One Week in Joel

No book of the Bible can be studied in only one week...even if it is only three chapters long. Although time was short, I learned quite a bit with the help of my commentary about this tiny prophetic book named Joel.

Joel was prompted to call Israel back from its wicked ways as the result of a devastating drought and attack by locusts. Things were so bad, that the daily offerings in the temple had ceased. (see Joel 1:9) Although we don't know exactly when Joel was written, or by whom, we do know that the remnant had returned to Jerusalem, built the walls and the temple was again central to daily living. 

Where Joel first challenged me was a reminder that God reveals Himself to His people not for selfish gain, but to share the revelation with others. [The New Bible Commentary: Revised, reprint 1984] God doesn't meet with me so I can hoard away the blessings of what He teaches...we are always designed to be living communally. That includes sharing His teaching with others.

When I first read this idea of sharing the revelations, I realized that's why I blog. Yes, you can find reviews of restaurants, books, products and gardening tips on here too, but four years ago when I started this blog, it was because my journal just wasn't enough anymore. The pages of my writings could not contain all that God was doing in me. I had to share it with others. At the time, I didn't have anyone that could sit with me for hours and listen to me pour out all the wonder and beauty of what was happening. You...dear reader...became the outlet for me to share what this great God was doing in me and through me.

Four years later, I know He was preparing me for things that are still to come.

How do I know?

Because of this passage in Chapter 2. 

Strangely enough, I used this exact same passage when I spoke (and then wrote) in February about living the vision God has for our lives...now. Peter uses this same prophecy on the day of Pentecost to lead 3000 people to a relationship with their Savior, Jesus. 

What is the prophecy?

That there would be a time when we would have the gift of the Holy Spirit living inside of us.

Ohhh...this is just getting better and better!

There is a lot more in Joel. I encourage you to read it and study it for yourself. Sadly, my friends and I had a limited amount of time to dig in. I leave you with this wonderful quote from my commentary, that gives you some indication of where God is leading me personally:  "If Israel's history had been 'Paradise lost' then the Messianic age is 'Paradise regained." [The New Bible Commentary:Revised p. 723]

This is what God's Spirit is calling me to...a radical devotion that doesn't worry about appearances, comfort, convenience or even my wants or desires. This is why I've been avoiding Him for many months too. Then today...I sat in a worship celebration where He unequivocally confirmed everything He has been calling me to. And the beautiful thing is...I know He was calling others right along with me!

I hope to share more in the next day or two, but for now I leave you with something I said to my friend Julie yesterday as I sat in her kitchen: I don't know what He's doing...but He's doing something.

Living the Vision, part 1: God Still Gives Visions and Dreams

A few weeks ago, I asked the question, "What if we finally awakened to the reality, that the vision (God has for each of our lives) was now?"

In that post, I promised to share more in the coming days. There's been a lot of snow, ice and freezing temperatures in our part of the country, so I had a week longer to prepare to speak at our women's Bible study. Now, as I committed to the ladies today, I'm ready to get myself out of this "winter distracted funk" and settle in to delving into this idea further.

I never set out to have a three-point sermon. It just so happens that when God was growing this lesson in me, He utilized three ideas that He had already been developing in my life. In early November 2013, He pulled all three of these together to present me with a choice of how to proceed in my relationship with Him and the way I approach discerning His will and even how I come to Him in prayer.

But more about this later. For today, I'd like to share the first lesson God had been growing in me for a long time:  He still gives visions and dreams.

Acts 2:17 reminds us of a prophecy first found in Joel 2:28:

"'And it shall be in the last days,' God says,
'That I will pour forth of My Spirit on all mankind,
And your sons and your daughters shall prophesy,
And your young men shall see visions,
And your old men dream dreams;'"

I'm not sure if you've noticed or not, but every day we are one step closer in the Kingdom calendar to the day Jesus returns to establish His reign on the New Earth. I have heard Beth Moore state in two different Bible studies, each recorded almost nine years apart, that we are in an obvious time of the outpouring of the Holy Spirit. As she says, 'We didn't all the sudden just wake up and get smart and start studying God's Word.'

The almost insatiable appetite for God's Word, getting back to what really matters (i.e. not building massive churches, but investing massively in Kingdom work), and the current Millennial generation's willingness to forgo college and traditional jobs in order to serve the poor, the destitute and the downtrodden, are all beautifully amazing indications that we are living in a time of God's outpouring of His Spirit. If you need further proof, someone recently shared with me that an online Bible study (I think from Lysa Terkheurst) has 39,000 women from around the world participating in it.

That's just one study.

I hope you're convinced that we are living in a time of God's outpouring. If so, I'd like to press you further into embracing that because of this outpouring, young people "will prophesy".

For just a moment, I'd like for you to set aside your preconceived notions of what it means "to prophesy". It's not just the hairy man standing on the street corner shouting at cars and pedestrians that "the end is near"! The actual dictionary.com definition also includes "a declaration...as if by divine inspiration". There is even an archaic definition rendered as "to teach religious subjects". If you need further proof of this one, return and reread the third paragraph up. This Millennial generation is putting all others to shame in their desire to abandon all and no matter the cost follow the teachings of Jesus. I don't know what could more adequately demonstrate God's declarations.

And as far as visions and dreams...I've heard story after story in recent years of people who have grown up in cultures where Christianity is not even allowed, let alone promoted, and live under hostile religious regimes, yet they are willing to follow Jesus as Messiah because He comes to them in dreams and declares His love for them. Last year, I shared a review of a book written by two such women entitled Captive in Iran.

But here's the place that God was drawing me to last fall:  It's not just dreams, as in the Biblical sense, that He gives...He graces us with His vision for our lives too.

