Stealing My Joy

Met my friend yesterday for some much needed adult conversation and she said something that I think summed up most of how I've been feeling. I've been struggling to get my finger on what's been going on spiritually and I don't want to believe that I'm just always going to be this hot and cold person.

I know from experience that there are definite times when God feels closer and there are even times when we are allowed to feel the "dark night of the soul"...when He just seems absent or maybe silent is the better word. But I don't think this is a time when He's backed off so that I can pursue Him more...I'm pretty sure it's me.

I know I haven't been reading Scripture as much and that is part of it. I've done this in the past and I'm fairly certain it's because I'm afraid of what He's going to tell me. So I think my friend telling me that while I'm probably right about a situation I've been dwelling way too much on, I don't have to let the attitudes of others steal my joy was exactly what I needed to hear. Holy Spirit said those words, not my friend. Obviously, she said the audible words...but Holy Spirit said them to my soul.

And again, I know this all revolves around that C word...community. I want it...no, I long for it...I need it. Yet, this is one area where the enemy expertly keeps us so busy, wrapped up in ourselves and feeling so isolated that community sounds impossible to live out. I want to gather regularly with other Jesus followers that are so passionate about knowing Him more our conversation always gravitates toward what He is doing in and through us. These conversations take place frequently, comfortably and naturally as we eat and socialize in one anothers' homes and as we work and serve beside each other as active participants in living out God's kingdom work.

The thing I think I'm avoiding is ultimately a pride issue...and while I'm so focused on not looking weird to others, I'm not focusing on serving others either...and it then becomes a whole cycle of selfishness that needs to stop.

Another interesting idea that's coming out of all that I'm pondering is that basically, I'm worried about appearing counter cultural which as Lohfink says in Jesus and Community is exactly what a Jesus follower's life should look like. I mean, we already homeschool, we eat differently than most people I know and we attend a church plant...what more would Holy Spirit want??

I know there's much more to say about all of this, but it would just be me rambling (what's new, right?). I really think what needs to be said will come from Holy Spirit and will be life-changing for me.


Now, if you can make any sense out of any of the above, you are one step ahead of me. I had numerous interruptions while posting, am pretty certain I have ADD and really just can't get my brain around what God is asking me to do. The best thing I probably could have posted would just be one little word...Pray!