begged Him to hear His voice again. And I asked Him to interrupt my day with songs, scripture, prayer requests and anything that would turn me back to Him. And of course...He was faithful to do all of this and more.
Yet again...we never went without a meal, we never missed a rent payment, we never ran out of gas by the side of the road and we never had to turn someone down who needed help in some way. In an effort at full disclosure, there where times we had to turn down going to see friends or running here and there because of limited funds...but the world did not even begin to crumble because of the choices we had to make.
What I love is that this time, He didn't start giving us financial blessings so that I would have faith. No, this time He gave me the faith...and then came the blessings. There are truly too many songs...too many conversations with Dale, the kids or others...too many scriptures...too many itty bitty delights to recall all in this post to try to sum up how God's Spirit has encouraged and comforted during this leg of the journey. I do have to share two though because they were huge.
When I met with my friend Lori, the conversation quickly came around to my slump...even though I had resolutely determined to not make it all about me. After some tears and some honest frustration and doubt, I said, "I'm sorry that I'm whining." Praise God, He spoke loud and clear through my soft-spoken friend's voice when she quickly said, "I don't think you're whining...I think you're under attack." I cannot describe to you the weight that fell off in that moment and in less than 24 hours when the doubts began their assault again, this time I was ready. That's been almost three weeks ago and when I met my friend Kari this past week, she said she could even tell a difference in my face...I looked more "uplifted".
Since God used Lori to speak truth to my heart, I took an honest assessment of why do I keep falling into this pit? Once again, because I thought for some almost-humorous-because-it's-so-absurd reason that this life was all about me. And in the meantime, the Holy Spirit drew me back to Crazy Love and Forgotten God, both by Francis Chan. These are two books that changed my life forever and just within the last two days, I read yet again how my worry and doubt both "reek of arrogance"...that somehow my problems are more than the "Creator of the Universe can handle". Shame on me!
But here's the one that yesterday bit me in the posterior (okay, at least I'm trying to watch my language a little more).
"I think we all could agree that living "according to our sinful flesh" is not what is intended for us as children of God. Yet even so, we often choose to face life's issues and circumstances in exactly the same way as someone without the Spirit of God. We worry, strive, and grieve no differently than unbelievers."
Ouch!
Chan asks some tough questions too: If I'm supposed to be "living by the Spirit" (see Galatians 5:22-23, NASB) then shouldn't I exhibit more "more kindness and faithfulness than the Mormons you know?" Do I have "more self-control than your Muslim friends?" And the one that really hit me in the right place, shouldn't I have "more peace than Buddhists? More joy than atheists?"
Yikes!
And thus, the reason I felt compelled to apologize to you, the reader that stumbled this way looking for some "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control" and yes...hope. I was lost in myself for awhile and not turning to or pointing others toward Him...for that...I am deeply sorry. May it never happen again. Realistically, if Jesus waits a little longer before returning...it may. But I know once again God's Spirit will be faithful to speak truth to my soul if I'm listening. My prayer is that next time I listen more quickly.
Amen!
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