I'm Still Learning

You will never hear me say I am perfect. That's partly why I wanted to go public with this juice fast. I know I am most weak in the area of food and the online accountability is helping.

If you know anyone that knows more about what is good for your body and what is not than I do...then I would love to meet them. I am not boasting though, because my implementation of it is a whole different story!

My greatest desire is to obey God in every part of my life and food is the one that always trips me up. That is not a great revelation, but it is truth that needs to be said. I also believe that He gave us pure, wonderful, flavorful food from His good Earth for our enjoyment...and we have completely messed it up.

I also know that while there is nothing sinful about cake, donuts, pie, cookies or any processed food that we can get our hands on...a steady diet of it leaves me feeling tired, run down and even makes my body too sick to function optimally. Processed sugar is not a sin...but it is not necessary for life.

I also believe that in order to "run the race" (see Hebrews 12:1) that we as Christians are all called to...I can not keep up with the pace my Abba has set before me if I'm loaded down with nasty foods that can even cause chronic, debilitating diseases...like arthritis, cancer, fibromyalgia, or osteoporosis. And even as a woman entering a later phase of life, if I am having horrible mood swings, hot flashes, cramping, and heavy, erratic cycles...I feel strongly that these can all be reversed with proper nutrition. I have experienced it first hand. We were not created just to suffer.

So I know all of this and believe it wholeheartedly...but it's still a struggle to implement it daily. Yesterday, was a good example. I did well juicing, but took the kids for a small, fast food, late lunch...and that was the first mistake. I shouldn't feed this junk to my kids either! I attempted to choose healthy, but even a grilled chicken caesar salad is not healthy at Burger King.

I proudly poured my dressing into the lid so I could use the old dieter's trick of dipping my fork in it instead of loading up the salad. I laughed because they gave me two packets of dressing and I used less than a quarter of one. Yet sadly, I know there are people that would use both. I say I was proud...until I finished and actually looked at the dressing ingredients: soybean oil (bad for hormones and is a genetically modified food), buttermilk (dairy is just not good for you, but do your own research) and a few more down the list was mono sodium glutamate. Yep, MSG...right there in my "natural" salad dressing. Here's a website with information about MSG side effects. One thing I do know though, is that it is put in food to make us addicted to it and it is used to fatten up rats for laboratory testing. There is no such thing as a fat mouse or rat. So when testing on obesity is done, in order to "fatten up" the rodent...yes, they feed it MSG. And this stuff is everywhere and under too many aliases to list here. Do your homework though. You can find more information with groups that promote truth in labelling.

Overall though, I felt okay, but probably too full after eating the salad. By dinnertime, I juiced again and was feeling pretty good. Then...I did the bad thing that just threw me over the edge...popcorn.

We make our own...on the stove top...with olive oil and sea salt...so it is much healthier than any microwave version or those made with copious amounts of soybean oil at a theater. But here's what I didn't realize and have never experienced before: issues from salt.

I have never added salt to my food at the table and use very little in cooking. Any recipes that call for it, I never measure it out...I just give a shake over the bowl or pot. Apparently, all this juicing though has pulled the unnecessary sodium from my cells and eating some popcorn last night was not the great experience I was hoping for.

I awakened this morning to a tongue that felt like cotton and my contact lenses sticking to my eyeballs...both indications that I was severely dehydrated. I was also up three pounds from the day before. I know you can have weight fluctuations from day to day...but three pounds was a pretty good indication that I was retaining water.

I say "I'm Still Learning"...but hopefully, this lesson is not one I'll have to repeat to "get it".

A friend asked me today how long I intended to continue the juicing. I realized I don't really have an answer for that. I don't plan on being militant about this, I just want to listen to my body and take cues from the natural ones that God has placed within each of us. My son's birthday is Tuesday, so I know we'll go out that night and I hope to make very wise choices. But my response to my friend was something like, "I think I need to do this until I've eliminated the caffeine, sugar, salt and other cravings I have." My ultimate goal is to continue this healthy, mostly vegan eating forever. I know that will be a difficult challenge. I have attempted it before. But with every day that I juice, I get one day closer to being free from the power of processed, refined foods that are literally killing us.

On the brighter side, I juiced for breakfast and finished it around 10 a.m. and didn't get to start my lunch juice until about 2:30 p.m. Sure, I was hungry...but it wasn't so uncontrollable that I was shoving everything I could find into my mouth. So there is progress. And for that, I am thankful!

"Why are you persecuting ME?"

You don't have to be a Jesus follower long to know there is a history of persecuting His disciples. The New Testament is replete with examples of followers of "the Way" who were being flogged, jailed, and stoned because of their refusal to deny that Jesus was the one, true Messiah...God in human flesh who lived, died and rose again. But there's only one story that I know of in the Bible that gives you the perspective of a persecutor...the story of Saul.

As I've begun to study the life of this man, later known as Paul, a few things have struck me differently than I'd originally remembered. God's Word (the Bible) is alive (see Hebrews 4:12) and one reading to the next, God's Spirit will use it to teach me new things. Today in (Acts 9:1-19), it wasn't exactly a new idea...just one word that stabbed through me into a place I don't journey often...the persecution of Christians.

I've lived my whole life in mid-America, sometimes called the upper part of "the Bible belt". My small town upbringing didn't lend itself toward opposition, let alone persecution, for being a Christian. Today, some Americans are overly concerned that taking prayer out of public schools or the Ten Commandments off the courthouse walls is the beginning to the end of our religious freedom...a freedom on which this country was founded. And their concern may be warranted.

But whenever Christians here get all bent out of shape over what may or may not happen...in my mind I always think..."Well, at least you're not being shot for your faith...yet." It's a very real possibility in many nations around the world...today. All I had to do was google "countries that persecute Christians" and 537,000 sites popped up in 0.32 seconds. The one I clicked on persecution.org even has a map that shows exactly where this occurs.

So today, when I read this passage I was thankful God's Spirit spoke this little word to my heart...ME. I'm not certain of the exact timing of Saul/Paul's conversion on the road to Damascus, but we do know that Jesus died, was buried, was resurrected and was seen by hundreds of followers for 40 days. Many other details are related in Acts before the Damascus Road encounter between Jesus and Saul/Paul, so I think it's safe to assume this could be many months after Jesus had ascended to Heaven and the Holy Spirit had begun to dwell in His followers. But note what Jesus says: "Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me?"

Not...My followers...My disciples...My friends...My loved ones...no, it was Me. When I read the passage this morning, probably for the fiftieth time or more, Holy Spirit put one of those ideas in my head that was instantly complete...but very difficult to put into words...human words. Bear with me, I'll do my best (with His help, of course!)

You see, Jesus told us if you feed the hungry, clothe the naked, visit the sick or imprisoned that it's the same as doing it to Him. He also told us that if you don't do any of these it's the same as neglecting service to Him. (see Matthew 25:34-41) Based on the encounter with Saul/Paul, is it safe to assume or is it too big of a leap to infer that when our Christian brothers and sisters are left hungry, naked, sick or imprisoned because of their faith in Him there is some sort of "spiritual transference" where Jesus actually takes upon Himself their persecution? What comes to mind instantly is that He did take upon all of the sin ever to exist in the world when He died on the cross. But in that way that I can't exactly wrap my brain around...He is still taking it upon Himself as it happens. I'm sure there's probably a Biblical reference or commentary somewhere that would explain this better...but I can almost visualize the tortured prisoner with the faint outline of Jesus (the same as an artist might depict an angel or spirit) hovering over His child and shielding him or her from the full onslaught of evil all around them.

Can this be why the apostles "rejoiced that they had been considered worthy to suffer shame for His name." (see Acts 5:40-42) Is this how thousands of Jesus followers throughout history have gone singing to their deaths. Is this the reason why even today in China...despite sometimes brutal persecution...hundreds of people are turning to Jesus every single day?

When Jesus is the one taking the persecution onto Himself, yes, of course the physical ramifications are borne out on the human flesh...but are we not taught in scripture that this is just a temporary shell that we occupy until the New Earth and our bodies are completely perfected? Paul...yes, the same Saul/Paul that used to persecute Christians...later calls the persecutions that happen to him "light and momentary troubles". Unfortunately, we only see with human eyes. What I had the pleasure of being reminded of today is that what really matters...our spiritual souls...remain untouched. Jesus personally sees to it that the persecuted soul is unblemished. He is the one that bears the scars. The bodies we leave behind may show some scars...but the soul will be refined and perfected just like gold in the fire.