I've actually known this for quite some time. If you've been reading this blog very long, you know that about five years ago we began a financially downward spiral that was out of our control. "Downwardly Mobile" was no longer a cute catch phrase coined by Henri Nouwen to describe when a Christian walks away from the pinnacle of their career to embrace a life of servitude to the marginalized and forgotten. Downwardly mobile was our existence.

I won't rehash it all here, you can already turn to many of the early posts of this blog to learn more about my story. But this blog was started out of the fullness of my heart as God showed me piece by piece how He was reshaping me to be mindful of the "widow and orphans" (James 1:27) of our society. Single moms will always have a special place in my soul because of that time period in my spiritual growth.

God's faithfulness, provision and determination to get me through to His way of looking at life was nothing short of miraculous. But something else happened during that time that I don't think I've ever shared on here. Because of this "revelation" (for lack of a better word) in November, it is now time.

I've lost track of precisely when...but sometime in 2010-2011, God gave me His "vision" for my life. It wasn't a divine billboard dropping out of the sky. It was more like whispers, refinement, unquenchable desires and abiding joy at a plan He was growing in me. I spoke this out loud to a group of people outside of my closest friends and immediate family for the first time today. Somehow it's appropriate that I put it out for the world to know too:

Some day...I would have a place where I can grow things, teach others to grow things (the current "it" word is "live more sustainably") and a place where the "weary traveler" can come, put up their feet, rest, be nourished, encouraged, grow in wisdom, discernment and knowledge, for however long it takes for them to be sturdier on the feet God gave them.

That's a mouthful.

At times, I have thought He has a place for me on the "back 40" somewhere. A place where I can have chickens, goats, orchards, massive garden sites and enough room to take in a herd of people too. I envisioned classes, seminars and relationship upon relationship, cultivated just as much as the ground upon which I would toil.

Other times, I've found it very appealing that maybe God's vision for my life would be in an urban setting. The work that groups like The Simple Way have done to live out love and relationship in the inner city is nothing short of amazing. A "beauty from the ashes" story is one I'd also love to live.

What I was able to share with the ladies this morning in our study of the life of Joseph, son of Jacob, is that while my "trials" by no means compare to his...I do know what it's like to be given a vision by God that looks nothing like your physical life exists.

How could I be confident and assured that His vision would become reality? That's the second part of the lesson He was growing in me. Come back tomorrow (or two days!) to learn why my confidence in His vision could not be shaken.

*************

More in this series: Part 2 This Life as We Know It...

In and Through

I've been mulling over a lot of things recently and most of them boil down to this one core principle that was eloquently discussed by our Executive Pastor, Tommy Baker on Sunday morning: Am I really going to live as if 'I am crucified and I no longer live, but it is Jesus who lives in me?' (See Galatians 2:20)

That's the penultimate question isn't it?

Do I truly believe that Jesus loved me and gave Himself for me (also Galatians 2:20) and because of this I am dead to myself? When I die to self, I can no longer allow my "flesh" to make the choices...all I do, say, think and am must be guided by this faith in Him as Saviour (again, Galatians 2:20).

But is that how we...specifically I...am living? Too often, the answer is No.

The implications of this are staggering. Just sit for a few minutes and imagine what life would be like lived through the filter "Not my life...but Yours". I know for me that means not being ruled by my appetite, my comfort or my pleasure. It means not buying things or going places simply because I can. It doesn't make pleasure wrong...just that I need to ask Him about anything I want to spend His money on. He also determines where I go, whom and how I serve and when and what to say. Yep...that's pretty much everything. 

Each day, my goal should be that I am one step closer to looking like the person He originally created me to be. In Acts 17:28, this is stated as "in Him we live and move and exist."

What would my life look like when I live and move and exist in Him? I'm anxious to find out. What would your life look like when you live and move and exist in Him? I don't know. Why don't you ask Him?

"Why are you persecuting ME?"

You don't have to be a Jesus follower long to know there is a history of persecuting His disciples. The New Testament is replete with examples of followers of "the Way" who were being flogged, jailed, and stoned because of their refusal to deny that Jesus was the one, true Messiah...God in human flesh who lived, died and rose again. But there's only one story that I know of in the Bible that gives you the perspective of a persecutor...the story of Saul.

As I've begun to study the life of this man, later known as Paul, a few things have struck me differently than I'd originally remembered. God's Word (the Bible) is alive (see Hebrews 4:12) and one reading to the next, God's Spirit will use it to teach me new things. Today in (Acts 9:1-19), it wasn't exactly a new idea...just one word that stabbed through me into a place I don't journey often...the persecution of Christians.

I've lived my whole life in mid-America, sometimes called the upper part of "the Bible belt". My small town upbringing didn't lend itself toward opposition, let alone persecution, for being a Christian. Today, some Americans are overly concerned that taking prayer out of public schools or the Ten Commandments off the courthouse walls is the beginning to the end of our religious freedom...a freedom on which this country was founded. And their concern may be warranted.

But whenever Christians here get all bent out of shape over what may or may not happen...in my mind I always think..."Well, at least you're not being shot for your faith...yet." It's a very real possibility in many nations around the world...today. All I had to do was google "countries that persecute Christians" and 537,000 sites popped up in 0.32 seconds. The one I clicked on persecution.org even has a map that shows exactly where this occurs.

So today, when I read this passage I was thankful God's Spirit spoke this little word to my heart...ME. I'm not certain of the exact timing of Saul/Paul's conversion on the road to Damascus, but we do know that Jesus died, was buried, was resurrected and was seen by hundreds of followers for 40 days. Many other details are related in Acts before the Damascus Road encounter between Jesus and Saul/Paul, so I think it's safe to assume this could be many months after Jesus had ascended to Heaven and the Holy Spirit had begun to dwell in His followers. But note what Jesus says: "Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me?"

Not...My followers...My disciples...My friends...My loved ones...no, it was Me. When I read the passage this morning, probably for the fiftieth time or more, Holy Spirit put one of those ideas in my head that was instantly complete...but very difficult to put into words...human words. Bear with me, I'll do my best (with His help, of course!)

