Seems like every time I go back through one of his books, I find something new to hit me in a different way. This time it was near the end of Forgotten God.
"If you have not known and experienced God in ways you cannot deny, I would suggest that you are not living in a needy and dependent way. God delights to show up when His children call on His name and when they are trusting fully in Him to come through, whether that is in relationships, in battling sin, in strength to make sacrifices, or in endurance to be faithful in daily life. Are you living this way? Or are you surviving only by your own strength, by your own wits?"
Ouch! I've been so distracted the last few months (read any post between October and December) that I've been trying to solve this community thing in my own strength. When all He's wanted was to have me ask Him for His guidance, His wisdom, His love. So if this weren't enough of a lesson, a few paragraphs below I read:
"The church is intended to be a beautiful place of community. A place where wealth is shared and when one suffers, everyone suffers. A place where when one rejoices, everyone rejoices. A place where everyone experiences real love and acceptance in the midst of great honesty about our brokenness. Yet most of the time this is not even close to how we would describe our churches."
Double ouch! He just described everything I want, miss and yearn to have in community. Yet, I know it's not my job to change anyone else. My dissatisfaction is my problem, not theirs. If God wants to draw them into genuine community, he will reveal that to them...in His time.
Then Francis Chan says (okay, writes) what I have more or less said to myself repeatedly in the last few months. Again, I can only focus on me...
"As for me, I am tired of talking about what we are going to do. I am sick of talking about helping people, of brainstorming and conferencing about ways we can be radical and make sacrifices. I don't want to merely talk anymore. Life is too short. I don't want to speak about Jesus; I want to know Jesus. I want to be Jesus to people. I don't want just to write about the Holy Spirit; I want to experience His presence in my life in a profound way."
Is it possible to have a triple Ouch!?
I am only responsible for myself, and I've been so discouraged by others, that I haven't been doing what Angela needs to do. I need to 'be about my Father's business." and no one else's.
The great thing about what's happening right now in my life is that once I finally spoke all of this out loud to my husband a few nights ago, I discovered that once again...we are both processing, mulling over and struggling with the almost exact same thoughts. Again, confirmation from Holy Spirit that He has us both headed in the same direction. I don't know why I drag my feet in telling Dale. I guess I'm afraid he'll think I'm overreacting or making too much of a little thing. So I wait and in this case stew...I wasn't even really praying about it because I was so afraid of what Holy Spirit would say.
What can I do about community and serving others and living out the Holy Spirit's call?? Only focus on myself, not others. And pray some day, I'll get this right! Also, when there's something pulling me away from my Abba, not to run from it but to turn to Him...because that's right where He wants me to be. [Funny, as I'm writing this, a version of Fanny Crosby's Draw Me Nearer that I really like just came on my Ipod...appropos I believe!]
Also, I do believe I need a boat-load of discernment about several things right now...so I'm attempting to fast (I think I even posted about this previously). Being driven back to Holy Spirit over and over...I can't think of a better way to end 2010 and begin 2011. I'm praying not for answers...but for wisdom and guidance...let Him worry about the answers!
Okay, I'm almost in tears, so I have to finish with this:
"I am Thine, O Lord,
I have heard Your Voice
And it told Your Love to me.
But I long to rise
In the arms of faith
And be closer drawn to Thee.
Draw me nearer,
To the Cross where Thou hath died.
Draw me nearer,
To Your precious bleeding side.
Draw me nearer.
Draw me nearer.
Consecrate me now
To Your service, Lord
By the power of grace divine.
Let my soul look up
With a steady hope
And my will be lost in Thine.
Draw me nearer
To the Cross where Thou hath died.
Draw me nearer
To Your precious bleeding side.
Draw me nearer.
Draw me nearer.
There are depths of love
That I cannot know
Til I cross the narrow sea.
There are heights of joy
That I may not reach
Til I rest in peace with Thee.
Draw me nearer
To the Cross where Thou hath died.
Draw me nearer
To Your precious bleeding side.
Draw me nearer.
Draw me nearer."
Monday, December 27, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Officially Declaring 2011 as the "Year of Conversion"
If you've clicked over to my second blog, you know I'm attempting to live a Vegan lifestyle. On that blog, you can read about how I want to convert the family to this way of eating too.
But at the heart of this "Year of Conversion", I know there is so much more. I truly believe that eating the Vegan way is just one more way that Holy Spirit is trying to strip me down so I can run His race. I really don't anticipate this being a "fun" year...but it will be amazing, I'm sure!