Does that get your heart pumping? It did mine! I do not currently live in a place or time when I have to face persecution...but some day I may. It could be a very real reality for my children or grandchildren. Whether it is or not, this I know...no matter what the forces of evil concoct for our mortal frames...Jesus will see to it that the soul of His beloved is safe. Amen!

I'm going to add just one more thing. Because this blog goes out to "the great unknown" and because I see daily that it is read by people all over the world and because sometimes the countries listed are ones where persecution is active and even rampant...I feel obligated to the one that may read this that knows all too well about what I write, it is my desire to share in your sufferings through prayer and petition on behalf of the Abba who knows you by name. You are not anonymous to Him! You are not forgotten! You are loved with a passionate, furious, boundless love that seals you and jealously keeps you for His own! And one day you will stand before Him and He will tell the story of how you remained faithful throughout and even despite your pain. That is a story I can't wait to hear! Until then, my hope is that I will be more attuned to God's Spirit so I will be reminded more frequently to pray for you and my brothers and sisters around the world who need to know the encouragement, the comfort and feel the close Presence of the One in whose Name they suffer.

Amen!

Just Hanging On!

Anyone that knows me, knows that I'm verbose. Yet, if you're a frequent reader, you may notice that I've been unusually silent. To be honest...I'm struggling. Nothing new...I know. But, if nothing else, I do try to be honest about my struggles. Yet, I've hesitated to post too much because I really just feel like I'm being whiny. A dear friend assured me about a week ago that I am not...but I just can't help feeling like a big 'ol whiny baby.

I mean, I have so much to be thankful for and 90% of those aren't financial. I'm reading through Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger, and while I'm being challenged because we live in one of the wealthiest, most consumer-driven nations on Earth, it's also been causing me a lot of angst I think. Analyzing the reason for this, I can see that there are some deep-rooted issues and misconceptions about Him that God is trying to weed out and unfortunately, I've been hanging on to these issues more tightly than I've been hanging on to Him.

You see, I keep reading this book and telling myself (or allowing my enemy to tell me), "But, I'm not a rich Christian," "I have nothing left to give", "Giving time, a listening ear and prayer, just don't seem like enough". In the meantime, I'm finding myself a little resentful. Ouch! Ripping the bandaid off the self-pity wound here...hang on a minute. This is going to show just how ugly and twisted my thought processes are... I keep thinking..."I'm not the one that needs to read this book, yet, I can't go hand it to a rich Christian and say, 'You need to read this.'" And when I truly grasp our financial circumstances, we make less than many of the people we want to serve when you calculate government assistance and wages together. So far, government assistance has not been God's path of provision for us...it may be some day...but not for now. I fully support those that use government assistance while they are working or going to school and have no other means to survive...it's just not been His plan for our family for some reason that only He knows. [Hope that is understood and doesn't piss off anyone! Just a truth for our family alone.]

So this ugliness of bitterness, resentment, judgment, criticism, fear, doubt, worry, etc., etc., etc., has kept me from embracing and become the woman that God created me to be...one who loves Him above all else and defends and supports the poor and downtrodden, particularly single moms and their families. Instead, I've been wallowing and worrying...two W's that do not exist peacefully with the W I should be doing...Worship! God's brought me face to face with this ugliness and He's challenging me to analyze why it's there, own up to my part of it and let Him root it out. So here goes:

• For some reason...I think partly due to always having lived in suburban, white, America...I have bought into this lie that I somehow deserve financial blessings. After all, many a sermon has said, 'If you just do A, B, and C, God will provide for all of your needs.'
• But in the U.S., we convince ourselves that our "needs" are plenty. We don't live in a place where we only need food, clothing and drink which is really all that Jesus promised to provide if we sought first His Kingdom and His righteousness. (see Matthew 6:31-33) No, we convince ourselves we "need" smart phones, and iPads, and a new car every 3 years, and a home big enough so at minimum each person in the family has at least 500 square feet, and closets overflowing with clothes, and pantries overflowing with food, and lessons or sports for all of our children's "gifts", and 2+ hours spent on the latest movie, and meat at every meal. I admit it...I swallowed the sales pitch hook, line and sinker. I struggle now to backpedal and teach my children differently and embrace the counter-cultural change myself.
• I somehow believed all of the teaching that prevails in America that God will only allow you to be tested for a "season". But what if this is as good as it ever gets? I mean, do you just walk away from a marriage because you made the wrong choice...WAIT!...don't answer that one. God's plan was for you to say "No" to that question. Likewise, what if God's best for our family from this point forward is for us not to just defend the poor and downtrodden...but to be the poor and downtrodden. I mean who better to speak up for the deeply impoverished than someone that has come from "the other side", survived the downward mobility of it all and lived to tell about it? And has the education, wisdom, knowledge and discernment to boldly say, "Oh but Beloved, He never would want you to go through this miserable life of poverty somehow believing that you deserved it!"
• I also was suckered into the undercurrent of American Christianity that teaches "You reap what you sow." That sounds an awful lot like karma to me...and as Jesus followers aren't we supposed to be thriving in and loving the fact that we are not getting what we deserve? Isn't that grace? I mean if we're going to get what we deserve, then we're all going to Hell, right? Yes...there is a passage in Galatians 6:7-8 that alludes to this idea that what we sow, we will reap. I mean, I eat too much food, so I am overweight...but wait...there are people two times smaller than me that eat five times more than I do. So somehow I "deserved" to be born into a food-focused, sedentary family that passed down a slow metabolism that was developed over several generations? Hmmm? I don't know about you, but I can't honestly look at a woman in India that was sold into prostitution as a child and tell her she "deserved" it. That's what hinduism has already taught her. I also can't peer into the eyes of an African mother and tell her she "deserves" to watch her children starve because she was born 20 years ago into sub-Saharan Africa.

With all of this brewing and overflowing in my mind and heart, is it any wonder that I've been "Just Hanging On?" But here's some promises He's led me to in the last few weeks that I'm now hanging on to.

• God is unchangeable and even swore by Himself (because there's no one else God can swear by) that those who take refuge in Him can have encouragement to hope in Him. This should be the anchor of my soul instead of the American way of life. (see Hebrews 6:17-19)
• He reminded me of Beth Moore's teaching and how she emphasizes over and over again, that with His Sovereign hand upon my life, anything that He allows to come my way can be used for my good and His glory...anything. But I have to allow Him to show me. And even when I can't see any good in it. I can trust that...see bullet point above! A song we sang in church Sunday used the exact phrase, "for my good and His glory." Talk about reinforcement of an idea!
• He is with me always even until the end. (see Matthew 28:20)
• Nothing...not one blessed thing, can keep God's Love away from me. (Romans 8:38-39)
• He will not fail me or forsake me. (see Joshua 1:5)
• He won't even forget about me. (see Isaiah 49:15-16)
• And in what has already been a recurring prayer of mine and a more fervent one recently, I know that all of my emotional roller coaster begins in my brain...and I read my friend Christi's blog post about just that very thing today. (see Take Every Thought Captive) This is also a recurring Beth Moore theme.

What conclusions can I draw during this barren time of waiting? One...that I do think God is still molding and shaping us into a different direction. I hesitate to use the word, "squeezing" us into a different place, but that's sort of what it feels like. Two...that He's teaching me to appreciate the "little" (sometimes very little) blessings that come along the way: fresh, homegrown peaches from Dale's co-worker; our own tomato and cucumber plants finally producing a little each day; selling a few unused items and getting a little bit of money for them; time together as a family because we only have a few years until the nest begins to empty; and even a few more that will help cover the bills just exactly how we needed...no extra...but covered nonetheless. And the third and maybe most challenging...I think it's time to tell our story. I know...I have...ad nauseum...on this blog and in person with many others. But I don't seem to see too many books on the Christian bookstore shelves entitled Poverty Sucks! or I Hate Being Poor. This is just an idea that God is tossing around in my brain, but I do think there needs to be an honest voice somewhere in our Christian world that says, "not all Christians are rich and yet they live in an age of hunger...now what do we do with that?" I just know that this isn't a common message in many of the rich suburban churches I've attended.

So who knows? Only God does in fact. And I'm hanging on to Him and not letting go because He's my hope, my refuge, my anchor, my rock and my salvation and nobody is going to separate me from Him...nobody!

