Training was fine, and the hours weren't that bad. Physically, I was a little achey, but it's warehouse work and I was surprised I wasn't huring more. Yeah, I was a little tired this morning, but even though only my oldest child was home and it was eerily silent, I still woke up at about 8:20 a.m. For only about 5 hours of sleep, I felt pretty good.
Abbey needed to get off to her friend's house, but I had a chance to start up the computer and check a few things, Facebook being one of them. And my awesome friend had tagged me in a note. Keep in mind, she knew none of the details about me starting training and this is what she posted,
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But this "nagging" about if this was God's leading to quit the job or just me making excuses would not go away. I got my oldest off to her friend's house and realized..."I am absolutely alone...no one is home...no one is coming home until Dale gets off work." I thought about going to see a movie (It's $1.75 Tuesdays at the Danbarry!), but knew I needed to just go spend some time with God. For once, I let Him help me deal with a situation head-on instead of avoiding it for a few days with movies, books and other distractions. So He and I sat down for a chat.
I began by reading through the introduction to Jesus Calling again. It gives me so much confidence and boldness to read how someone else just yearns to hear Him speak...and that He will actually speak when we just sit quietly long enough to listen. Today's devotional was based on three passages in Psalms- 32:8; 119:35; and 143:8 All of these speak of letting God instruct me, teach me, show me where to walk and how to walk in His commandments...His ways. The author made a point to say that we can make a lot of plans...but "all that planning ties you up in knots and distracts you from (Jesus)." Good point...and one that He's been teaching me lately as He challenges me to just live day by day. That way I can be interrupted without resentment, I can hear Him when He's calling me to make a change to my day or serve someone with a need.
It was a blessing to have Him reiterating this to me this afternoon. As I kept attempting to seek Him, particularly about this job situation, He was just saying, "Relax, and let me teach you." In her introduction, Sarah Young said she makes a practice of just sitting with a notebook and pen as she waits to hear Him speak. I guess meditation would be the ancient discipline that would best describe this. So I tried to meditate on some passages, conversations, assurances God had given me over the last month and here's what I sensed Holy Spirit "speaking" to my heart.
He had never asked me to go apply for this job to begin with...that was all me. He never told me to keep pursuing it through orientations, follow up calls, etc...in fact, not once has He given me an assurance that this was His choice for me. And last Monday night, He actually had me sent home in an attempt to shut the door.
As I asked Him, "But is all of this just my thoughts, my desires, my wants or are You telling me not to go back." He assured me that every morning as I surrender my will to His...giving Him complete control over my body, my mind and my will...I can begin to trust that my thoughts are His thoughts. He also reminded me of what I've learned in Living Beyond Yourself, that living under the control of the Holy Spirit will increase my discernment, perception and insight. He also said, "Remember what I'm calling you to...a ministry...serving others...living your life sacrificially so that others can know Me. You are not leaving this job so you can watch TV, play computer games and waste your time. You are not being selfish. You are doing what I have called you to do."
He brought to mind a Scripture another friend e-mailed to me: "Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (Hebrews 4:16) But in that moment I couldn't find it. [I was looking in 14:6...guess what, there's no chapter 14 in Hebrews!] I wanted to read this Scripture so badly...I felt compelled to find it...but I couldn't. As I desperately searched through Hebrews though, two different ones caught my eye.
"And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him." (Hebrews 11:6) Ahh...there's that word seek again. And is it possible that my doubts about feeling faithless are well-founded? By seeking a job instead of Him first, am I lacking the faith to dive into the ministry to which I believe God is calling us? Or again, is this just all my random thinking and avoidance of work?
Look what I saw next..."Let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water." (Hebrews 10:22)
I can't explain the peace I felt when reading this. I didn't need to find 4:16...He needed to show me 10:22. "Don't doubt your motives, He said, you are surrendering your will to Mine...yes, it can come back up during the day...but you are getting better at letting Me help you recognize it. You are not perfect...but you are not diving into a ministry and walking away from this job so you can be selfish. See...you can have full assurance of faith that your heart has been sprinkled clean from an evil conscience."
I'd already told Him I would let the job go and trust Him to provide completely for us. As long as I am obedient to Him, I cannot fail in His eyes...right? And ultimately...He's the only One I need to please. Now, with that load off my mind, I asked Him what to I do next? How do I let You order my day (a reference back to Jesus Calling)? He immediately led my thoughts to 3-4 steps I can take in this next week (with no kids at home) that will take us a few steps further down the road with Boundless Ministries.
I know I'll doubt again. I know I'll question my motives. I know I'll want Him to speak and be frustrated that He's not speaking loudly enough or quickly enough. But I also know that as these stepping stones of His faithfulness keep piling up, I can trust Him more. As I trust Him more, I obey Him more quickly. As I obey Him repeatedly, He trusts me with more of Him. Isn't that what I've said I wanted all along?
I've thought a lot lately about Daniel, Moses, Abraham and some of the prophets and what never ceases to amaze me is that many times...and I mean many...when faced with a crisis, a deadline, or in some cases a call to instant action...they didn't have time to "pray about it". I've heard this and used this phrase so many times in my life. But what if...and it's a big if...I could be so lost to myself and so full of Him...my every thought a pray of communion to the Almighty...that in a moment such as these men faced I could know what God would have me say or do and confidently do it. That's an amazing life! That's the kind of life in which the Holy Spirit will do amazing things! That's a life that is Boundless!
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