Interesting Developments

I've known since last Spring that I am A Marked Woman, but something interesting has been happening as I attempt to stay alert and ask God to help me recognize His glory...His essential character...when I see it. A lot of us see it...but I want to recognize...in the moment that what I'm witnessing is Him at work...in me...through me...and around me.

Home schooling my kids, attending a Christian home school co-op, going to church and mostly being surrounded by Christians, doesn't afford me much opportunity to meet people who don't call Jesus, Lord. The rare occasion that I am mingling with nonbelievers is mostly limited to running errands and volunteer work. Running errands gives me a very small window to bless someone in the name of Jesus and most of my volunteering is alongside Christians...except at the Aronoff when Abbey and I usher for Broadway, ballet or other programs.

Last spring, one volunteer after another...when there was time to chat...poured out their life stories or current trials to me. After a few situations like this, I was processing one out loud to Abbey that she had witnessed. She thought I was criticizing the person for dumping their burden on us (I wasn't)...but as I was talking through this with Abbey, the realization came over me that this woman wasn't dumping her stuff on us...she was being drawn to the Holy Spirit in us. He was the One listening to, loving on and drawing from her the poison that in that moment, she just needed to let go of. [I'd also experienced this doing taxes last year. (see "Bowed Down")]

That realization was huge for me.

Since May when this happened, it has made me keenly aware of not only what people are saying...but why. This has made me more sensitive to letting God's Spirit first open up the conversation and then affording me the chance to walk into an area of a person's life where I was not expecting to go that day. I can't honestly say that, until now, I've been expectantly waiting for such opportunities...but that is beginning to change.

You see, I started a part-time weekend, seasonal position with the temp agency that hires for Amazon in our area. Yep...it's warehouse work...it's physically demanding...it's fast-paced and confusing...and the pay is only a few dollars over minimum wage...but we need it...desperately. And although I've fought (metaphorically, not with an actual person) to stay home because I knew this was God's Will for me personally, and I have wanted to obey...even when friends, family and some passive onlookers have questioned my motives and thought me selfish for insisting on staying home...we have been at a desperate crossroads, so I took this part of the path.

I've worked through all of the emotions that have gone with this and am okay with obeying God even when others don't agree. And honestly, I did not have a divine leading to go apply with this temp agency. I did not have an irresistible pull to go find a job...no, I've mostly pursued this out of love for my husband and to give him peace and a bit of a respite from the stress of overwhelming financial distress. My contribution still leaves us significantly under the poverty level for a family of six and we still will not have enough to cover all expenses and yes, we will still be dependent upon God's provision...but it helps.

I've given you the background that led me to this job to prove a point though: Even if I've somehow missed the mark of God's absolutely best, perfect will for me...He can still use this job to bless me...and others.

Believe me...I've tangoed with God a lot over starting this job and I begged Him to make it clear repeatedly what I should do. Yet, there was no "word", no shut door, no pulling back. Some would read this to mean it must be His Will for me to do this. They may be right. But I also believe James 1:5-8 that when we lack wisdom and ask God in faith to give it...He does give it abundantly. I tend to equate no "word" with a need to wait further. But regardless...I forged ahead and the above premise still applies: He can bless my inadvertent missteps. I've not intentionally gone outside of His best Will for me...so He can choose to bless where I am.

I've already mentioned the peace that my having even a little income gives my husband. But there's been another interesting development...here I am at work on Saturdays and Sundays (when most people would expect Christians to be at church) and I am having conversations with co-workers whom I've just met three weekends ago, and they are inferring that they know I'm a Christian...without my ever saying anything to indicate that I a.) go to church; b.) am a Christian; c.) home school; d.) live a different life; or e.) give them any cause to believe that I know Jesus whatsoever!

I mean...really obscure stuff...like a woman randomly walking up and asking if I've read the Left Behind series...while I'm wearing a Harry Potter t-shirt! (which some Christians associate with pagan beliefs) Another woman that I think is a Christian...just acting like I am too. A couple of guys that I trained with seeking me out to chat when we go to break or lunch...not in an inappropriate way...I think it's just to have someone nice to talk to. A manager thanking me for being so "cheerful" and helpful because "people like you make my job easier". A trainer telling me that she was happy to see me back (it's a quickly revolving door in a place like this) and I know it's just because I told her "thanks" every time she helped me and she remarked that she didn't mind to help me because "you break the boxes down for me".