Mentioned in this post:

A Groping Faith

I abhor media sensationalism and so I often emotionally distance myself from the tragic headlines of the day. Still God's compassion and love move me deeply when I hear of horrific events like what happened in Aurora, Colorado. No, it's not on my mind constantly, but I've thought about it enough to not be in a hurry to scrounge up the money to go see this movie that our whole family has anticipated seeing for the last three months. We're also friends with a family, who are friends with someone who was injured in the attack. We don't know this family, but we know they've been affected. And of course there are an unlimited number of posts, news articles and blogs that you can read regarding the tragedy. I'm sharing two: one a Facebook friend posted, So You Still Think God is a Merciful God and one written by my high school buddy and now Artistic Director for the Nashville Film Festival, Brian Owens, I'm Going to a Movie This Weekend. I share Brian's because for me too, movies have always been a refuge...a place to get away and refuel...and also great fun. One of my favorite things to do is see a movie by myself. I quote movies often and I've passed on this love of movies to my kids...I don't want them to be scared to go see a movie.

So why am I even bringing this up? Because God's timing is always perfect. 

How? Three days ago, I read a devotional in Jesus Calling that I've been mulling over and have known for three days that I wanted to share...not the devotional...but the Scriptures referenced in it and how God put it all together for me. But there was that "delay"...for lack of a better word...that pulling back...a hesitancy to dive into it and write for "some" reason. Now I know why. 

I don't have anything new to say. And really what I want to say isn't even my words...and I've struggled for three days to even find a way to put into human words what sometimes can't be described...faith. Not just faith...a groping faith.

Sarah Young writes, "I  (Jesus) am far more Real than the world you can see, hear, and touch." The Scripture references for the day brought this together as a wonderful reminder to my soul of how this could possibly be true. I find great comfort given the struggle to cling to faith I've been having. If you've read the headlines lately or even my previous post Pleading for the Widow, you'll understand that I'm not the only one struggling.

So what is faith?

"Faith is the confirmation of things we do not see and the conviction of their reality, perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses." (Hebrews 11:1, Amplified Bible)

If you're a Jesus follower and the next time, you know you're supposed to do something, follow that particular path, or leap into a certain adventure...yet, you cannot explain with your rational, tangible senses why...that's faith. Read the definition again...it is confirmation...of their reality...real fact. Why do we then make faith seem like some existential practice in ethereal voodoo? Okay, that may not make sense. But I am guilty...and if you've been walking along the Jesus journey for very long...you probably are also...of making faith, well, hard. We run around like chickens with their heads cut off looking for signs and wonders and checklists or "hanging out our fleece" (see Judges 6), but all of these rely on our senses of sight, sound, touch, etc. Instead, God calls us to a confirmation that relies upon His Holy Spirit, giving us the conviction of His reality.

So if we're dependent upon His Spirit as our source of faith...where we draw our perception of reality from...where do we find Him in the midst of trial, tribulation and great tragedy?

"...they would seek God, if perhaps they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us..." (Acts 17:27, NASB)

There it is...a groping faith. When the bottom falls out, when you've reached the end of your reserves, when there isn't even a chance to look up for help because the cavern is so dank and dark and seemingly impenetrable...grope for Him and find Him and He will give you the confirmation of things we do not see. That is where you'll find your faith to carry on, that is where you'll gain the proper perspective of what is real and what is just "smoke and mirrors", that is where you'll discover that He is not far from each one of us!

In private conversations over the years, I've told many people to "hold Him to His word", "grab hold of Him and ask Him to reveal Himself to you", "stay in the dance, don't let go...cling to Him". I know now that sometimes you have to grope around in the dark to find Him first. This is the one time that it's okay to grope Someone!

I feel like I'd be remiss if I leave it there. This post might not apply to you right now, but if you're still breathing...some day it will. As my pastor said a few weeks ago, "Things will get worse before they get better...but they will get better."

Amen!


Mentioned in this post:

Together

I've been chewing on this word a lot over the last few days and I thought I'd share what it's come to mean to me. I'm nearing the very end of my study of Esther and I'll be a little sad to see it go. I always feel melancholy about ending a Beth Moore study. I learn so much and experience a great deal of growth in a pretty short period of time, and I just long for that feeling to continue...every day.

Although the study is nearing the end, Moore's Spirit-inspired take on Scripture continues to speak right up to the last word. And the most significant word this week for me was "together".

I found this little treasure tucked away in a chapter I've read so many times, that when she referenced it in the reading and asked the reader to look it up, I immediately had it narrowed down to one or two very frequently quoted verses. It's in Romans 8, which for most Christians that have been studying the Bible for more than a few years, instantly conjures up many different verses that they can "hang their faith on", so to speak. Romans 8:28 is by far, one of the most touted, most shared, most quoted, most...abused even...scriptures there is. Yikes! Did I really just say abused? Afraid so.

Here's the verse as I read it a few days ago in my New American Standard Bible:

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

An amazing scripture, from an amazing God!

One of the first things we often fail to point out is this is a promise to Christians...Jesus-followers...those that claim the blood of the Messiah as their only way to having a relationship with God the Father...the Creator of us all. I cringe when people quote this to anyone and everyone. If someone is not in relationship with the Father, He can work things out for their good...but He doesn't promise it.

The next thing is the definition of "good". In America we tend to think in terms of wealth and prosperity...try telling that to a single mom in Africa or Asia. We personally lost everything financially a few years ago. By American standards, there is no "good" in our lives, but I can share countless "goods" that have come from that situation alone..."good" as God's Holy Spirit has defined it for me.

But, sadly I've heard this scripture shared most often to try to give an explanation to someone for the reason why they're experiencing great suffering, overwhelming tragedy or deep and severe pain and I know that becomes one of the many stumbling blocks why hurting people can't ultimately trust God. They think: "How can you say He is a good God if He thinks letting _________________(insert tragedy) happen to me is for my good."

Believe me...I've been there!

I'm sorry if I offend here...that is truly not my purpose...but how can we ever, honestly look at someone and say, 'Yes, divorce is good for you and your kids.'? In what universe is losing a baby or having one diagnosed with a chromosomal defect, or losing a parent to Alzheimer's, or losing your innocence as a child to abuse...a good thing??? Really? If you dare say that to the one in the middle of the swirling hurricane-force gale, you better duck quickly because if it were me...I might start throwing punches. [Just being honest!]

Then there's that word I've been chewing on...that word that Holy Spirit just hasn't let go out of my head...together. You see, I think what He's been trying to show me is that I will absolutely, without a doubt, drive myself C-R-A-Z-Y trying to find the proverbial "silver-lining" behind every rain cloud. I am not just analytical...I am hyper-analytical. I think very deeply and have even been told this is a bad thing. But God made me this way, right? And I have experienced some things in my life that in the moment and isolated by themselves had absolutely no good in them.

But...

taken together with, let's say...my personality...or my character...or my husband's wisdom...or my kids' laughter...or my sense of humor...or my experiences as a child...or my church background...or that sermon I heard 10 years ago...or a relationship that crossed my path for a moment, or a lifetime...or that other thing that happened a few years back...

and He...the ineffable One...the One who is so amazing we can't even come up with a word that can contain all that He is...

He takes a jagged edge from this piece and sets it next to the curve of that piece and lines it up with the plumb line of that piece and shaves off the extra from that piece and buffs the raggedness of that piece and fills in the empty spots with that piece and is constantly polishing all of the pieces so that...together...it is good.

I know a lot of hurting people right now and I, in turn, hurt for them when I hear comments from well-meaning people that are trying to put a positive spin on their pain. You know, maybe one of the best things we can say is, with honesty..."You know what ______________(insert tragedy) SUCKS! And I'm hurting for you. And I'm praying for you. And I do not want to make light of your pain, but don't drive yourself nuts trying to find something good in this. All you can really do, is pick up the pieces and carry them to the One that can put them all together and make something good from them. He's guaranteed you that if you're one who loves Him...He will do it! Hold Him to the promise! It's okay to tell Him He has to come through. He delights in His children staking their lives on one of His claims!"

You know what? His Son did too!

Hebrews 12:1-3

Feeding Time

Today's devotional in Jesus Calling, was good as it always is, but it wasn't anything that just "wow-ed" me...and then I read the Scripture verses.

"Therefore He is able also to save forever those who draw near to God through Him, since He always lives to make intercession for them." Hebrews 7:25

That one is great all by itself. But then in God's perfect timing, I read Psalm 37:3-4.

Trust in the LORD and do good;
Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the LORD;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.
 
These verses were an awesome reminder at how God has transformed my heart to desire the things that matter to Him. Of course He'll give me the desires of my heart because as I delight in Him, I draw closer to Him and the things that make Him joyful...make me joyful. Conversely, the things that break His heart...break mine. This has been a wonderful promise to me so many times over the last few years.
 
But I was at the computer when I looked up these two verses and rather than pull out my Bible and look them up, I searched Biblegateway.com as I sometimes do and this is where He "zapped" me. I say zapped because sometimes His Word just comes through like a nice little jab of lightning or a least a little electrical shock. This was one of those times.
 