You see, Jesus told us if you feed the hungry, clothe the naked, visit the sick or imprisoned that it's the same as doing it to Him. He also told us that if you don't do any of these it's the same as neglecting service to Him. (see Matthew 25:34-41) Based on the encounter with Saul/Paul, is it safe to assume or is it too big of a leap to infer that when our Christian brothers and sisters are left hungry, naked, sick or imprisoned because of their faith in Him there is some sort of "spiritual transference" where Jesus actually takes upon Himself their persecution? What comes to mind instantly is that He did take upon all of the sin ever to exist in the world when He died on the cross. But in that way that I can't exactly wrap my brain around...He is still taking it upon Himself as it happens. I'm sure there's probably a Biblical reference or commentary somewhere that would explain this better...but I can almost visualize the tortured prisoner with the faint outline of Jesus (the same as an artist might depict an angel or spirit) hovering over His child and shielding him or her from the full onslaught of evil all around them.

Can this be why the apostles "rejoiced that they had been considered worthy to suffer shame for His name." (see Acts 5:40-42) Is this how thousands of Jesus followers throughout history have gone singing to their deaths. Is this the reason why even today in China...despite sometimes brutal persecution...hundreds of people are turning to Jesus every single day?

When Jesus is the one taking the persecution onto Himself, yes, of course the physical ramifications are borne out on the human flesh...but are we not taught in scripture that this is just a temporary shell that we occupy until the New Earth and our bodies are completely perfected? Paul...yes, the same Saul/Paul that used to persecute Christians...later calls the persecutions that happen to him "light and momentary troubles". Unfortunately, we only see with human eyes. What I had the pleasure of being reminded of today is that what really matters...our spiritual souls...remain untouched. Jesus personally sees to it that the persecuted soul is unblemished. He is the one that bears the scars. The bodies we leave behind may show some scars...but the soul will be refined and perfected just like gold in the fire.

Does that get your heart pumping? It did mine! I do not currently live in a place or time when I have to face persecution...but some day I may. It could be a very real reality for my children or grandchildren. Whether it is or not, this I know...no matter what the forces of evil concoct for our mortal frames...Jesus will see to it that the soul of His beloved is safe. Amen!

I'm going to add just one more thing. Because this blog goes out to "the great unknown" and because I see daily that it is read by people all over the world and because sometimes the countries listed are ones where persecution is active and even rampant...I feel obligated to the one that may read this that knows all too well about what I write, it is my desire to share in your sufferings through prayer and petition on behalf of the Abba who knows you by name. You are not anonymous to Him! You are not forgotten! You are loved with a passionate, furious, boundless love that seals you and jealously keeps you for His own! And one day you will stand before Him and He will tell the story of how you remained faithful throughout and even despite your pain. That is a story I can't wait to hear! Until then, my hope is that I will be more attuned to God's Spirit so I will be reminded more frequently to pray for you and my brothers and sisters around the world who need to know the encouragement, the comfort and feel the close Presence of the One in whose Name they suffer.

Amen!

Dying a Little Death

A passage I read today in Philippians 3 reminded me of something I heard a speaker say several years ago: "Every day we die a little death." [I considered titling this post "I'm Dying" but I didn't want to be sensationalistic just to get readers to click on my blog.]

Verses 8-11 really hit me though. The devotional on the life of Paul wasn't headed down the same line of thought that I was. That's one thing I love about reading scripture and asking the Holy Spirit to lead. I could follow the author's train of thought and still find some meaning in it...but His lesson for me was specific to what I needed to hear.

In verses 8 and 9, Paul is reminding the Philippians that his heritage, his education, his training and experience are all "rubbish" (verse 8) compared with what he gains in his relationship with Christ. And what he really wants to know is "the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death." (verse 10).

Really? Have I ever asked God to let me know and even fellowship with Him in His sufferings?

I was reminded of a conversation I had right after tax season ended this year. I told my friend, Kari, that I looked forward to the time when I'm not working because then I'm more dependent upon God and am drawn closer to Him and even see Him do more in my life...that would be only by this same power displayed at the resurrection. Looking back, I know this is when the attack on my fears, doubts and worries began. My enemy used my insecurities to distract me from dependence upon the Holy Spirit.

But when a few weeks ago He refocused my heart and my mind on Him and even "put to death" my fears, doubts and worries that's when I began to see His power at work again. I'm certain the Holy Spirit was always working, but because I didn't die to my fears, etc., I couldn't see Him.

Do you remember that there were Roman soldiers at the tomb when the stone rolled away? Yet, we are never told that their lives were transformed. I have to ask myself, what were they not willing to die to in order to witness the true power of the resurrection? Was it pride? Fear of being fired, or even killed for losing a dead corpse and leaving their post? Was it belief in the republic over the person? (Yep, that one is appropriate to ask ourselves in this election season!) Whatever the reason, the power of the resurrection was right before their eyes...and yet, they missed it.

Processing through this, I had to ask...what do I need to allow Him to put to death so that I can witness the power of His resurrection? If this sounds foreign to you, maybe you haven't yet learned that the same power that raised Jesus from the dead is the same Holy Spirit power that lives inside you as a Jesus follower.

Following logical thought then (which is just how my brain works):  at least in our culture here in the U.S., why do we not experience His power more often? Why aren't miracles happening frequently? Why aren't the numbers of Jesus followers being added daily as they were in the church described in Acts? Why aren't amazing things being done in the name of Jesus all over this country that only confound and astound and draw to Jesus those who don't already know Him?

If Paul's logical train of thought is true...maybe we have some dying to do.

Amen!