Seriously? This isn't rocket science people! I told Dale after the manager's remarks Saturday that it is so foreign to me to not be helpful that I can't imagine someone being non-compliant...I know they deal with people who are though. To top it all off, there was someone I was sent to for help and even the manager called him "Ahmad". I introduced myself to "Ahmad" by asking if it was him and I knew by the look on his face that something "grated" on him when I simply said his name...so I naturally asked (as we all should!), "Am I saying that right?" His reply? My name is "HaMED" but everyone here calls me Ahmad. I said, "Well I'm going to call you Hamed." His beaming smile was worth more than any dollar you could pay me. As I stood there waiting for him to solve my problem, he looked at my name badge and said, "Are you Angie or Angela?" I told him I preferred Angela and he said with a confidant nod of his head, "You call me Hamed...I call you Angela!"

Wow! I am duly humbled, Lord. Something as seemingly simple as getting a person's name right is huge to that person.

This morning when I was alone with God, I wept profusely as I replayed all of this in my mind. I responded to His Love and assurance with a grateful heart of praise because I know that none of these little "differences" come from me. Left to my own devices, I am mean, harsh, grumbling, unkind, indifferent, very unloving and anything but "cheerful". But by His grace, His power and His Love working in me and through me...there is a wealth of opportunities to show the world (or at least my tiny part of it) Who He Is.

Yet, I know I won't be a perfect example. I just pray that God's Spirit keeps these memories in the forefront of my mind so I will allow Him to be on guard in my life about not ruining my testimony before others. You can help me with this too...if the Holy Spirit brings me to mind on any given weekend, whisper a prayer that I will allow His Light to shine through me and to strengthen me against the attacks that I can assure you will come.

For now, I am awed and amazed by a God who uses the "little" people to do the little things that make a huge impact in another person's life...just when they need it.

But I'm left with this question (and believe me...I'm asking myself too!): Why, when there are millions in our culture that call themselves "Christian", does one person stand out as such an anomaly?

I'm not beating myself or anyone else up over this...I'm just praying we all realize the innumerable opportunities that are before us every single day to live out the Love of Jesus before a lost and dying world. 

Amen!

Chosen Because

Imagine, or remember, if you will...that day on the playground when everyone was choosing teams for kickball, baseball, football, dodge ball or whatever sport it was that they were selecting sides. Remember that fear of being the last one chosen? Okay, are your palms as sweaty as mine at just the memory?

There's an idea I've been mulling over for a few days and I've delayed writing because I so very much want to say this right. I've asked Holy Spirit to give me His words because this is such a BIG idea that I know it didn't come from me. At the same time, I want to be very careful to be aware that we are fragile, finite, clueless humans...we live in a land of smoke and mirrors...and I want God's Love to ooze out of every word I write.

So I've wrestled with this thing for a few days...and while I'm still limited to expressing it in words, I know God's timing is perfect and I have to trust Him to use this how He wants...because I am not perfect. And that's precisely what this lesson is about...my imperfection...make that imperfections!

On the 24th, I read a nice reminder in Jesus Calling to take time out to rest and not feel guilty about it. This in and of itself is a discipline that our culture needs to reestablish in our break-neck-speed world. But what threw me for the proverbial "loop" was not even anything that I'd really associated with the need for rest. Here's what author Sarah Young wrote (keep in mind this is written as Jesus speaking the words to you, the reader):

"I have chosen you less for your strengths than for your weaknesses, which amplify your need for Me."

As a long-time Christian, I am more than familiar that God's strength is best displayed through my weaknesses. That when I am weak, then I am made strong by the power of the Holy Spirit (see 2 Corinthians 12:9, and Romans 8:26) But here's what I gleaned from Young's writing on this day:

I was chosen because of my weakness!

If that doesn't hit you like a ton of heavenly bricks...read it again.