It's an innocuous enough word...it doesn't seem that intrusive...but sometimes it's just one word...and this was it...cultivate. He tells us to "Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness."
 
He taught me several months ago that His faithfulness means His really, real reality. This world that we live in is often just "smoke and mirrors" put in place by our enemy, satan, who wants to distract us in any way he possibly can from becoming all that God created us to be. But God's faithfulness is His really, real reality and at the root of that really, real reality is an incomprehensible Love that knows no bounds. This faithfulness...the really, real reality will never change! Amen!
 
Today, though, I caught an alternate definition on Biblegateway.com for that little word "cultivate" and it said this: feed securely or feed on His faithfulness.
 
I know, maybe not much of a lightning bolt for you...but for someone who yet again is getting frustrated with her weight, eating habits, finding solace and comfort in food instead of God...this was just the shock that I needed prodding with for today.
 
What's He trying to say to me? Why do I consistently and persistently struggle with this area in my life? I know it's because I look to other things (in my case food) to satisfy my cravings for love, comfort, acceptance, peace, de-stressing, really...you could insert almost any emotion here. But God...today...wanted to remind me to feed on His faithfulness.
 
This is the most difficult, longest battle I have fought in my life. And I've fought it most of my life. Every fiber of my being is interwoven with the past, present and future of a life that has struggled with food. For those that want to reply that it's just a matter of self-discipline, determination, willpower, good food choices...etc...I say, "Good for you! But none of these have ever kept my weight off."
 
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt only standing full and complete and loved in His Presence will keep me satisfied for the long haul. After all...only He will completely fulfill the void of love, acceptance, comfort and every other emotion that I seek to fill with food.
 
Is this going to be easy? Absolutely not!
Is knowing that I should feed on God's faithfulness going to help me avoid every temptation from this point forward? Probably not!
Is feeding on God's faithfulness over time going to develop an intimacy with Him that will satisfy me in ways that food never can or will? Definitely yes!
 
I think that's a great place to start!
Amen!

Self-Pity

I'm going to attempt to do a little catching up on my blogging today and the next few days. It seems with working, there just aren't enough hours to do all I want. But mostly what I've wanted when I'm not working is just to sit and unwind. So I've opted to play computer games or catch up on Dr. Who episodes with my kids (related post coming soon!) instead of doing "kingdom work" like spending time with God or sharing what He's teaching me when I do get alone with Him.

I've continued to meet with Him every morning...it's just felt less focused. And I've shared on here previously how I've felt distant from Him and accept full blame for it. Yet, as He always is, He has remained faithful to speak to me through the cacophony with which I surround myself. He's been teaching me great lessons about selfishness; territorialism that I try to spiritualize and disguise as "boundaries" (essentially telling myself things are "mine" when they're not really); discernment vs. judging; how to disciple my kids instead of punishment/consequences; and, as always, more lessons about love...His for me and mine for others.

This is going to take more than a few posts to "unpack" (a current favorite word of hip pastors), so let's get started!

I've chosen to start with self-pity, because it grabbed my attention almost a week ago and God keeps bringing me back to it. I'm not afraid to admit I love a good wallow...not in a "oh, woe is me" sort of way, but rather in a "I'm shutting down today because I can not handle all that is expected of me so please leave me alone" display of self-pity. Unfortunately, those days have been quite frequent of late. Ugh!

But about four days ago, I read this in Jesus Calling:
"Be on guard against the pit of self-pity. When you are weary or unwell, this demonic trap is the greatest danger you face. Don't even go near the edge of the pit. Its edges crumble easily, and before you know it, you are on the way down. It is ever so much harder to get out of the pit than to keep a safe distance from it. That is why I tell you to be on guard." (further suggested reading Psalm 89:15 and Hebrews 12:1-2)

It goes on to describe how to be on guard...by praising and thanking God for everything...constantly and without ceasing. I know, I know...easier said than done. And we all have something in our lives for which to be thankful seems absolutely ludicrous. But, I have yet to ever experience the true Love of God or anything of His kingdom that just "makes sense" according to our human standard of measuring it.

Also, as I've reread this passage every day since I first read it, God has lovingly and gently reminded me that it hasn't just been my lack of praise and thankfulness that was causing my spiral into a pit of self-pity. No, the first place I went wrong was to allow myself to be deceived into believing that this life is actually mine.

You see, I was bought with a very expensive price...the life and blood of Jesus the Messiah who was in fact, God in human flesh. And as I'll expound upon in future posts, when I am dead to self and alive in Jesus, the Christ (Messiah), and He alone is living in me and through me, then nothing...absolutely nothing is mine.

How does this manifest itself in my life?

• Well, if someone is stirring up some trouble and wants to twist my words to sully my name...it just doesn't matter, because it's not my name to begin with. Yes, I need to be on guard about what I share with this person...a line has to be drawn, but only my reaction and actions henceforward will prove that I am God's and He is mine.
• If called upon to discern the best course of action to help someone, I need not rely upon my judgements, but rather allow God's Spirit to lead me on how to best serve in any given situation.
• When giving advice to my kids or attempting to diffuse a volatile situation between them, I should quit worrying about how they're infringing on my time and my peace, but rather see these as opportunities for growth, discipling (I like that word better than disciplining because of the cultural connotations of punishment.), setting aside my desire to be left alone to refuel and working on building them up instead.
• When our home is a mess, the laundry and dishes are overflowing, I have no time to do quality grocery shopping and my expectations are not being met for what I consider to be healthy, harmonious, organic or "green" living...I should instead be thankful we have a home, clothing, food to put on the dishes and the ability to have abundance when so many in our world don't.

Yes, this is very humbling to admit just how selfish I am. But if I can't "name it and claim it" then how can I ever let God fix it? Ultimately, that's the most important part of the process to me. So while I may be exposing myself to derision for being honest about my flaws...who cares? It's not my life anyway! I thank and praise God for that. Amen!

Wait For the LORD

Even though some might view it as mundane, it has been a blessed day in the Lord. [Funny how as I walk further on in this journey, I sound more like an old church lady! I guess they didn't always sound that way either!] But why so blessed? Because He has been faithful to give me Scriptures and reminders of just how amazing He is!

I've been starting my secluded time with Him each morning reading the daily devotion from Jesus Calling. I'd begun doing this because some days I pray and meditate so long that I don't get to my Bible study as often as I'd like. Each day the author, Sarah Young, includes at least two and often more Scriptures that pertain to the devotion she has written.

I'm am always encouraged by this little devotional book, but I am often challenged as well. Today was a blend of both. Here's the part that hit me:
"Thank Me for your neediness, which is building trust-bonds between us. If you look back on your journey thus far, you can see that days of extreme weakness have been some of your most precious times."

Immediately, I was reminded of my pure petrification (that is a word, right?) at going out to ask business owners for donations for our 24-Hour African Famine Event. I blogged about this some in I Needed This One Today.

The next situation Holy Spirit reminded me of ties into the Scripture mentioned in that same blog post, Hebrews 12:1. Interestingly enough, I spoke to the ladies of our home school co-op this past Friday on this exact same Scripture. But Holy Spirit was having me tie it into the idea of Weightlessness that God first began to plant in my heart and in my head back in April.

Why can't we experience a complete absence of worry, guilt, doubt, fear, shame, regret, etc. here and now not just after we die? After all, didn't Jesus teach His disciples to pray, "Your kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven."? (Matthew 6:10) Isn't just a little further down in Chapter 6 where He goes into great detail about why we shouldn't worry? And in verse 33 He commands me to "Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things (food, clothing and drink) will be provided to you."

So how come we are still such a stressed out, overwrought, depressed, guilt-ridden and shamed culture...and I'm not talking about non-Christians...I'm talking about those of us in the church? Could it be...is it remotely possible...that the primary reason is because we don't "Wait for the LORD"?  In fact, either while I was speaking or while praying for the groups of ladies during each of the three sessions on Friday, I felt specifically led to stress that becoming "Weightless" is not just another task for them to do. They are not to try to take it into their own hands to fix...but to go the One that knows them best...tell Him honestly, "God, here's the "stuff" I need to dump."...ask Him how and wait for Him to show you.

It seems I've been having a lot of this same discussion recently. And it's not just been with one or two people...it's becoming a repeated theme. Now, it might be asked in different ways...using different words...but what I'm coming to realize is that it all seems to boil down to this same idea: 'How can I (Angela) possibly know that the thoughts, ideas, plans, rationales, etc. that I am experiencing are truly from the Holy Spirit?' Put another way: 'How can you possibly discern that what you're describing as the Spirit of God's leading, voice, plan, decision, etc., is in fact, Him and not you?'