A Groping Faith

I abhor media sensationalism and so I often emotionally distance myself from the tragic headlines of the day. Still God's compassion and love move me deeply when I hear of horrific events like what happened in Aurora, Colorado. No, it's not on my mind constantly, but I've thought about it enough to not be in a hurry to scrounge up the money to go see this movie that our whole family has anticipated seeing for the last three months. We're also friends with a family, who are friends with someone who was injured in the attack. We don't know this family, but we know they've been affected. And of course there are an unlimited number of posts, news articles and blogs that you can read regarding the tragedy. I'm sharing two: one a Facebook friend posted, So You Still Think God is a Merciful God and one written by my high school buddy and now Artistic Director for the Nashville Film Festival, Brian Owens, I'm Going to a Movie This Weekend. I share Brian's because for me too, movies have always been a refuge...a place to get away and refuel...and also great fun. One of my favorite things to do is see a movie by myself. I quote movies often and I've passed on this love of movies to my kids...I don't want them to be scared to go see a movie.

So why am I even bringing this up? Because God's timing is always perfect. 

How? Three days ago, I read a devotional in Jesus Calling that I've been mulling over and have known for three days that I wanted to share...not the devotional...but the Scriptures referenced in it and how God put it all together for me. But there was that "delay"...for lack of a better word...that pulling back...a hesitancy to dive into it and write for "some" reason. Now I know why. 

I don't have anything new to say. And really what I want to say isn't even my words...and I've struggled for three days to even find a way to put into human words what sometimes can't be described...faith. Not just faith...a groping faith.

Sarah Young writes, "I  (Jesus) am far more Real than the world you can see, hear, and touch." The Scripture references for the day brought this together as a wonderful reminder to my soul of how this could possibly be true. I find great comfort given the struggle to cling to faith I've been having. If you've read the headlines lately or even my previous post Pleading for the Widow, you'll understand that I'm not the only one struggling.

So what is faith?

"Faith is the confirmation of things we do not see and the conviction of their reality, perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses." (Hebrews 11:1, Amplified Bible)

If you're a Jesus follower and the next time, you know you're supposed to do something, follow that particular path, or leap into a certain adventure...yet, you cannot explain with your rational, tangible senses why...that's faith. Read the definition again...it is confirmation...of their reality...real fact. Why do we then make faith seem like some existential practice in ethereal voodoo? Okay, that may not make sense. But I am guilty...and if you've been walking along the Jesus journey for very long...you probably are also...of making faith, well, hard. We run around like chickens with their heads cut off looking for signs and wonders and checklists or "hanging out our fleece" (see Judges 6), but all of these rely on our senses of sight, sound, touch, etc. Instead, God calls us to a confirmation that relies upon His Holy Spirit, giving us the conviction of His reality.

So if we're dependent upon His Spirit as our source of faith...where we draw our perception of reality from...where do we find Him in the midst of trial, tribulation and great tragedy?

"...they would seek God, if perhaps they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us..." (Acts 17:27, NASB)

There it is...a groping faith. When the bottom falls out, when you've reached the end of your reserves, when there isn't even a chance to look up for help because the cavern is so dank and dark and seemingly impenetrable...grope for Him and find Him and He will give you the confirmation of things we do not see. That is where you'll find your faith to carry on, that is where you'll gain the proper perspective of what is real and what is just "smoke and mirrors", that is where you'll discover that He is not far from each one of us!

In private conversations over the years, I've told many people to "hold Him to His word", "grab hold of Him and ask Him to reveal Himself to you", "stay in the dance, don't let go...cling to Him". I know now that sometimes you have to grope around in the dark to find Him first. This is the one time that it's okay to grope Someone!

I feel like I'd be remiss if I leave it there. This post might not apply to you right now, but if you're still breathing...some day it will. As my pastor said a few weeks ago, "Things will get worse before they get better...but they will get better."

Amen!


Mentioned in this post:

Suffering

Throughout the last month, there seems to be this common thread running through my thoughts, my Scripture readings and thus, these blog posts. Sometimes it's vague, sometimes it's obvious...but as I look back over the last four weeks...it's definitely there. The title of this post sums it up completely...suffering.

Now I don't exactly feel like I'm suffering at the moment, so I have to stop and ask the question: Why this theme? And why now?

You know, I wish I could say that every day I wake up with an absolutely clear vision of what my purpose, plan and even goals are for the day. But that's just not the way it works for me. More likely, I stumble my way through each day...attempting to keep my eyes open for how God is working and where He is leading...and hoping I understand and obey the lessons He wants to show me along the way.

So as I sit on this side of the last month and look back, this common theme rises to the surface. It's there in when I was reminded to be Thankful for the Privilege and even in the movies I watched like Slumdog Millionaire. When I shared how I felt parched in Isaiah 58. I know that may not seem like suffering, but it is a "privation" of sorts. Anytime I'm not fully standing in the Love of my Abba, my soul is in some way suffering.

And again, when feeling distant and far from God...like standing at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, the deprivation can be unbearable because I have experienced the feeling of being as close as His shadow. In the absence of that, there is pain. While even contemplating a Christmas unit study with my kids, the plight of our fellow man and our response to it, rose to the surface as I picked A Christmas Carol for our curriculum.

Finally, Andrew Peterson's music has provided great encouragement in the face of The Silence of God, while Dancin' in the Minefields and the promise that There WILL be a Last One!

During this time when all of these thoughts or lessons have been running through my head, I read a section in Repenting of Religion where Gregory Boyd writes about how we descendants of The Fall, want to always have an explanation for the suffering that surrounds us. It makes absolutely no sense to us why tens of thousands of innocent children have died in the last six months from a famine in Africa. Surely behind the failed marriages or crumbling families or impoverished neighbors that we know, there has to be a place to point our fingers or even wag them if we dare! After all, haven't we been taught that we "reap what we sow"?