I was chosen because I doubt...because I worry...because I fear...because I'm selfish...because I am harsh...because I'm gossipy, critical, negative, ego-centric, troubled, and the list goes on and on and on! I think I sort of already knew this, but on this day, I felt God's loving Spirit reminding me that I don't have to have all the answers and I don't have to "get it right" every time because He knows I'm weaker than even I  know I am...and He's okay with that! In fact...it's exactly why He chose me!!!

Hopefully, you sense my excitement about this. If not...imagine text size 72 instead of 12 and you get the idea. I cannot begin to relate the peace this gives such a failure as myself...and not because it somehow excuses any poor behavior or bad choices/sin on my part. But instead of beating myself up when I fall short of perfection...how about if I give Him those weaknesses ahead of time and ask Him to grow me stronger in them. That way, even if it's only between Him and I, when I do hold my tongue or have faith in the unfathomable or see positive in the negative then I know it's only because of Him and there is no pride in that. No...instead there is deep humility and gratefulness for a God that chose me precisely because He knew He could fill in that deficit.

As I've chewed on this the last few days, it occurred to me yesterday (not for the first time!) that this whole "Kingdom of Jesus" thing is absolutely upside down and backwards to what our human brains think life should look like. I even said to the ladies in my Bible study group, "It's like Alice falling into the rabbit hole." So while I am thankful that God made me intelligent, discerning, a natural leader and a gifted singer...those are not the gifts that I'm praising Him for this morning. No...today...I'm thanking Him that I'm short-tempered, quick to judge, harshly critical, prone to embellish, difficult to work with, selfish, worrisome, fearful, financially challenged, have had a dysfunctional family background and am absolutely not perfect in any way. Only when I take this deformed bundle of junk to Him and acknowledge its existence can He begin to sift through it and create beauty from the ashes of it all (see Isaiah 61:3).

So yeah...in this upside down, topsy-turvy Kingdom of Jesus...I finally get what Paul meant about boasting in his weakness (see 2 Corinthians 11:30 and 2 Corinthians 12:5) My prayer is that when I'm tempted to drown in my failings, I'll allow God's Spirit to remind me that those flaws are not to be a tool of my enemy to keep me afraid and defeated.

Who cares if I'm not the fastest runner, the hardest kicker or even the sharpest maneuverer on the playground? In God's Kingdom...I'm still chosen! And not just chosen...but chosen because I can't run the bases without getting winded!

Amen!

"Beware of Christians"

This post title probably caught you by surprise...but this documentary may or may not. It popped up on our Netflix screen a few weeks ago and I was intrigued by the premise of four college students travelling to Europe to discover what Christianity looks like outside the context of American culture. You may even be able to see the review word in bold at the top of the photo that says "KNOCKOUT". I guess for some, maybe it is.

While I would still highly encourage everyone to watch this, I don't think this film provided any earth-shattering information that I didn't already know. They're simply four young men who are, quite frankly, dismayed and exhausted by what the American church has become. I guess I hit that mark about 10 years ago so there was nothing new and insightful for me. But...as Dale and I discussed after the movie...it was highly encouraging to see four young guys with their whole lives before them grappling with what it means to follow Jesus...not the Americanized version of the Christian religion. Truly...it gave me hope.

Overall, the movie is filled with funny moments, tender moments and obviously eye-opening ones for these kids as well. I've said it before and I will say it many more times before I shuffle off into the sunset...everyone that has ever been raised in the church, should question absolutely everything about religion and faith that have become a part of who they are. The only parameters I'll place on that belief is that you take those questions directly to God, with the help of His Holy Spirit and utilizing His Word (the Bible) as the best research tool there is.

Go ahead...He delights in the questions! At least while you're questioning you have to be engaged in relationship with Him (what I refer to as "The Dance"). The point of this movie is that sadly for thousands of American Christians...that relationship is exactly what is missing.

Mentioned in this post:

Deja vu

In July 2010, I was working through the book of James in the Bible because I felt compelled to do it. "Compelled" may not even be a strong enough word. God's Spirit was leading me to do it and I knew I just had to. I used the inductive study method I learned earlier that year in a Kay Arthur study of Jude I'd attended at a local church. Inductive study analyzes individual words, cross references to other scriptures and sometimes even leads you back to the original Hebrew (in the Old Testament) or Greek (in the New Testament) to better understand the meaning that is sometimes "lost" or maybe just muddled in translation.