Funny enough the biggest reason that I know it is Him and not me is one that may actually sound arrogant if I were to quickly reply thus: "I know it's Him...because I don't feel the need to defend this."

To some, that may sound prideful and rude...but only I (and even better yet, God) know my heart. And even though I may be passionately explaining why I know it's the Holy Spirit...that's because I so very much want them to experience the same freedom of taking their hands off of their lives. In my heart I know  I am not just defending my actions. I am at complete peace with God defending Himself to them...that's not my job! And if I walk away from a conversation and the other paryt still doesn't understand what I'm saying or is even a little angry with me...I'm okay with that...all I can do is speak truth. It is not my burden to make someone see my point of view and agree with it.

But as I've been having some of these conversations what repeatedly comes up is to remind them that I am a planner. I've also blogged about this a few times before. And for the first time, I have no long range plans. I have no agendas. I have no desire to get from A to B in a specific amount of time. This from the lady that has wasted not just hours but days or even weeks of her lifetime developing plans that never see the light of day...and then being frustrated that they don't come to fruition. No...I have become content to "Wait For the LORD". To be truthful though...there are still some issues where I am running ahead...and God in His patience and grace is revealing those to me, helping me process through them with Him and lovingly guiding me on how to change this behavior.

The freedom though, that comes from knowing that I unequivocally abdicated my control of my life and repeat doing so each and every morning...to the Creator of the Universe and to trust that He will lead me, guide me, love me and whisper to me where to turn and when...is worth absolutely every pain, heartache, trial, temptation, tragedy and disgrace I've had to face to get here.

I just told someone last week during one of these conversations, 'I have spent almost 43 years taking everything into my own hands and doing it my way. I'm sick (to the point of puking) of living my life this way. I want no part of being in control again. I make a mess of it so I'm going to let Him be in charge.'

The follow-up to all of these conversations, lessons shared and memories remembered today wasone of the passages to read for Jesus Calling, Psalm 27:13-14,
"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD." (bold emphasis mine)

Yes, in His timing, in His way and even in His power (given by His Holy Spirit), He will display His active goodness in my LIFE. I don't have to wait until Heaven. His kingdom is here and now! But, what do I have to do? That's right..."Wait for the LORD".

I know this is long...but I can't leave this off...because so many of you don't even know about this! Back in May, I had what I thought was a great idea to host a "free garage sale" to single moms. They would be able to come and shop for free clothes and small household items that had been donated. With very little prayer and thought, I forged ahead and approached my pastor and I think my cell group about this and was very pleased with myself for thinking of it. After all, it had to be a God thing, right?
It came down to a leadership huddle for our church on a Saturday morning and Holy Spirit had been tugging on me about this idea for a few days. He would not let it go. But right before I left for this meeting, I got face down on the floor and said, "Okay, You win! I'll let it go! I don't understand why, but You do and that's all I need to know. Yeah, I'll make a fool of myself in front of these leaders, but that's okay...I'll do it for You." At the meeting, when it was my turn to speak about this idea of a garage sale, I said something like, "I'm a little embarrassed to say I have to let this go. For whatever reason, I'm not supposed to do this...at least not now." Everyone was gracious, but the enemy still can give you a little nudge that maybe you're doing the wrong thing and others just won't understand.

But I left it behind, didn't ask again why and have been learning many lessons since May...especially about While I Wait... I may never have known why He asked me to let go of the single moms' garage sale idea. Yet, He is so kind to give me a special blessing of assurance as to how He puts everything together.

Have you figured it out yet?

A few hours ago, my youngest and I are driving back from the grocery store and like a whammy out of left field He reminded me that if I...in my own strength and determination...would have proceeded with that event...which would have still been a good and loving thing to do...He would not have had the opportunity to lay on my heart the perfectly timed 24-Hour Famine for African Relief Event!

That's right, one of the dates I had wanted to do the garage sale was the Saturday after Labor Day...the day we began our fast.

Now, I'm sure God could have still done both...but there's no way that I could have. And plowing ahead with what I thought was a good idea, instead of being able to "Wait for the LORD" would have meant that I would have missed out on all the lessons and blessings that I've shared on here for the last 4 weeks. I know there would have been different lessons and different blessings to be learned by doing a free garage sale for single moms...but I have become so absolutely amazingly aware that they wouldn't have been the best lessons that God had for me at exactly the time He wanted.

What does this mean for my life? Well, for our fast-paced, never-a-moment-to-ourselves kind of frantic, hysteria-filled lives that pervade every single part of the American culture (unless you're Amish!), it may look like I'm doing nothing except being a mom, a home schooler and a wife. But please, don't discount the work...sometimes the battles...that are going on beneath the surface. And trust...even though it may not be in your timing...I am at peace delaying until He shows me His. Because, ultimately...I just want to "Wait for the LORD!"

Some Recent Happenings, Part 2

Training was fine, and the hours weren't that bad. Physically, I was a little achey, but it's warehouse work and I was surprised I wasn't huring more. Yeah, I was a little tired this morning, but even though only my oldest child was home and it was eerily silent, I still woke up at about 8:20 a.m. For only about 5 hours of sleep, I felt pretty good.

Abbey needed to get off to her friend's house, but I had a chance to start up the computer and check a few things, Facebook being one of them. And my awesome friend had tagged me in a note. Keep in mind, she knew none of the details about me starting training and this is what she posted,

"Your greatest regret at the end of your life will be the lions you didn't chase. You will look back longingly on risks not taken, opportunities not seized, and dreams not pursued. Stop running away from what scares you most and start chasing the God-ordained opportunities that cross your path".- Mark Batterson, In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day

She'd also tagged me in a comment and asked if I'd heard of the book (I hadn't) and told me to check it out on Amazon (I did!).


If you click on the link, you can read about 4 pages...and oh my, it was exactly what I needed to read! (Can't wait to get my hands on a copy.) It goes perfectly with True Courage that another friend loaned to me recently. [I'll post on this one later!] So now I not only had a lot of questions about the job...but I realized I don't want to look back on my life and regret that I hadn't completely leaped when God told me to. That I would rue the day that I took matters into my own hands because I didn't trust Him to catch me when He asked me to freefall into His loving arms.

But this "nagging" about if this was God's leading to quit the job or just me making excuses would not go away. I got my oldest off to her friend's house and realized..."I am absolutely alone...no one is home...no one is coming home until Dale gets off work." I thought about going to see a movie (It's $1.75 Tuesdays at the Danbarry!), but knew I needed to just go spend some time with God. For once, I let Him help me deal with a situation head-on instead of avoiding it for a few days with movies, books and other distractions. So He and I sat down for a chat.

I began by reading through the introduction to Jesus Calling again. It gives me so much confidence and boldness to read how someone else just yearns to hear Him speak...and that He will actually speak when we just sit quietly long enough to listen. Today's devotional was based on three passages in Psalms- 32:8;   119:35; and 143:8 All of these speak of letting God instruct me, teach me, show me where to walk and how to walk in His commandments...His ways. The author made a point to say that we can make a lot of plans...but "all that planning ties you up in knots and distracts you from (Jesus)." Good point...and one that He's been teaching me lately as He challenges me to just live day by day. That way I can be interrupted without resentment, I can hear Him when He's calling me to make a change to my day or serve someone with a need.

It was a blessing to have Him reiterating this to me this afternoon. As I kept attempting to seek Him, particularly about this job situation, He was just saying, "Relax, and let me teach you." In her introduction, Sarah Young said she makes a practice of just sitting with a notebook and pen as she waits to hear Him speak. I guess meditation would be the ancient discipline that would best describe this. So I tried to meditate on some passages, conversations, assurances God had given me over the last month and here's what I sensed Holy Spirit "speaking" to my heart.

He had never asked me to go apply for this job to begin with...that was all me. He never told me to keep pursuing it through orientations, follow up calls, etc...in fact, not once has He given me an assurance that this was His choice for me. And last Monday night, He actually had me sent home in an attempt to shut the door.

As I asked Him, "But is all of this just my thoughts, my desires, my wants or are You telling me not to go back." He assured me that every morning as I surrender my will to His...giving Him complete control over my body, my mind and my will...I can begin to trust that my thoughts are His thoughts. He also reminded me of what I've learned in Living Beyond Yourself, that living under the control of the Holy Spirit will increase my discernment, perception and insight. He also said, "Remember what I'm calling you to...a ministry...serving others...living your life sacrificially so that others can know Me. You are not leaving this job so you can watch TV, play computer games and waste your time. You are not being selfish. You are doing what I have called you to do."