But Boyd writes this:
"Perhaps nowhere is the fallen impulse to reject ambiguity more evident than in the way religious people tend to interpret suffering. We live in a  morally ambiguous world in which fortune and misfortune come upon people in an arbitrary fashion. Yet the fallen, moralistic impulse to reject ambiguity inclines many to insist that those who suffer misfortune deserve it or that their suffering is morally justified because it serves a higher cosmic purpose. Indeed, these have been the two dominant explanations for evil within the Christian tradition.
It is significant that Jesus never embraced either explanation. Never once did Jesus suggest that any of the multitudes of suffering people to whom he ministered were being punished or disciplined by God through their suffering. Though he constantly ministered to "the dregs of society," never once did he ask an ethical question of them or raise an ethical suspicion about them. Nor did he ever suggest that they were suffering for a greater good. Instead, he uniformly attributed their affliction to demonic forces (e.g., Mark 9:25; Luke 11:14; 13:11-16; cf. Acts 10:38). And his only concern was to manifest the will of his Father by healing and delivering those he confronted."

"Jesus and the authors of the New Testament assumed that the cosmos was much more complex and ambiguous than allowed for by the traditional explanations for evil. They saw the world as under siege by the Accuser, whom they called "the ruler of this world," "the god of this world," and "the ruler of the power of the air" (John 12:31; 14:30; 16:11; 2 Cor. 4:4; Eph. 2:2). While they assumed that every aspect of creation that didn't align itself with the will of God was directly or indirectly the result of fallen human or angelic wills, they never speculated about why things unfold just the way they do. They did not pretend to know much about the virtually infinite chain of influences that lie behind each and every event that takes place. they thus didn't try to penetrate the ambiguity of the world and explain why one person was afflicted, another demonized, another crushed by a fallen tower, and another untouched altogether. They did not try to reject the ambiguity of the world by finding God's will in suffering. They rather worked in the midst of the ambiguity of the world to apply God's will to suffering." (I've underlined exactly what I'd underlined in my book.)

Thanks for bearing with such a long passage. I could not have said it better!

I know with every fiber of my being this is a lesson God's Holy Spirit wants to teach me...for myself and to be shared with others. If I'm going to minister to women...particularly single moms...I can not have an attitude that is contradictory to what Jesus taught. I can not approach the subject of a failed marriage, a rebellious child, a bankrupt portfolio seeking explanations or blame. Do we not see that we just drive ourselves insane trying to explain away the situations for which there is a "virtually infinite chain of influences"?

Holy Spirit brought me face-to-face with this attitude of blame even in myself this morning. I've been beating myself up over an area which I struggle. For days I've been asking why I fail in this time and time again. I've been trying to develop an action plan to avoid being vulnerable, my thoughts have been consumed with blame and how to fix this. And Bless His Name!...this morning, He broke through and I finally listened!

Yes, it was Repenting of Religion again: "Instead of trusting in God to love them and defend them in their sin, Adam and Eve became their own defense attorneys. They trusted their own knowledge of good and evil to protect them rather than trusting God."

And there it was...I don't have the knowledge of all things...good or evil. How can I say that any one person (even myself) is to blame for my struggle...my suffering? [Again, I reiterate...what I'm calling suffering for myself is not anything physical. I speak of a spiritual suffering only in this situation.]

Just so He knew I was listening, He perfectly timed a portion of Jesus Calling today too! "Do not fear your weakness, for it is the stage on which My Power and Glory perform most brilliantly. As you persevere along the path I have prepared for you, depending on My strength to sustain you, expect to see miracles--and you will. Miracles are not always visible to the naked eye, but those who live by faith can see them clearly. Living by faith, rather than sight, enables you to see My Glory."

To the naked eye, another may never see my struggle...my suffering...but when each day I trust Jesus to overcome my weakness with His strength, I am a firsthand witness to His miracles...His Glory.

Now here's the awesomely awesome part...the part He gave me over the weekend and because I wasn't listening very well, was delayed in my fitting it into the bigger puzzle:
"Although the Lord has given you bread of privation and water of oppression, He, your Teacher will no longer hide Himself, but your eyes will behold your Teacher. Your ears will hear a word behind you, "This is the way, walk in it," whenever you turn to the right or to the left. And you will defile your graven images plated with gold. You will scatter them as an impure thing, and say to them, "Be gone!" (Isaiah 30:20-22)

He placed this Scripture passage in my path on Saturday, and I've been thinking about it ever since. I have lived this...I have experienced this very thing. And His promises are always faithful and true! So if during financial devastation I witnessed this intimately...can't I count on Him to apply it to my life this time too? Absolutely!

When you experience suffering of any form or measure (spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, financial, etc.), God wants to be your Teacher. During this suffering, if you train your eyes on your Teacher, He will no longer hide Himself! Amen! That's enough right there, isn't it?! But wait...His Holy Spirit will also whisper in your ears His Word telling you "This is the way, walk in it". You'll know whether to turn right or left.

And the blessed consequence that happens? That's right...all of those idols veneered with silver or gold even...you realize just how false and defiled they are...that they are impure things. My new phrase is that it's "all smoke and mirrors compared to God's reality"! The crazy thing is that in the midst of the suffering...these idols I've clung to...possibly for years...I will finally wake up and say "Be Gone!"

Do you know what I'm talking about? If you've ever allowed God to work in the midst of your suffering, I can guarantee you've experienced this, even if you didn't realize it. Allowing Him full access in the midst of devastation and heartbreak can help you break free from any idol: a relationship; a house; a job; a church; a sin; a guilty pleasure; a hobby; a vice; a painful past; a schedule; a joyless future; an American Dream...any thing we place before our relationship with Him!

So while I fervently believe and pray I will share with myself and others until my last breath that there is definite ambiguity in our suffering, allowing Him to love us through it brings definitively obvious miracles!