As I went through James verse by verse, God's Spirit used those words to alter the course of my life forever.  So many times, I wept, laughed, pondered, reflected and simply poured over what He was doing in me and through me. This blog was started, in part, because I was learning so much that I just had to share what God was teaching me.

When I found out this past spring that our new church would be hosting the Beth Moore, James: Mercy Triumphs Bible study later in the year, I could not contain my excitement. Now, to be involved in it and going through it with my oldest daughter, I can report that I have not been disappointed.

Week after week I have completed the homework and been left teary at remembering how far God has brought me and how much further I have to go. Each Beth Moore session has had multiple lessons for me to take away and "chew on". Today, I was teary and almost wanted to cry out, "God help us!" when she talked briefly about James 2:15-16. James is not a book for the faint of heart. He is not for the nominal Christian. He is not for the one who cries, "Lord, Lord" and then walks right by the one in need. (See Matthew 25:31-46) And there are a lot of us that struggle with James...I mean deeply struggle.

One thing I've learned in this study is that even Martin Luther (the 16th century German theologian that was instrumental in starting the Reformation) wrestled extensively with James. His background in the hypocritical and taking-advantage-of-the-Purgatory-scared-poor Catholic church of his day, left him with great turmoil over James' discussion of faith versus works. (see James 2:14-26)

But in the paraphrased words of Beth Moore, 'You may not like James, but no New Testament author more closely echoes the words of Christ than his younger half-brother, James.'

Echoes the words of Christ? Then I definitely need to pay attention, right?

And that's what I've tried to do. I've tried to read these words as if for the first time...problem is...I am so grateful for the words of James...that even now as I type...I am teary at how much God's grace and His Spirit have changed me since I last studied this book. My life looks and feels completely different and yet, I know there is still so much more to do...not because I have to...but because my Abba loves me so much that I want to!


Postscript: Just how much God used this tiny book of the Bible in my life is evidenced in the titles of the blog posts that came out of that study two plus years ago: James is Kicking My Butt!; More Boot Camp With James; More James...Ouch!; Waitin' on the World to Change; Friend v. Enemy; Well, I Did It; and Community Life According to James If you take the time to read these, I just ask that you bear in mind I'm a work in progress and so are you. Praise God...He never gives up calling us to a deeper walk with Him. Amen!

Okay...I'll FINALLY Wade In...

...well, not really.

But don't feel cheated...I still have an opinion...it's probably not the opinion you want to hear though. What do I mean? Well, odds are you're on one side of the fence or the other...at least if you live in the U.S. And many of you are firmly planted...deeply rooted...on that side. There in lies "the rub".

"Huh?" You may ask.

You see, I've intentionally avoided wading into the foray (a.k.a. muck!) of politics this year. This is the first presidential election where I've been active on Facebook and quite frankly, I'm pretty much sick of all the mud-slinging. First, I opted out of all the political ads that kept constantly coming up on my page. Facebook asks you why. I replied with the innocuous "repetitive" when what I really wanted to check was "offensive". Then there are all of the ads on local TV.

I grew up in Indiana during an age that on election night, all the news commentators threw up the Red Indiana (meaning Republican) before they'd even had their first commercial break. Presidential advertisements were not something to which I was accustomed. Then, just when Indiana gets interesting...we moved to Kentucky. You guessed it...in the last election the first state projected was the Red commonwealth of Kentucky. So you'd think I wouldn't have to worry much about the ads...and you'd be wrong. Our TV channels come from Cincinnati...as in Ohio...as in one of the most hotly contested states there is. And Cincinnati's airport happens to lie across the Ohio River and just down the road from my house. Big deal, right?

Well it is a big deal when the President, Mr. Romney, both of their VP wannabes and even the First Lady have made, to the best of my recollection, at least six visits to the Cincinnati area in the four weeks proceeding this one. Again...what's the big deal? Well, they shut down the interstate (both ways) for the 10 mile (sometimes more) stretch that lies between where they land...and where they need to be.