He brought to mind a Scripture another friend e-mailed to me: "Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (Hebrews 4:16) But in that moment I couldn't find it. [I was looking in 14:6...guess what, there's no chapter 14 in Hebrews!] I wanted to read this Scripture so badly...I felt compelled to find it...but I couldn't. As I desperately searched through Hebrews though, two different ones caught my eye.

"And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him." (Hebrews 11:6) Ahh...there's that word seek again. And is it possible that my doubts about feeling faithless are well-founded? By seeking a job instead of Him first, am I lacking the faith to dive into the ministry to which I believe God is calling us? Or again, is this just all my random thinking and avoidance of work?

Look what I saw next..."Let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water." (Hebrews 10:22)

I can't explain the peace I felt when reading this. I didn't need to find 4:16...He needed to show me 10:22.  "Don't doubt your motives, He said,  you are surrendering your will to Mine...yes, it can come back up during the day...but you are getting better at letting Me help you recognize it. You are not perfect...but you are not diving into a ministry and walking away from this job so you can be selfish. See...you can have full assurance of faith that your heart has been sprinkled clean from an evil conscience."

I'd already told Him I would let the job go and trust Him to provide completely for us. As long as I am obedient to Him, I cannot fail in His eyes...right? And ultimately...He's the only One I need to please. Now, with that load off my mind, I asked Him what to I do next? How do I let You order my day (a reference back to Jesus Calling)? He immediately led my thoughts to 3-4 steps I can take in this next week (with no kids at home) that will take us a few steps further down the road with Boundless Ministries.

I know I'll doubt again. I know I'll question my motives. I know I'll want Him to speak and be frustrated that He's not speaking loudly enough or quickly enough. But I also know that as these stepping stones of His faithfulness keep piling up, I can trust Him more. As I trust Him more, I obey Him more quickly. As I obey Him repeatedly, He trusts me with more of Him. Isn't that what I've said I wanted all along?

I've thought a lot lately about Daniel, Moses, Abraham and some of the prophets and what never ceases to amaze me is that many times...and I mean many...when faced with a crisis, a deadline, or in some cases a call to instant action...they didn't have time to "pray about it". I've heard this and used this phrase so many times in my life. But what if...and it's a big if...I could be so lost to myself and so full of Him...my every thought a pray of communion to the Almighty...that in a moment such as these men faced I could know what God would have me say or do and confidently do it. That's an amazing life! That's the kind of life in which the Holy Spirit will do amazing things! That's a life that is Boundless!

Also mentioned in this post:

I've Got the Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy Down in My Heart...

If you grew up in a typical evangelical American church like I did, you just read that title and couldn't help yourself from thinking..."Where?"

Yes, it was a catchy tune I sang growing up, but wow! Today...I really do have it deep down in my heart.

I finished (or finished again) Beth Moore's week of studying "Joy" in the Living Beyond Yourself series. Did you know that one of the major catalysts for joy in the Bible is fellow believers? So God really did know what He was doing when He showed us we should live in community with each other, didn't He?

Moore takes each day to go through 5 different catalysts for joy. There are many more, but these are the dominate themes of joy she found throughout Scripture.

1. The joy of our salvation- If pondering on just exactly what Jesus did to accomplish our forever forgiveness and potential for dwelling in Him and with Him forever doesn't bring you joy...nothing else will. (My words, not Beth Moore's!)
2. The joy of discovery- Ever found a treasure in a hidden place? The closer I want to get to God, the more unexplainable He becomes. He is a constant discovery of emotional, mental and spiritual wealth...a real hidden treasure!
3. The joy of restoration- Ever gone through an overwhelming trial or situation when the only thing that got you through was complete dependence upon God? You just knew that you were being sifted or refined and when you started coming out on the other side (because He alone brought you through!) you discovered overwhelming joy instead? Then you know what I'm talking about.
4. The joy of abiding- This is the one I blogged about yesterday (see I Think I'm Being Taught a New Lesson)
5. The joy of fellowship- Let's get into a little...shall we?

Here's some verses for reference:  Romans 15:30-32 Romans 16:19 2 Corinthians 7:4 Philippians 1:25-26 and there are so many more I could share from 1 Thessalonians, 2 Timothy and even the little book of Philemon

But perhaps the one that best sums up what I'm thinking and feeling is this: Hebrews 10:24-25

The NASB says it this way: "and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near."

I know this doesn't mention joy directly, but it is a prescription that you must consider vital to follow if you want some joy in your life! I believe I've posted on here before how when we found out Dale was losing his job and I knew (as discerned from the comforting Holy Spirit) that this was going to be a rough and long road ahead, I made a conscience decision to not isolate our family from others. I was refusing to wallow! I had "circled the wagons" in times of crisis before and I felt like that made it more difficult and took longer to get through the grieving process. And there was grieving that needed to be done. It was a death in essence...a death of a particular way of life.

But what we found was that as people couldn't find an explanation, a rational reason for why we were going through what we were, we found ourselves isolated anyway. So despite our intentions, we found ourselves wallowing. Praise God! He didn't let us stay there forever!

He gave us an awesome couple as neighbors that continued to be an active part of our lives. God cultivated new friendships, "forged in the fire" so to speak...people experiencing their own difficult trials that could not just commiserate but could comfort and encourage us too. He was also redeeming and renewing old friendships. And if that weren't enough, He opened our eyes and our lives to relationships we would have never pursued before because they were "just too messy". But if someone can put up with my mess...I can surely put up with theirs, right?

At the same time God was changing the appearance of our lives as far as physical dwelling, finances, etc., He was transforming our relationships too. Deep joy is found in weathering life's storms together.

I am convinced and personal history bears testimony to the fact that satan can do some of his best work when I isolate myself. That's when consuming doubts, fears and worry assail me most effectively. But when I turn outside of myself, focus on others, enjoy being in their presence...even when the thought of inviting someone over and entertaining them is almost more than I can bear...I do find deep joy.

And amazingly enough, I have experienced what Paul is talking about in Romans 16:19a: "For the report of your obedience has reached to all; therefore I am rejoicing over you..." The situation that comes to mind happened a few months ago.

During my morning prayer time, I was reflecting on all the growth I have seen in my neighbor, Cat's life since I first began to know her. I was thinking of one situation after another where God has grown her by leaps and bounds. The night before she'd even spoken of praying for someone that in the past she would not have considered doing. Holy Spirit just kept collecting these memories in my mind.  I wept as He spoke to my heart like the bragging Abba that He is and said, "Have you seen my daughter, Cat? Look at how she's grown." I had the blessed opportunity to tell her later that her Daddy had bragging on her that morning!



Do you need some joy, joy, joy, joy down in your heart? Then no matter the cost, no matter the inconvenience, no matter the embarrassment, discomfort, pain, or "mess" get out (of your home) and get into relationship with other Jesus followers. If you can't get out of your home then invite them in! And even if you think there's a relationship that's too far gone to be redeemed...I am living testimony that God can heal, will heal, shoot...delights in healing broken relationships and making them even better than they were before.

And when He does, what will you have? That's right...joy...down in your heart!

I Think I'm Being Taught a New Lesson

And it's a little difficult to verbalize, but I'll do my best. This is an experience that's fairly new to me and it completely sounds absurd to my American-culture sensitivities but nonetheless in my pursuit to be obedient to His Voice, I think He's opening up this new area in my life.

In a nutshell, He's teaching me to ask Him for specific things He lays on my heart. That's the gist of it, but the ramifications are huge. It's like cracking open a grain of sand and discovering there was a whole universe inside it that you never knew existed! Ever seen or read the story Horton Hears a Who? Something along those lines.

I'm not even sure I can get my finite brain to wrap around this concept let alone truly appreciate just where it could lead. For now, as I'm working through this, I'm trying to just delight in a God that knows what I need even better than I do and tells me to go ahead and ask Him for it.

God even tells us in Romans that because we don't know how to pray, He's got us covered. "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." (Romans 8:26)

Two very specific situations have happened this summer and quite frankly, my head is spinning a little bit. One, I've already shared on here about how He told me to ask Him for a mini-vacation. (Why Is God So Good to Us? ) And now for about 1 1/2-2 weeks, this number has been rolling around in my head. Every time I would be praying about how to get Boundless Ministries up and running and what the next steps are, this dollar amount always comes to mind. But I've kept thinking "It's just my thought", "I'm dreaming too big", or "I'm sure I'm just expecting too much too fast", on and on ad nauseum!

