Seems like every time I go back through one of his books, I find something new to hit me in a different way. This time it was near the end of Forgotten God.
"If you have not known and experienced God in ways you cannot deny, I would suggest that you are not living in a needy and dependent way. God delights to show up when His children call on His name and when they are trusting fully in Him to come through, whether that is in relationships, in battling sin, in strength to make sacrifices, or in endurance to be faithful in daily life. Are you living this way? Or are you surviving only by your own strength, by your own wits?"
Ouch! I've been so distracted the last few months (read any post between October and December) that I've been trying to solve this community thing in my own strength. When all He's wanted was to have me ask Him for His guidance, His wisdom, His love. So if this weren't enough of a lesson, a few paragraphs below I read:
"The church is intended to be a beautiful place of community. A place where wealth is shared and when one suffers, everyone suffers. A place where when one rejoices, everyone rejoices. A place where everyone experiences real love and acceptance in the midst of great honesty about our brokenness. Yet most of the time this is not even close to how we would describe our churches."
Double ouch! He just described everything I want, miss and yearn to have in community. Yet, I know it's not my job to change anyone else. My dissatisfaction is my problem, not theirs. If God wants to draw them into genuine community, he will reveal that to them...in His time.
Then Francis Chan says (okay, writes) what I have more or less said to myself repeatedly in the last few months. Again, I can only focus on me...
"As for me, I am tired of talking about what we are going to do. I am sick of talking about helping people, of brainstorming and conferencing about ways we can be radical and make sacrifices. I don't want to merely talk anymore. Life is too short. I don't want to speak about Jesus; I want to know Jesus. I want to be Jesus to people. I don't want just to write about the Holy Spirit; I want to experience His presence in my life in a profound way."
Is it possible to have a triple Ouch!?
I am only responsible for myself, and I've been so discouraged by others, that I haven't been doing what Angela needs to do. I need to 'be about my Father's business." and no one else's.
The great thing about what's happening right now in my life is that once I finally spoke all of this out loud to my husband a few nights ago, I discovered that once again...we are both processing, mulling over and struggling with the almost exact same thoughts. Again, confirmation from Holy Spirit that He has us both headed in the same direction. I don't know why I drag my feet in telling Dale. I guess I'm afraid he'll think I'm overreacting or making too much of a little thing. So I wait and in this case stew...I wasn't even really praying about it because I was so afraid of what Holy Spirit would say.
What can I do about community and serving others and living out the Holy Spirit's call?? Only focus on myself, not others. And pray some day, I'll get this right! Also, when there's something pulling me away from my Abba, not to run from it but to turn to Him...because that's right where He wants me to be. [Funny, as I'm writing this, a version of Fanny Crosby's Draw Me Nearer that I really like just came on my Ipod...appropos I believe!]
Also, I do believe I need a boat-load of discernment about several things right now...so I'm attempting to fast (I think I even posted about this previously). Being driven back to Holy Spirit over and over...I can't think of a better way to end 2010 and begin 2011. I'm praying not for answers...but for wisdom and guidance...let Him worry about the answers!
Okay, I'm almost in tears, so I have to finish with this:
"I am Thine, O Lord,
I have heard Your Voice
And it told Your Love to me.
But I long to rise
In the arms of faith
And be closer drawn to Thee.
Draw me nearer,
To the Cross where Thou hath died.
Draw me nearer,
To Your precious bleeding side.
Draw me nearer.
Draw me nearer.
Consecrate me now
To Your service, Lord
By the power of grace divine.
Let my soul look up
With a steady hope
And my will be lost in Thine.
Draw me nearer
To the Cross where Thou hath died.
Draw me nearer
To Your precious bleeding side.
Draw me nearer.
Draw me nearer.
There are depths of love
That I cannot know
Til I cross the narrow sea.
There are heights of joy
That I may not reach
Til I rest in peace with Thee.
Draw me nearer
To the Cross where Thou hath died.
Draw me nearer
To Your precious bleeding side.
Draw me nearer.
Draw me nearer."
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