We Kentuckians get all of the inconvenience...and none of the fun of our votes actually mattering...or sought after. If I actually thought it would matter and if I could actually get anywhere near the motorcades without being taken out by security...I'd love to hold up a sign that reads, "Hey...what about us?" You'd think they could at least throw some candy out the window as they went by or something.

Okay, so those are some of my gripes...but the biggest one has come from the little people...yes...us! Too many times to count I've been honked off at something someone has posted on Facebook. I will not even dignify any of them with a reply. There's been a few times when I've been more than tempted. One of the best things I've seen posted though, came from a Facebook friend, Christi Marcotte. She posted How Would Jesus Vote? on her blog and I agreed with every word.

Actually, it seems like some of the hullabaloo has died down...but there's another debate tonight and I know it will rear it's ugly head soon so I think that's why I'm writing this.

You see...here's the main reason why I haven't posted anything on Facebook: No matter what I say...I am bound to offend someone...multiple someones.

My Facebook friends include ultra conservative right wingers and "just as far" to the left wingers too. I am connected to heterosexuals and homosexuals, some married...some single of each. I don't know for certain, but with over 400 "friends"...odds are I am "friended" by women who have protested abortion and some who have had abortions. I can recall that just recently, there were many that stood in line for hours at Chick-fil-a and many that protested Chick-fil-a. With a heart's passion for single moms, I have many connections to women that desperately need food stamps, government supported health care, free college grants and access to student loans, free school lunches for their kids, the tax-time child tax credits and earned income credits (both only available to working people) and any other available assistance as they work sometimes two jobs and go back to school to better themselves. But I recognize that I have just as many (maybe more) Facebook friends that strongly oppose and resent a lot of government assistance to whom they deem to be "lazy" and "noncontributing"...of which I know there are many in our society. To be fair...I also have a lot of single Facebook friends that probably feel extremely put off and slighted simply because they are not married, nor have any children so a lot of the mud-slinging about benefits, health care, extended family leaves, child tax credits, earned income credits, food stamps, etc....don't apply to them and yet they still have to help pay for them with their tax dollars.

Do you see my predicament? Now, isn't it obvious why I've not waded into the foray until now?

To be completely honest, most of the mud-slinging I've seen and also heard "live" has come from people who call themselves Christians. At first this made me mad...now, it just makes me sad. Don't get me wrong...if in "real life" you actually engage me in a conversation about politics...I am going to have a lot to say...good and bad about both sides. But two Thursdays ago, the women's ministry director at our church spoke some simple, yet powerful words to over 100 women attending our morning Bible study. Sue said something like, 'Remember...this is a place where we come to study God's Word...to come together and love each other and grow closer together as the Body of Christ. This is not a place to discuss politics. There are godly people on both sides of the issues and this is not the place to discuss it.' I could have shouted, "Amen!"

I know this is lengthy and if I haven't angered you too much, I'll go one further, because God says something similar. Yesterday, in my study of James...which has a LOT to say about our tongues by the way...Beth Moore directed her readers to another Scripture that I think I may just post on Facebook every day between now and the election:
     "If anyone advocates a different doctrine and does not agree with sound words, those of our Lord Jesus Christ, and with the doctrine conforming to godliness, he is conceited and understands nothing; but he has a morbid interest in controversial questions and disputes about words, out of which arise envy, strife, abusive language, evil suspicions and constant friction between men of depraved mind and deprived of the truth, who suppose that godliness is a means of gain." (I Timothy 6:3-5)

Beth Moore was asking for the "description of a person who does not submit to sound instruction." How it hit me, was "right between the Facebook eyes". As Christians we do need to submit to sound...godly wise, instruction and when we do, I believe, we will stop participating in a "morbid interest in controversial questions and disputes about words, out of which arise envy, strife, abusive language, evil suspicions and constant friction!" 

Before I got too "high and mighty" because I haven't been political this year, God's Spirit reminded me of my fascination with conspiracy theories, secret agendas and the like...and how they get me all riled up until I spew out the poison all over my husband who, quite frankly, doesn't want to hear it anyway. Keeping my heart and mind...my questions, passions, desires, wants, needs, fears, frustrations, pain, anger, happiness, contentment and even joy...constantly turning back to Him (where my focus should be anyway) and then why would I even begin to entertain the thought of posting something that would cause division or alienate even just one of the Facebook acquaintances or real friends I have?