Then last night in the middle of this crushing blow about starting a job that I thought could help provide some money to start God's work through Boundless Ministries, I told Dale about this number. I said, "Do I sound absurd? Doesn't it sound just 'out there' to be thinking this way?" He smiled and said, 'Funny, for the last several weeks I've been thinking where can we get ____? And it's always that number- _____.'

Odd, huh? Maybe not so much.

After feeling like the ground had dropped out from under me last night (see I Don't Even Know What to Think Anymore! ) I was determined to beseech Almighty God for some answers about whether to continue to pursue a position with SMX or not, about how He will provide for us or to show us how to do it and about how to help a mom that we know that has some needs right now. Did I get any answers? Not really. What I did get was this number coming to me over and over again. It's not like I'm seeing lotto numbers, so don't get any fancy ideas.

What finally happened? I conceded and said, 'Okay God...I'm asking for____________. And I know You will provide it, because You have told me to ask You.' I'm not sure I can describe the immediate sensation of peace that completely washed over me. It was amazing! I finished praying and went straight to my room and wrote down the date and the request on the same paper where I documented the mini-vacation request.

Next I went through all of the Scripture truths He's given me over the last few weeks and I praised Him for doing a mighty work and blessing me with the opportunity to go through all of this for His Name and His Glory. Do I have a timeline for when He'll make this happen? Absolutely not! But I do not doubt that it will be exactly when He wants it to happen.

This morning, as I continued to process through all of the above and sought to empty myself of my will and surrender to the will of God, I felt like Holy Spirit was giving me this lesson: "As you are drawing closer to Me, Angela, you can trust that I will lay a desire on your heart and you can pray for it with confidence that I will provide it. You can trust this! I know it's new to you, but just believe that these thoughts, dreams, desires come from Me. Satan will not plant an idea in your mind that will only produce good, so don't second guess it...it is from Me...so delight in it, ask it and receive it!"

Then my Bible study lesson for the day was about Abiding Joy. And here's the perfectly timed lesson for the day found in John 15:1-17 This is chock full of precious lessons, but here's the one for me for today, verse 3: "You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you." (NASB)

Got it! I am already clean...the enemy is not the one giving me these words of desire that bring about good. They are from You and You alone.

Verse 7-8: "If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples." (NASB)

Really? As I cling to you (Beth Moore says like cling wrap...I like that visual!) and I dwell on Your promises, Your Scripture, Your Word (yes, Jesus is THE Word!) throughout my day, I can trust that my wishes are from You...so I can automatically expect it to happen? Wow! I am humbled! And I don't need to second guess that my motivation is selfish. If it's something that will glorify Him and bear fruit in my life and prove that I am one of His disciples, then ask away!

Verse 10: "If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love." (NASB)

How do I live in peace knowing that the desires laid on my heart are from Him? How do I rest in the knowledge that I am not asking for anything outside of His perfect, sovereign will for me? Keep His commands.

Ahhh! Sweet peace! He is good isn't He?

Then if all this weren't enough, I had a sweet friend send me an e-mail saying Holy Spirit had laid upon her heart a specific request for us that seems way out of this world to happen at this point. But I wept as I realized that's exactly why God gave it to her instead of me or Dale. We are so beaten down in our belief that He can improve our situation through Dale's job or by providing a new one,  that we'd be afraid to even ask for that...so He led our friend to ask it of Him instead! Once again, Holy Spirit laid it on her heart, it could only bring good, glorify God and prove us to be His disciples...so ask away baby!

She even had Scripture confirmation in the asking. When writing in her journal this prayer request God gave her for us, the Scripture on the page just "happened" to be, "Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

Discussing all of this with Dale, I sensed his trepidation about believing too quickly and risking hurt and disappointment again...so I tried to process through some of this with him. I remembered a friend several years ago telling me to "crawl under her umbrella of faith" when I didn't have any. I think that's what God's having us do with our friend's request for us. And then I said something Holy Spirit laid on my heart and I am clinging to it, "I know it sounds absurd. But the more absurd it is, the less we can take credit for it. He can do the absurd. And I just believe that He's going to do something that will blow our socks off." I even had a visual of when Mythbusters has tried to prove that you can have your socks blown off and envisioned the day when our photographer daughter can take a picture of me laying on the ground with some socks by my feet with the caption, "He blew my socks off!"

But Dale just laughed! Instantly, I thought of how recently the kids and I read about how both Abraham and Sarah at different times in the journey just laughed out loud at the thought of having a child in their old age. [Beseeched God very quickly that He would not give us another child! Hah! That would be absurd wouldn't it?!] But there is something about God doing the absurd that just makes us giddy with joy.

And there it is...abiding joy. Cling to Him, obey His commands, trust that His desires become our desires, ask for those desires confidently and quickly and stand back and laugh with joy as He performs what only He can...the absurd!

Okay, the grain of sand is definitely cracked open and there is a whole blessed universe inside!

Propitiation

Funny how one little word can open up a huge path to understanding God's work in our lives even more. I grew up going to church. I know I've heard this word...propitiation...used many times before. But last week, as I was rereading the book of Romans in the Bible, I came across these verses,

"But now apart from the Law the righteousness of God has been manifested, being witnessed by the Laws and the Prophets, even the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all those who believe; for there is no distinction; for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified as a gift by His grace through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus; whom God displayed publicly as a propitiation in his blood through faith." (Romans 3:21-25a, NASB)

There's that word that I've heard so many times and yet, have a very vague understanding of what it means...propitiation. Given the context of the verses and the surrounding chapters, plus the sermons in which I've heard it mentioned, I had come to the conclusion that it means an atoning sacrifice. While I think that is true, the research about the word that I felt Holy Spirit led me to undertake revealed that just assuming it could be defined as an atoning sacrifice only scratched the surface of how deeply meaningful this word is.

If you've read more than a few of my previous blogs, you'll know that I am not a Biblical scholar. I am not seminary trained. I am not a pastor, preacher or at this point even teacher of the Word. I consider myself a student...hungry for more of God, more of His supernatural Spirit in my life and full of a yearning to draw closer to Him so that He can transform my life into becoming the godly woman He intended for me to be since He first thought of me. So my disclaimer will always be that this is what Holy Spirit revealed to me about His Word. I can't always back up my thoughts with concrete evidence...but usually just with blind faith...blind faith that He's doing a good thing in me and will carry it on to completion (Philippians 1:6)

Okay, disclaimer aside...after reading chapter 3 in Romans, I wanted to investigate just exactly what this word, propitiation, means. First place I looked was in my Strong's Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible. The Greek word used for propitiation is "hilasterion"

hilasterion- An expiatory (place or thing), i.e. (concrete) an atoning victim, or (specifically) the lid of the Ark (in the Temple):--mercy seat, propitiation.

What? The lid of the Ark? Mercy seat?

Wow! The wheels were turning now! Everything I could remember about the mercy seat started to come back to me. I knew from a study of Hebrews (that also included studying some of the sacrificial requirements of Leviticus) I did with some ladies at church about 15 years ago that this is where the blood of the sacrifices was sprinkled. Correlations and sacrificial requirements started to fit together like pictures of a puzzle in my brain. The word picture of this and all the meaning behind it was opening up to me like never before. So I dug deeper.

When I looked up the word, propitiation, this passage in Romans is the only place it is used in the Greek. BUT, when I looked up the word, mercy seat...hilasterion IS used a second time in the New Testament. It's found in Hebrews 9:1-5

"Now even the first covenant had regulations of divine worship and the earthly sanctuary. For there was a tabernacle prepared, the outer one, in which were the lampstand and the table and the sacred bread; this is called the holy place. Behind the second veil there was a tabernacle which is called the Holy of Holies, having a golden altar of incense and the ark of the covenant covered on all sides with gold, in which was a golden jar holding the manna, and Aaron's rod which budded, and the tables of the covenant; and above it were the cherubim of glory overshadowing the mercy seat, but of these things we cannot now speak in detail."

Right there in verse 5...the "mercy seat". I hope I'm not making too big of a leap here, but this was how Holy Spirit was teaching me and putting this all together...if Jesus is our "propitiation" (Romans 3:25) and that is also the word for "mercy seat" (Hebrews 9:5) what exactly was the mercy seat? And as the "lid of the Ark" (Strong's definition) what did it cover or contain?

When I researched "mercy seat" in the Old Testament or Hebrew definitions, I came up with nada...nothing. Actually, in Strong's Concordance, it said to see also Mercy and Seat. Well, there are no uses of seat in the Old Testament that refer to this mercy seat. They're all found under the word, mercy. And every reference in the Old Testament to the mercy seat is defined by the Hebrew word, kapporeth.