I think He's going to continue to challenge us with our finances...not for the sake of making it tougher on us...but to teach us even more dependance upon Him. I think He's going to continue to give us "opportunities" to trust Him. Yes, I need to look at these as opportunities, not issues.
I think He's going to ask us to give up more...our time and what we fill it with. I'm already envisioning a "media-free Mondays" plan to approach Dale & then the kids with. I'm going to have to get really creative with school and my time if I expect them to give up all computer, music, tv, texting phones & video games for 24 hours each week. But can you imagine the reconnection for our family to have people over or to play games, do crafts, cook dinner together, go to a park for a walk or just sit outside somewhere and listen to nature buzzing all around us? I think I'm liking this one already! Yes, that means no Facebook, Wii Fit or running errands for me too. I don't want to leave the kids at home to be bored while I escape to run errands.
Believe it or not, I think there's even more...but I'm not ready to put it on here yet. I still need some clarity. So I think He's calling me to a 2-3 week juicing fast. (If I get too run down physically with just juice, I'll only have fruits and veggies.) But I can't think of a better way to finish out the last week of 2010 & begin the first week of 2011 than asking Him what He wants for our family this next year.
Stay tuned...I know from His track record it promises to be anything but boring!
But at the heart of this "Year of Conversion", I know there is so much more. I truly believe that eating the Vegan way is just one more way that Holy Spirit is trying to strip me down so I can run His race. I really don't anticipate this being a "fun" year...but it will be amazing, I'm sure!
I think He's going to continue to challenge us with our finances...not for the sake of making it tougher on us...but to teach us even more dependance upon Him. I think He's going to continue to give us "opportunities" to trust Him. Yes, I need to look at these as opportunities, not issues.
I think He's going to ask us to give up more...our time and what we fill it with. I'm already envisioning a "media-free Mondays" plan to approach Dale & then the kids with. I'm going to have to get really creative with school and my time if I expect them to give up all computer, music, tv, texting phones & video games for 24 hours each week. But can you imagine the reconnection for our family to have people over or to play games, do crafts, cook dinner together, go to a park for a walk or just sit outside somewhere and listen to nature buzzing all around us? I think I'm liking this one already! Yes, that means no Facebook, Wii Fit or running errands for me too. I don't want to leave the kids at home to be bored while I escape to run errands.
Believe it or not, I think there's even more...but I'm not ready to put it on here yet. I still need some clarity. So I think He's calling me to a 2-3 week juicing fast. (If I get too run down physically with just juice, I'll only have fruits and veggies.) But I can't think of a better way to finish out the last week of 2010 & begin the first week of 2011 than asking Him what He wants for our family this next year.
Stay tuned...I know from His track record it promises to be anything but boring!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Some Good Conversations
I'm amazed at how my daughter is growing. So many times now she doesn't speak like a child, but rather the adult that is emerging. From day one, I knew my goal as a parent was to raise the children God gave us into responsible, productive adults. And I prayed they would love God too. But whether they accepted Him or not, they had to become adults.
So I talked to my children as adults from the beginning...probably to a fault some would say. But 15 years later, even knowing this would happen, it catches me off-guard sometimes when she says something so grown up, so mature.
This past week she brought up some very valid points about some things that I've also been struggling with. It seems I'm not the only one in our family whose heart's cry is for closer community...better relationships. And some of the things she said to me where observant and mature, without being condemning. She was truly seeking some answers, expressing her frustration and yet open to the possibility that maybe there was something for her to learn in the situation.
Granted, she's still a teenager and a lot of what concerns her is very ego-centric. But given that she's only 15 and already gets that a life with God is all about relationships...well, she's already 20 years ahead of where I started!
So I talked to my children as adults from the beginning...probably to a fault some would say. But 15 years later, even knowing this would happen, it catches me off-guard sometimes when she says something so grown up, so mature.
This past week she brought up some very valid points about some things that I've also been struggling with. It seems I'm not the only one in our family whose heart's cry is for closer community...better relationships. And some of the things she said to me where observant and mature, without being condemning. She was truly seeking some answers, expressing her frustration and yet open to the possibility that maybe there was something for her to learn in the situation.