**Endnote: I pray what I have written has not contradicted my belief that there is no grand cosmic purpose to our suffering. Rather, my prayer is that you sense God's desire to apply His will and healing to it.**

Mentioned in this post:

While I Wait...

I'm breaking Media-Free Mondays to share what Holy Spirit has been teaching me over the weekend & some blessings we've received. Not sure if this will turn out to be several posts or just one very long one. Probably best if I break them up!

Here goes:

What does devoting myself to prayer look like? Each day, I continue to try to empty myself of my confessions and concerns, submit to God's authority, and ask Holy Spirit to have control of every part of me...starting with my thoughts. I also ask for a mouth that glorifies Him...both with the input and the output. I ask to see His glory and power and to recognize it, even in the small things so I may praise His name throughout this day. And last, I speak to Him my desire to seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness because I can then rest in knowing He will provide for my needs.

I also have been challenged by Holy Spirit not to watch any movies or TV or listen to any music that would detract from His voice. I also recognize that I can't laugh at things (like a certain TV show I enjoy watching) that are opposed to His moral laws. When I was reading about how the disciples waited, I was struck with the fact that they probably weren't going to the temple daily to debate God's Word. They also wouldn't have been distracted by the media of the day (which true, was verbal proclamation in the town square or marketplace...not piped into their living quarters 24 hours a day!) or entertainment that abounded everywhere. Remember, this was part of the Roman Empire...indulging your passions and pleasures and living a life of luxury was the pursuit of any good Roman citizen. No, we are told "they devoted themselves to prayer" (Acts 1:14) so I believe that's exactly what they did!

So while I attempt to devote myself to prayer, the Holy Spirit has been faithful to bring Scripture to me that comforts, leads and directs. He's also covered some of my financial concerns with gifts that brought peace and assurance that we're on the right path...but more about those later!

I didn't intend to restart the Beth Moore Living Beyond Yourself series, but when I started rereading it, I couldn't stop. I felt drawn by the Spirit to start reading and just see where He leads. I could even say it was almost a compulsion to read it...I just had to! My husband and I have even started listening to the audio portions together. And God's timing, almost exactly three months TO THE DAY that I started it the first time, is as always...impeccable.

On Saturday, as I was contemplating God's Will for our future, the theme of the day in the study was "Pleasing God"...not man. Two of the Scriptures that deeply spoke to me were Jeremiah 29:13 and Isaiah 48:17-19.

"You will see Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart."--Jeremiah 29:13, NASB

"Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer,

The Holy One of Israel,

"I am the LORD your God,

Who teaches you to profit,

Who leads you by the way you should go.

Oh, that you had heeded My commandments!

Then your peace would have been like a river,

And your righteousness like the waves of the sea.

Your descendants also would have been like the sand,

And your offspring of your body like the grains of sand;

His name would not have been cut off

Nor destroyed from before Me."--Isaiah 48:17-19, NKJV

Hmmm?? Heed His commands and I will have flowing peace! This echoes again what He was saying and that I blogged about the last time. I think I'm on to something! Now, I realize both of these passages where originally spoken to Israel, but aren't they applicable to all who seek Him? Absolutely! Because we are promised that a characteristic or fruit of the Spirit is peace!

So why did these passages speak so loudly to me? Well, believe it or not, it has to do with brainstorming. As Dale and I have contemplated, discussed, fretted and even stewed over how to make ends meet and this impending possibility of me returning to work, he very wisely said, "Let's brainstorm some ideas later about how to make money." I was intrigued to hear his ideas but I was afraid he'd think mine bordered on ridiculous. When the idea came up to brainstorm though, he added that the point of brainstorming is not to poo-poo any of the ideas...he said, "In fact, that's a rule of brainstorming." I know he feared my analytical brain would kick in and start picking apart why we couldn't do any of his ideas...but in fact, I was picking apart mine so much that I convinced myself he might just even laugh out loud when he heard what was floating around in my brain.

You see, I've shared before, that I don't just dream...I dream BIG. I have a very vivid imagination and have always been one that could see myself doing something H-U-G-E for God. Over the years, I've reconciled that the biggest thing I ever do may be to break the cycle in our heritage of complacency, slavery to fear, and living a life for my own pleasures that was handed down to me. There's a lot more to this, but this is the gist of what I believe is God's overall calling on my life. And yet, while I focused on healing myself from past pains and breaking free from the slavery that was passed on to me, in the last year since I've started this blog, I've realized that doesn't mean I strictly focus on my kids and our family. What I believe it means is that Dale and I take our kids along as we serve. We share with them our needs, pray for them as a family and watch in amazement as God provides. And I believe Holy Spirit may now be telling us to focus on spending as much time as possible not just showing the kids how to grind out a living, but to truly LIVE by serving Him through service to others as often and as big as His grace will allow.

What I keep coming back to is how much peace and blessing I receive when we are serving and giving to others. What I am just unable to let go of is that there HAVE to be hundreds, if not thousands of people that feel that deep-down tug to let go and live out loud too...they just need someone to lead the way! The thing that haunts me is that there is a lost and dying world out there that is starving for food and the "Bread of Life" (John 6:35a). And all of this I absolutely believe is bundled up with the compassion, broken heart and love that God has given us for single moms, orphans and impoverished people all over the world.

Since Dale first mentioned brainstorming last Thursday, I listened to his ideas,but I couldn't put into words what my idea was. I wanted to test it with the Spirit, make certain it falls in line with God's plan for us and while I'm still waiting for positive confirmation, I felt like I had enough excitement and passion about it to share it with Dale. So Saturday, I launched into trying to explain my thoughts...which for a mildly ADD person whose thoughts fly at the speed of light, this is no easy task!

It went something like this:

"What if...He just wants us to dive into ministry to single moms on a more permanent basis? What if He's saying 'See all that I've done when you are giving and living outwardly focused. Can't you trust me to do more?' What if He's brought us all the way up to the edge and is now saying, "Leap! I'll catch you!"

