In a nutshell, He's teaching me to ask Him for specific things He lays on my heart. That's the gist of it, but the ramifications are huge. It's like cracking open a grain of sand and discovering there was a whole universe inside it that you never knew existed! Ever seen or read the story Horton Hears a Who? Something along those lines.
I'm not even sure I can get my finite brain to wrap around this concept let alone truly appreciate just where it could lead. For now, as I'm working through this, I'm trying to just delight in a God that knows what I need even better than I do and tells me to go ahead and ask Him for it.
God even tells us in Romans that because we don't know how to pray, He's got us covered. "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." (Romans 8:26)
Two very specific situations have happened this summer and quite frankly, my head is spinning a little bit. One, I've already shared on here about how He told me to ask Him for a mini-vacation. (Why Is God So Good to Us? ) And now for about 1 1/2-2 weeks, this number has been rolling around in my head. Every time I would be praying about how to get Boundless Ministries up and running and what the next steps are, this dollar amount always comes to mind. But I've kept thinking "It's just my thought", "I'm dreaming too big", or "I'm sure I'm just expecting too much too fast", on and on ad nauseum!
Then last night in the middle of this crushing blow about starting a job that I thought could help provide some money to start God's work through Boundless Ministries, I told Dale about this number. I said, "Do I sound absurd? Doesn't it sound just 'out there' to be thinking this way?" He smiled and said, 'Funny, for the last several weeks I've been thinking where can we get ____? And it's always that number- _____.'
Odd, huh? Maybe not so much.
After feeling like the ground had dropped out from under me last night (see I Don't Even Know What to Think Anymore! ) I was determined to beseech Almighty God for some answers about whether to continue to pursue a position with SMX or not, about how He will provide for us or to show us how to do it and about how to help a mom that we know that has some needs right now. Did I get any answers? Not really. What I did get was this number coming to me over and over again. It's not like I'm seeing lotto numbers, so don't get any fancy ideas.
What finally happened? I conceded and said, 'Okay God...I'm asking for____________. And I know You will provide it, because You have told me to ask You.' I'm not sure I can describe the immediate sensation of peace that completely washed over me. It was amazing! I finished praying and went straight to my room and wrote down the date and the request on the same paper where I documented the mini-vacation request.
Next I went through all of the Scripture truths He's given me over the last few weeks and I praised Him for doing a mighty work and blessing me with the opportunity to go through all of this for His Name and His Glory. Do I have a timeline for when He'll make this happen? Absolutely not! But I do not doubt that it will be exactly when He wants it to happen.
This morning, as I continued to process through all of the above and sought to empty myself of my will and surrender to the will of God, I felt like Holy Spirit was giving me this lesson: "As you are drawing closer to Me, Angela, you can trust that I will lay a desire on your heart and you can pray for it with confidence that I will provide it. You can trust this! I know it's new to you, but just believe that these thoughts, dreams, desires come from Me. Satan will not plant an idea in your mind that will only produce good, so don't second guess it...it is from Me...so delight in it, ask it and receive it!"
Then my Bible study lesson for the day was about Abiding Joy. And here's the perfectly timed lesson for the day found in John 15:1-17 This is chock full of precious lessons, but here's the one for me for today, verse 3: "You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you." (NASB)
Got it! I am already clean...the enemy is not the one giving me these words of desire that bring about good. They are from You and You alone.
Verse 7-8: "If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples." (NASB)
Really? As I cling to you (Beth Moore says like cling wrap...I like that visual!) and I dwell on Your promises, Your Scripture, Your Word (yes, Jesus is THE Word!) throughout my day, I can trust that my wishes are from You...so I can automatically expect it to happen? Wow! I am humbled! And I don't need to second guess that my motivation is selfish. If it's something that will glorify Him and bear fruit in my life and prove that I am one of His disciples, then ask away!
Verse 10: "If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love." (NASB)
How do I live in peace knowing that the desires laid on my heart are from Him? How do I rest in the knowledge that I am not asking for anything outside of His perfect, sovereign will for me? Keep His commands.
Ahhh! Sweet peace! He is good isn't He?
Then if all this weren't enough, I had a sweet friend send me an e-mail saying Holy Spirit had laid upon her heart a specific request for us that seems way out of this world to happen at this point. But I wept as I realized that's exactly why God gave it to her instead of me or Dale. We are so beaten down in our belief that He can improve our situation through Dale's job or by providing a new one, that we'd be afraid to even ask for that...so He led our friend to ask it of Him instead! Once again, Holy Spirit laid it on her heart, it could only bring good, glorify God and prove us to be His disciples...so ask away baby!
She even had Scripture confirmation in the asking. When writing in her journal this prayer request God gave her for us, the Scripture on the page just "happened" to be, "Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16
Discussing all of this with Dale, I sensed his trepidation about believing too quickly and risking hurt and disappointment again...so I tried to process through some of this with him. I remembered a friend several years ago telling me to "crawl under her umbrella of faith" when I didn't have any. I think that's what God's having us do with our friend's request for us. And then I said something Holy Spirit laid on my heart and I am clinging to it, "I know it sounds absurd. But the more absurd it is, the less we can take credit for it. He can do the absurd. And I just believe that He's going to do something that will blow our socks off." I even had a visual of when Mythbusters has tried to prove that you can have your socks blown off and envisioned the day when our photographer daughter can take a picture of me laying on the ground with some socks by my feet with the caption, "He blew my socks off!"
But Dale just laughed! Instantly, I thought of how recently the kids and I read about how both Abraham and Sarah at different times in the journey just laughed out loud at the thought of having a child in their old age. [Beseeched God very quickly that He would not give us another child! Hah! That would be absurd wouldn't it?!] But there is something about God doing the absurd that just makes us giddy with joy.
And there it is...abiding joy. Cling to Him, obey His commands, trust that His desires become our desires, ask for those desires confidently and quickly and stand back and laugh with joy as He performs what only He can...the absurd!
Okay, the grain of sand is definitely cracked open and there is a whole blessed universe inside!
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