Losing Focus

I know I've been in a rut for a several weeks and I think I even know why. But what I've noticed is that I'm trying to get myself out of it. This is what I've always done...prayed harder, dug into Scripture more, and basically beaten myself up because I can't "feel" God anymore. I mean, He's always there right? So doesn't the saying go that if we can't feel Him, it's because we're the one that has moved?

Problem is, I don't like beating myself up over this. And I don't think God wants me to either. One thing I think that is frustrating my Bible study efforts is that the anal person in me thinks I have to finish this study in John before I can move on to the next book to study. But, so what if all the chapters aren't given a title? Can't I come back to that later? Why not instead ask Holy Spirit to lead me into the next book He wants me to study and enjoy His leading instead of my own?

Second thing that I know is distracting me is my new lifestyle change to becoming a Vegan. If you didn't already know this (because I've been very quiet about it for fear of failing!), then SUPRISE! (I even started another blog too!) But looking for recipes, shopping more frequently for fresh fruits & veggies, baking from scratch & again, my compulsive, anal behavior that makes me obsess with graphs & charts of potential weight loss, pulls my time, focus & energy away from the best Weight Loss Counselor ever. I mean, isn't He the Creator of my body and therefore the best Guide as to what should go in it? And shouldn't I let Him be my Cheerleader for my success instead of needing to see it on a spreadsheet? Shouldn't I let Him tell me when & how much to exercise instead of some runner's website that doesn't know I have a family to care for & should be priority instead?

And the last thing, we're headed into winter (even though it's just started looking & feeling that way), my husband has been working so much that I'm feeling a little neglected & I feel like I have to go back to doing taxes this year even though it's the last thing in the world I want to do...all of this combines to make me a little depressed, ego-centric and thus, not so nice to be around. Okay, on these, I can pray to enjoy this season and the unique blessings it brings (slower pace, time with family, and especially enjoy Christmas), ask God to become even more the lover that I need to uplift & encourage me and really pray about the job for the tax season & accept His answer...not what I want or what someone else thinks I need to do.

So I'm going to stop beating myself up and for all of these weaknesses and distractions, just ask the Abba who delights in me to make me more aware of His workings in me and our family, help me delight in Him, family and friends and ultimately...stop focusing on myself...Him first, others second and the rest will fall into place.

I'm so thankful that His love doesn't depend on my performance!