I went on to give a few details of what I was thinking this may even look like...although I know that's not the point of brainstorming! I explained how we could make up brochures explaining the ministry, partner with ministries that are already in place, get the word out with friends, family, churches, etc., and even utilize this blog as a way for people all over the world to contribute to a mission that would not just impact women in Kentucky, but hopefully impact single women and their children all over the world! But I confessed to him that obviously, this is not a plan to make a lot of money and make ourselves rich. [I'd already even thought of how amazing would it be to set up right from the beginning to use no more than 25% of any donations for our living & ministry expenses and were able to completely dedicate the other 75% to the mission of loving and caring for single moms!] In fact, in many ways, it could make us even more dependent on God to provide for our needs. Actually, it's a total gamble. But I shared that I'm confident that if it's HIS plan, even if the world thinks we've failed...as long as we are obedient, I will never have to shoulder the guilt or shame of failing. God's plan + our obedience = God's results (whether successful or not!)

After spewing this out, I exhaled and waited for what I just KNEW would be God's confirmation through Dale that this was a hairbrained scheme and that it would never work and maybe even stronger language than that. I think his words were more like, "You see...I think you're on to something there." I'm teary just even thinking about his response two days later!

>Do I have all of the details worked out? No! Again, I believe God is a God of details and He WILL provide all the information, plans, etc., precisely when we need it.

Waiting on Him!

Not many of us in the Western mindset like to wait. Don't we all dread a trip to the BMV? I mean, standing in line for even 20 minutes at the pharmacy is such a colossal waste of time right? Isn't that why we now have drive-thru pharmacies and the BMV has become so streamlined that in some states you can even renew your license or your plates online?

Well, like most people I know, I don't like to wait. Patience has never been my virtue. And I'd even go so far as to say that instead of developing patience, being the controlling, domineering, decisive person that I am...I'm more likely to take the matter (whatever it is) in hand and just do something about it...even if my something isn't the best answer to the problem.

Such is the case of my personal history...and I may have even blogged about this before...but alas, I am too impatient to sort back through my previous posts to see if I have or not. But undeniably, one of the qualities of the fruit of the Spirit in a believer's life is patience.

I'm struck anew at just how God does not operate on our time and has no intention of messing up His perfect timing in order to accomodate us. He dwells in the fullness of time, after all, and knows exactly when we need what we need and will make certain it (or the answer to it) is there precisely according to His Will. Does knowledge of this make me more patient?? (Insert heavy sigh!) No. I wish it did!

Allow me to explain a little. There's a whole lot to this story, but I'll give just a brief overview...hopefully enough to make my point at least.

The last couple of years have been tough on us...and that's putting it mildly. If you've shared in our downwardly mobile journey, you've seen God's faithfulness to us time and again. And I know this! I mean my heart, my head, my eyes, my ears, my everything has witnessed it all...first hand.

And just last week, we were able to take a mini-vacation completely prompted and paid for by the gift of the Holy Spirit connecting all the dots of something we needed, we enjoyed and we felt so truly blessed to receive! But once again, as I ponder where the money will come from for rent, bills and daily living and sincerely pray for God to reveal the answer of what we need to do...there is still no answer.

I have turned provision for us over to Him and daily ask Him to either provide for us miraculously or to deeply impress upon us how we are to do it. And I guess where the frustration comes from is that He's not acting fast enough. I mean, literally, the day He wants us to sell something or receive a blessing or are absolutely waiting with baited-breath for the answer is when He comes through. And I have to say, I've not learned enough patience yet to make this whole repetitive process a peaceful one. I'm still too stressed about life in general...too focused on our daily needs to see the big picture that He is going to take care of everything for us.

And lately, I've been coming back around to thinking I need to work...full time...outside of the house in order to ease the financial stress we have. I know this will just create different stress, but honestly, after two plus years of financial stress, I'm almost to the point where trading it for a little different stress seems like a great solution.

So what if I work nights, do without sleep, become a monster to my children and spouse as long as we have more money, right?? Obviously, I say this sarcastically!

The one thing I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that we are to continue home schooling. There is a deep peace in knowing this is God's plan for our family. But I don't want to home school, work nights and the consequences be that I have no energy for our kids or my husband and we all just hate life because we're just surviving and barely getting by.

Yet, me working nights appears to be the obvious, sensible choice...right? But in the last few years, I have not seen God work in an obvious or sensible way in my life.

So I have been attempting to pray for God's wisdom, His answer, His leading or even just His assurance about working or if there is another choice...to make it feel so "right" that I know it's of Him. I've felt under attack so much recently from the enemy that I almost feel like I can't pray about this anymore. I've even enlisted the help of a few ladies that I knew I could trust to pray non-judgementally and with an unbiased heart. Thank God for sisters that believe in the power of prayer!

I in no way have clear direction or clarity of purpose, but I did go apply for a job this week. It's the same temp agency I applied with last summer that never worked out. They kept calling me to schedule a shift, then they would cancel that shift. By the time they were ready for me four months later, it was time for me to do tax school and get ready to go back to Jackson Hewitt for the tax season...so I felt like I had my answer. My prayer is that God will work again to either keep this from happening, or give me such peace and assurance that it is right that I won't struggle with lingering doubt that I'm doing the right thing.

A long time ago, I heard a woman I'd known for years say, "I don't do anything without knowing that it's God's will for me." In my heart I scoffed and thought, "Then I'd never get anything done!" But her comment has stuck with me, even 6 years later. At the time, I confess, I thought she was a loon...possibly even just using that as an excuse to not act. But I'd been in Bible study with this woman, I'd watched her life my entire growing up in the church and I knew she knew God!