Granted, she's still a teenager and a lot of what concerns her is very ego-centric. But given that she's only 15 and already gets that a life with God is all about relationships...well, she's already 20 years ahead of where I started!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Stealing My Joy
Met my friend yesterday for some much needed adult conversation and she said something that I think summed up most of how I've been feeling. I've been struggling to get my finger on what's been going on spiritually and I don't want to believe that I'm just always going to be this hot and cold person.
I know from experience that there are definite times when God feels closer and there are even times when we are allowed to feel the "dark night of the soul"...when He just seems absent or maybe silent is the better word. But I don't think this is a time when He's backed off so that I can pursue Him more...I'm pretty sure it's me.
I know I haven't been reading Scripture as much and that is part of it. I've done this in the past and I'm fairly certain it's because I'm afraid of what He's going to tell me. So I think my friend telling me that while I'm probably right about a situation I've been dwelling way too much on, I don't have to let the attitudes of others steal my joy was exactly what I needed to hear. Holy Spirit said those words, not my friend. Obviously, she said the audible words...but Holy Spirit said them to my soul.
And again, I know this all revolves around that C word...community. I want it...no, I long for it...I need it. Yet, this is one area where the enemy expertly keeps us so busy, wrapped up in ourselves and feeling so isolated that community sounds impossible to live out. I want to gather regularly with other Jesus followers that are so passionate about knowing Him more our conversation always gravitates toward what He is doing in and through us. These conversations take place frequently, comfortably and naturally as we eat and socialize in one anothers' homes and as we work and serve beside each other as active participants in living out God's kingdom work.
The thing I think I'm avoiding is ultimately a pride issue...and while I'm so focused on not looking weird to others, I'm not focusing on serving others either...and it then becomes a whole cycle of selfishness that needs to stop.
Another interesting idea that's coming out of all that I'm pondering is that basically, I'm worried about appearing counter cultural which as Lohfink says in Jesus and Community is exactly what a Jesus follower's life should look like. I mean, we already homeschool, we eat differently than most people I know and we attend a church plant...what more would Holy Spirit want??
I know there's much more to say about all of this, but it would just be me rambling (what's new, right?). I really think what needs to be said will come from Holy Spirit and will be life-changing for me.
Now, if you can make any sense out of any of the above, you are one step ahead of me. I had numerous interruptions while posting, am pretty certain I have ADD and really just can't get my brain around what God is asking me to do. The best thing I probably could have posted would just be one little word...Pray!
I know from experience that there are definite times when God feels closer and there are even times when we are allowed to feel the "dark night of the soul"...when He just seems absent or maybe silent is the better word. But I don't think this is a time when He's backed off so that I can pursue Him more...I'm pretty sure it's me.
I know I haven't been reading Scripture as much and that is part of it. I've done this in the past and I'm fairly certain it's because I'm afraid of what He's going to tell me. So I think my friend telling me that while I'm probably right about a situation I've been dwelling way too much on, I don't have to let the attitudes of others steal my joy was exactly what I needed to hear. Holy Spirit said those words, not my friend. Obviously, she said the audible words...but Holy Spirit said them to my soul.
And again, I know this all revolves around that C word...community. I want it...no, I long for it...I need it. Yet, this is one area where the enemy expertly keeps us so busy, wrapped up in ourselves and feeling so isolated that community sounds impossible to live out. I want to gather regularly with other Jesus followers that are so passionate about knowing Him more our conversation always gravitates toward what He is doing in and through us. These conversations take place frequently, comfortably and naturally as we eat and socialize in one anothers' homes and as we work and serve beside each other as active participants in living out God's kingdom work.
The thing I think I'm avoiding is ultimately a pride issue...and while I'm so focused on not looking weird to others, I'm not focusing on serving others either...and it then becomes a whole cycle of selfishness that needs to stop.
Another interesting idea that's coming out of all that I'm pondering is that basically, I'm worried about appearing counter cultural which as Lohfink says in Jesus and Community is exactly what a Jesus follower's life should look like. I mean, we already homeschool, we eat differently than most people I know and we attend a church plant...what more would Holy Spirit want??
I know there's much more to say about all of this, but it would just be me rambling (what's new, right?). I really think what needs to be said will come from Holy Spirit and will be life-changing for me.