On it's surface, it seems like a rather insignificant word...

kapporeth- a lid (used only of the cover of the sacred Ark):--mercy seat.

But it's a derivative of the word, kaphar- to cover (specifically with bitumen): figuratively to expiate or condone, to placate or cancel:--appease, make (an) atonement, cleanse, disannul, forgive, be merciful, pacify, pardon, purge (away), put off, (make) reconcile (-iliation)

I never dreamed that such a little word, kapporeth or lid, could be full of so much meaning! Go along with me here...

Jesus is our "lid", our protective covering that placates, cancels, appeases, atones for, cleanses, disannuls, forgives, pacifies, pardons, purges away, puts off and makes reconciliation for MY sin...not His...mine! Wow! He is my covering...my protection!

"But when Christ appeared as a high priest of the good things to come, He entered through the greater and more perfect tabernacle, not made with hands, that is to say, not of this creation; and not through the blood of goats and calves, but through His own blood, he entered the holy place once for all, having obtained eternal redemption." (Hebrews 9:11-12)

But in the Old Testament there are a few more references. Some are for how the mercy seat was to be made...very detailed specifications to what materials should be used, measurements for the size and instructions for how it is to be constructed. Exodus 25 gives the instructions of how it was to be built and Exodus 37:1-9 describes in detail what this mercy seat looked like. If you've ever seen Raiders of the Lost Ark,

you've seen a duplication of how it appeared.

But this isn't all...there is so much more! In Leviticus 10, we're told "Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, took their respective firepans, and after putting fire in them, placed incense on it and offered strange fire before the LORD, which He had not commanded them. And fire came out from the presence of the LORD and consumed them, and they died before the LORD." (verses 1-2)

Leviticus 10:1-15 describes in exhaustive detail how Aaron was to make atonement for the sins of his sons. Aaron's cleansing ritual, just exactly how the animal sacrifices would be selected, how one "scapegoat" would be sent out into the wilderness [Just remembered how our "scapegoat" spent 40 days and nights in the wilderness (Matthew 4:1-11) before He began his earthly ministry, but not sure that's a correlation that could be drawn at this point?] and how the animals would be slaughtered and the blood sprinkled on the mercy seat. All of this was done to atone for the prideful sin of Aaron's sons and the sins of the Israelites.

But I still had one more question about the mercy seat.(see above) "And as the lid of the Ark (Strong's definition) what did it contain?" Refer back to Hebrews 9:4. Inside the Ark was a golden jar holding the manna, Aaron's rod which budded and the tables of the covenant. Am I making too big of a leap to say that ALL of these were embodied or "covered" by the sacrificial life of Jesus? He definitely lived out the perfection of the Ten Commandments or "tables of the covenant". He also told us that He is the "Bread of Life" (see http://writingabetterstory-ab.blogspot.com/2010/09/bread-of-life.html ) Wasn't the manna God's "bread of life" to the Israelites while they wandered in the wilderness for 40 years? So can I somehow find a correlation between Aaron's staff that budded?

I actually was not very familiar with this story of the Exodus. I had to look it up. And honestly, I was blown away by the significance of all that was coming together in my mind.

Aaron's rod buds in Numbers 17, but you have to back up to chapter 16 to understand the story. It seems that Korah, Dathan, Abiram and On together with 250 "leaders of the congregation...men of renown" "assembled together against Moses and Aaron, and said to them, 'You have gone far enough, for all the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the LORD is in their midst; so why do you exalt yourselves above the assembly of the LORD?'" (Numbers 16:3)

We're told that when Moses heard this, "he fell on his face". Moses knew the sin of pride and arrogance would not go unpunished by the LORD. He had already told them "I will have no other gods before Me." And Moses walked so closely with God that in that moment (not after serious contemplation or a month of fasting), he knew what God would have him say to these arrogant men. It was a test of sorts.

Each of the men were to take censers (instruments used in offerings), "put fire in them, lay incense upon them in the presence of the LORD; and the man whom the LORD chooses shall be the one who is holy." Kohath was even a descendant of Levi...the tribe responsible for the care of the tabernacle. It wasn't like he was a lowly Benjamite looking to attain some glory. More accurately, he was probably a man with a "little" piece of the action...but he wanted to be the BIG Kahuna. Do you see how his heart was in this for himself and not for the glory of God?

Well, you can guess what happened, right? When Korah and the 250 assembled before the doorway of the tabernacle, they brought "all the congregation" to stand against Aaron and Moses as well. God told Moses and Aaron, "Separate yourselves from among this congregation, that I may consume them instantly." (Numbers 16:19) But the two humble men fell on their faces before God and begged Him to not be angry with the whole congregation because of the sins of one man. So instead, God told everyone to get away from the dwellings of Korah, Dathan and Abiram. He opened up the ground around their dwellings, "and the earth opened its mouth and swallowed them up, and their households and all the men who belong to Korah with their possessions. So they and all that belonged to them went down alive to Sheol; and the earth closed over them, and they perished from the midst of the assembly." (Numbers 16:32-33) Fire also came from God and consumed the 250 men who were offering incense.

And can you believe it? The very next day it says, "all the congregation of the sons of Israel grumbled against Moses and Aaron, saying, "You are the ones who have caused the death of the LORD's people." (Numbers 16:41)

Now, I don't know about you...but I pray that I would have learned from the earth swallowing up people and fire consuming even more to not question God's choice of which man would serve Him in the tabernacle. But I know there are things over which I continually "grumble" to the Lord. Am I any different when I bring the same worries and concerns to Him over and over again?

Read through any of my previous posts and you'll see a pattern of doubt and worry over His provision. But if I read Matthew 6:19-34, and claim to seek first God's kingdom and God's righteousness, I should be able to put a stake in the ground and count on the fact that God will add "all these things" (food and clothing) to me. (verse 33) He even says only the Gentiles (or heathens) eagerly seek "these things" (food and clothing) and that my "heavenly Father KNOWS that I need these things" (food and clothing). Am I any less faithful than the Israelites when I worry about "these things"? You can bet that when I am worrying about them, I obviously am not 'seeking first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness!'

But back to the story of Aaron's budding rod. (I know, this has been a long back story...but we're almost there!) When the Israelites grumbled this time, God again said, "Get away from among this congregation, that I may consume them instantly." Did Moses and Aaron agree? NO! Yet again, they fell on their faces. But this time, they didn't even have a chance to plead for the lives of the people.

"Moses said to Aaron, "Take your censer and put in it fire from the altar, and lay incense on it; then bring it quickly to the congregation and make atonement for them, for wrath has gone forth from the LORD, the plague has begun! Then Aaron took it as Moses had spoken, and ran into the midst of the assembly, for behold, the plague had begun among the people. So he put on the incense and made atonement for the people. He took his stand between the dead and the living, so that the plague was checked. But those who died by the plague were 14,700 besides those who died on account of Korah." (Numbers 16:46-49)

Did you see it? Did you get the little nugget of glory that has made this VERY lengthy blog all worthwhile? Did you drink in what Aaron did? Right there, in verse 48..."He took his stand between the dead and the living, so that the plague was checked."

Aaron was the high priest that stood between the dead and the living. Can't we make the leap to the conclusion that in the same way Jesus is our High Priest that stands between the dead and the living so that the plague of death is checked?? Absolutely! Scripture tells us He is the High Priest in the order of Melchizadek (Hebrews 6:20-7:22). [To read more about Melchizadek, go to Genesis 14]

Is it any wonder then that to prove once and for all, when God asked one man from each tribe to write his name on a rod and allow Him to choose which man would serve as His holy high priest that He chose the rod of Aaron? God wanted no doubt...He didn't just make the rod bud...the next morning, it had "sprouted and put forth buds and produced blossoms, and it bore ripe almonds." (Numbers 17:8, emphasis mine)

I can almost hear Him say, "Any questions? I didn't think so."

And yes, let's put that in the Ark and cover it with My perfect gold mercy seat so if you ever wonder Who is the Bread of Life, Who perfectly embodies my testimony/commandments to you or Who was chosen as My perfect High Priest...the One who stands between your life and the plague of death (physical and spiritual)...you'll remember it's all contained in the life of the Perfect Covering that is as pure as refined gold...the only One that can "cover" it all with His blood sacrifice.

Jesus is the mercy seat...the propitiation. Amen!



**To get even more background on all of this...for I fear my words can never do justice to all that is contained within this lesson to my heart...read Genesis 14; Exodus 25, 26, 30, 31, 35, 37, 39, 40; Leviticus 16; Numbers 16, 17; Matthew 26, 27, 28; Romans 3, 4; Hebrews 9, 10**