I admit now that I think in that moment, she may have said one of the wisest nuggets of spiritual truth that I have ever heard. Beth Moore confirms in her teaching over and over again to not just pray to the Lord...but to actually WAIT for the answer. Now we come full circle back to the problem of patience. Where can I look for an example of patience? Where can I find someone who received a promise, prayed for it to happen and waited patiently for it to come to fruition? I struggle to find one in our instant society!

When is the last time you got irritated because someone didn't reply to your e-mail, text or phone call fast enough? When is the last time you grew angry as the teenagers behind the counter were joking around while you waited for your "fast" food? When was the last time your internet connection moved too slowly on your laptop, phone or Ipad and you became frustrated? Do we even remember dial-up internet anymore?? I hope you get my point! And believe me...all of the "yous" here are better read with an "I" in their places.

So if I can't find an example around me, where do I look? I found it today!

I wanted to relisten to the CDs of Beth Moore's Living Beyond Yourself. I just felt like I've been so confused, under attack and even at times defeated that I just wanted some encouragement. And she mentioned something about the disciples being promised the Holy Spirit and waiting for His indwelling to come. She didn't elaborate on how this came about and what God wanted to teach me wasn't her teaching focus. But, instantly (notice, I didn't have to wait!), I knew this was God's assurance to me for today!

In John 14, during His Last Supper with His closest followers, Jesus told them that the Comforter or Helper would come. That this Spirit had been with them and now would be in them. Did He come then? Did He even come the next day? As a matter of fact...no.

What did the disciples have to go through? How long did they have to wait? I wonder if they even understood exactly what Jesus was saying? After all, how can you fathom the Spirit of the Almighty, Creator of the Universe living IN you until you've experienced it.

Actually, what the disciples had to endure was this:

• Seeing their leader so stressed out, grieved and downcast that He literally BEGS them three times to stay awake and pray with Him.
• Watching helplessly as He is arrested and taken away while they in turn, take off.
• Seeing Him beaten, tortured, ridiculed and mocked as He stands silent and powerless before mere rulers of this earth.
• Swallowing their bile as He carries His cross to a hill where common criminals are murdered even though He has only ever loved those around Him.
• Through their tears, watching this Man they loved, followed, admired and worshipped being nailed to a cross and dying an excruciating death.
• Waiting three days...yes, three days...in gloom, isolation and fearing for their own lives with no word of hope to come.
• Hearing with unbelieving ears that He had risen...or maybe just had His body stolen.
• Seeing with their own eyes that their beloved Savior was indeed alive.
• Walking again with Him, soaking up His love, His guidance, His direction for 40 days
• Obediently waiting as He commanded them to not leave Jerusalem (Acts 1:4-5), "but to wait for what the Father had promised, 'Which, He said, 'you heard from Me; for John baptized with water, but you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit not many days from now.'" (Do you wonder if at this point they even remembered what He had told them?)
• Wanting His kingdom on earth to be established at that time, but being told (Acts 1:6-8) "It is not for you to know times or epochs which the Father has fixed by his own authority; but you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be My witnesses..."
• Watching Him ascend into the clouds until He was no more.
• Waiting a few days more (about 10 as near as I can calculate!) for the Holy Spirit to descend upon them, fill them with His supernatural power and begin to turn the world upside down!! Amen!

That seems like a lot of waiting and watching to me. What, are we told, the disciples did while they waited? "These all with one mind were continually devoting themselves to prayer." (Acts 1:14)

Now, I by no means am comparing my piddly little trials, doubts and uncertainties to those of the magnitude that the disciples encountered. But if when faced with something so huge, so monumentous, so earth-shattering, all they did was obediently wait upon the Lord and "devote themselves to prayer,"...how can I do any less?

I do not believe it is wrong for me to go to work. I even have heard people say (Rick Warren being the example that comes to mind) that as long as we're obeying the "prevailing" will of God...His prevailing will for us to love God with all of our hearts, mind and soul; love our neighbors as ourselves; and to go make disciples of all men...that we have freedom in Christ. So we don't have to sweat the details like which job to have, which person to marry, where we should live, etc.

But I don't know...I think I'm beginning to see that all those times I said, "He IS the God of details" that I really should have meant it. If you've had much experience with God, you can recognize that there is no detail beneath His notice. If He truly takes the time to number the hairs on our heads (Matthew 10:30) doesn't it make sense that He would want us to ask Him to guide the very minute, intricate details of our lives??

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of running ahead of Him just because it seems like a good idea and then making a mess of things that I have to ask Him to help me out of. What if, instead, I waited for His perfect plan. Then the plan was His and the results are completely left up to Him. Right? That way, He gets all of the glory when it goes well and even if in the world's eyes the plan implodes and is a disaster, it was God's plan so I don't have to shoulder any of the guilt or shame. Hmmmm?? That sounds like a VERY peaceful way to live. And isn't one characteristic of the Fruit of the Spirit peace?

So patience, or waiting on the Lord's direction, produces peace. What a novel idea!

What I do in the meantime...while I'm waiting? As exampled by the disciples, I devote myself to prayer...not my strength. But I'm sure there's a lesson to be learned in that as well. I think I also might learn to listen to the wisdom received from sometimes unexpected places. When talking with my daughter about some of this a few days ago, she said in reply to my doubt over whether to apply for the job or not, "Well, if you don't know if you're supposed to do it or not...why are you doing it?"

Ahh! The simple faith of a child!

Lord, help me trust that my Abba (Dad) knows exactly what steps are best for me. And help me trust in Your timing...not my own! Help me see Your glory and Your power working everday so that my lips will never fail to give you praise. May I empty myself of me and allow You to fill me with your Holy Spirit so I am not seeking my own way but I am seeking only Your kingdom and Your righteouness (Matt 6:33) because then I know You will add everything I need unto me! I pray that throughout the day I would praise You for who You are and each night I would examine and recount Your faithfulness to me! I am amazed at You, Lord and pray to know You more! Amen!