Now, if you can make any sense out of any of the above, you are one step ahead of me. I had numerous interruptions while posting, am pretty certain I have ADD and really just can't get my brain around what God is asking me to do. The best thing I probably could have posted would just be one little word...Pray!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Losing Focus
I know I've been in a rut for a several weeks and I think I even know why. But what I've noticed is that I'm trying to get myself out of it. This is what I've always done...prayed harder, dug into Scripture more, and basically beaten myself up because I can't "feel" God anymore. I mean, He's always there right? So doesn't the saying go that if we can't feel Him, it's because we're the one that has moved?
Problem is, I don't like beating myself up over this. And I don't think God wants me to either. One thing I think that is frustrating my Bible study efforts is that the anal person in me thinks I have to finish this study in John before I can move on to the next book to study. But, so what if all the chapters aren't given a title? Can't I come back to that later? Why not instead ask Holy Spirit to lead me into the next book He wants me to study and enjoy His leading instead of my own?
Second thing that I know is distracting me is my new lifestyle change to becoming a Vegan. If you didn't already know this (because I've been very quiet about it for fear of failing!), then SUPRISE! (I even started another blog too!) But looking for recipes, shopping more frequently for fresh fruits & veggies, baking from scratch & again, my compulsive, anal behavior that makes me obsess with graphs & charts of potential weight loss, pulls my time, focus & energy away from the best Weight Loss Counselor ever. I mean, isn't He the Creator of my body and therefore the best Guide as to what should go in it? And shouldn't I let Him be my Cheerleader for my success instead of needing to see it on a spreadsheet? Shouldn't I let Him tell me when & how much to exercise instead of some runner's website that doesn't know I have a family to care for & should be priority instead?
And the last thing, we're headed into winter (even though it's just started looking & feeling that way), my husband has been working so much that I'm feeling a little neglected & I feel like I have to go back to doing taxes this year even though it's the last thing in the world I want to do...all of this combines to make me a little depressed, ego-centric and thus, not so nice to be around. Okay, on these, I can pray to enjoy this season and the unique blessings it brings (slower pace, time with family, and especially enjoy Christmas), ask God to become even more the lover that I need to uplift & encourage me and really pray about the job for the tax season & accept His answer...not what I want or what someone else thinks I need to do.
So I'm going to stop beating myself up and for all of these weaknesses and distractions, just ask the Abba who delights in me to make me more aware of His workings in me and our family, help me delight in Him, family and friends and ultimately...stop focusing on myself...Him first, others second and the rest will fall into place.
I'm so thankful that His love doesn't depend on my performance!
Problem is, I don't like beating myself up over this. And I don't think God wants me to either. One thing I think that is frustrating my Bible study efforts is that the anal person in me thinks I have to finish this study in John before I can move on to the next book to study. But, so what if all the chapters aren't given a title? Can't I come back to that later? Why not instead ask Holy Spirit to lead me into the next book He wants me to study and enjoy His leading instead of my own?
Second thing that I know is distracting me is my new lifestyle change to becoming a Vegan. If you didn't already know this (because I've been very quiet about it for fear of failing!), then SUPRISE! (I even started another blog too!) But looking for recipes, shopping more frequently for fresh fruits & veggies, baking from scratch & again, my compulsive, anal behavior that makes me obsess with graphs & charts of potential weight loss, pulls my time, focus & energy away from the best Weight Loss Counselor ever. I mean, isn't He the Creator of my body and therefore the best Guide as to what should go in it? And shouldn't I let Him be my Cheerleader for my success instead of needing to see it on a spreadsheet? Shouldn't I let Him tell me when & how much to exercise instead of some runner's website that doesn't know I have a family to care for & should be priority instead?
And the last thing, we're headed into winter (even though it's just started looking & feeling that way), my husband has been working so much that I'm feeling a little neglected & I feel like I have to go back to doing taxes this year even though it's the last thing in the world I want to do...all of this combines to make me a little depressed, ego-centric and thus, not so nice to be around. Okay, on these, I can pray to enjoy this season and the unique blessings it brings (slower pace, time with family, and especially enjoy Christmas), ask God to become even more the lover that I need to uplift & encourage me and really pray about the job for the tax season & accept His answer...not what I want or what someone else thinks I need to do.
So I'm going to stop beating myself up and for all of these weaknesses and distractions, just ask the Abba who delights in me to make me more aware of His workings in me and our family, help me delight in Him, family and friends and ultimately...stop focusing on myself...Him first, others second and the rest will fall into place.
I'm so thankful that His love doesn't depend on my performance!
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