So yeah...if you're a Christian...you may think I'm "copping out", "riding the fence", "afraid to stand up for the truth". My response? You may be right. But I know in a private conversation, I will gladly speak the Truth when the Holy Spirit prompts me to. As for the public forum? I just know that the only Truth in my life...doesn't need me to stand up for Him anyway...He's done a pretty good job of it since the beginning of time...I think He can handle the next few weeks without me alienating anyone that He is concurrently attempting to draw to Him.

He is Love...and there's no two sides about it! Amen!

"Drawing"

When I read this Bible verse today:

     The LORD appeared to him from afar, saying
     "I have loved you with an everlasting love;
     Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness." (Jeremiah 31:3, NASB)

I quickly remembered a line from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers movie where Gandalf tells Saruman he will "draw him" from the possessed king of Rohan "like poison from a wound". The comparison to the scripture in Jeremiah left me aghast at just how far my Abba has gone to demonstrate His unquestionable love for me.

(Warning: this may be a little unsettling to the queasy stomach!) Unfortunately, I've had my fair share of infected wounds, boils, sties, warts, mosquito bites and bee stings where the best remedy for the wound was to "draw out" the yuck...the poison held within. Once expelled, the surrounding skin could now do it's real work of repairing, healing and restoring the area that had once been "diseased". It's the same thing with a venomous snake bite...so I've been told. You have to suck out the poison to save the bitten victim.

I am a very visual person. To picture my Abba slathering His compassion (another word for lovingkindness) all over the putrifying, infected, "yuck" of my soul is breathtaking beyond words. He says here in Jeremiah that His compassion/lovingkindness "draws" us. Wow!

You can absolutely interpret this passage to mean that He draws us to Him. But today...by His grace...He gave me a little different meaning. Praise God He draws me to Him...but He has also slathered His lovingkindness in the form of compassion all over my soul and "drawn" out of me the yuck that has infected my life from day one. When the yuck is gone...He can finally get to His real work of repairing, healing and restoring that area of my life. Amen!

Now, we live in a fallen world and our wounds will continue to fester to varying degrees and sometimes just when one wound heals, another breaks wide open...but I am so thankful for the Cure that never fails to "draw" me. Amen!

Special Requests

I haven't gathered up the prayer requests for this month and posted them yet, so I'm going to offer them up this way for a change. There are two new ones, one for a single mom and one for us.

• I received an e-mail from a mom tonight that due to an injury and work hours being cut back she is short on her rent this month by a few hundred dollars. She's raising her two kids on her own and for the three (about) years she's been single, she's done really well providing for them. Please pray for God's provision and that when I follow up with her she will hear only her Abba loving her. There is a former mutual church associate I'm also considering contacting that may know of a way to assist her, but I'm praying for God's wisdom on whether to proceed or not.
• For our family, we're seeking direction for the future. It is becoming clear with each passing month that to continue renting at our current location is not financially feasible. We're seeking God's wisdom that I know He will provide. We pray He'll lead us to where He wants us to be and that the transition will go well for the kids. Our current lease isn't up until February, so we have some time before decisions have to be made. But we're feeling the pinch as it tightens more and more so we're completely open to whatever and wherever He leads us.

One praise:

• Mom of 4 received first child support check from her ex and she and the kids are adjusting well to their move to Florida.

Financial Statement September 2012

Here's a link to our monthly Financial Statement

While still endeavoring to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit, I am considering discontinuing these. If the direction of our ministry does not become a more public and "shared" vision, then there is no need to continue reporting our personal giving to single moms on these reports. Unless He tells me differently, I always seek to give in private so only God receives the glory. It is possible that in the near future we may not openly report outgoing gifts to single moms unless the funds were donated by a party other than ourselves. I will always be forthcoming with someone else's money that they have entrusted us to use for God's ministry to others. I just feel a bit awkward (and hypocritical to some degree) continuing to share giving that is coming only from us.

Please do not interpret this as a plea for assistance in this work. It is not. I am completely confident that God's Spirit will always provide in the way He that will best glorify Him. Giving in secret is how I believe He wants to work in my life. Amen!