Treasure the Past

Today, which is Mother's Day in the U.S., our pastor used Luke 2:19 as the basis for his sermon:
"But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart."

What better example of motherhood can we study than the one who was honored with raising the Savior of the world? Pastor Marksberry had a lot of good points, but the one that spoke to me the most was something the Holy Spirit has been whispering too.

Treasure the past.

Over and over again, I read the posts of this blog to remind myself of what God has done in the recent past...His faithfulness, His love, His provision and even His discipline. As much as I like to share what is happening in my life with others, first and foremost this blog is for me. I started it when I was "bubbling over" at the "memory of His abundant goodness." (Psalm 145:7) I just couldn't hold it all in anymore. Writing that much by hand in a journal was causing hand cramps (no joke!) and most of the people I knew at the time didn't want to sit with me long enough to listen to what was happening inside of me. I was thankful for the few that would listen, but there was just too much to share. Instead, I chose to start this online journal and just let the words be sent "out there" into the world of the internet. If anyone read them, much less was blessed by what I was writing...that was just a huge bonus.

While I was listening to today's sermon, I felt like it was my turn to encourage you...the potential reader of this...to start your own version of documenting all that God does in your life. I know some that share through Facebook or Twitter. Others keep their own personal journals. You could even write in the margins of your Bible or devotional book a date and a note pertaining to specific Scriptures and how God used them to speak into your life through comfort, encouragement, grace or wisdom. Truly, in our media-rich world...the possibilities are endless. Mary had to be content with storing them up in her heart. She may have not even been able to write for all we know.

Now, it's your turn...it is time to do your part and it's okay if you don't make them public. But whether we want to admit our limited mortality or not, there will be a day when we will shuffle off this imperfect shell. What a blessing to leave behind for those that follow after you all of the lessons, passion, and gifts God gave you. Can you think of a better "legacy" to leave?

Miry Clay

Every time I read the following verse, I hear in my head an old hymn we used to sing in the Nazarene church:

"He brought me out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay,
And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm." (Psalm 40:2)

If you didn't hear the tune in your head, that's okay...that's not the point of this post. Here's what hit me yesterday, given my recent distress over how Christians treat each other (See "I Choose Joy..."):

We've ALL come out of the same filthy, miry clay!

An alternate translation in my New American Standard Bible is "mud of the mire". If you're like most people, you haven't enjoyed playing in mud since you were five. The problem with that is that it seems to me we're forgetting exactly where we all were lifted out of.

Now, admittedly, some of us barely had our toes covered and some of us were sinking in up to our eyeballs and going down after the last breath when He grabbed us out of it. But in my limited, finite brain, I don't think it matters how far you were buried in the filth and slop...the point is, you had the opportunity to get just as dirty as the rest of us.

James says that if we're not doers of the word, we're just like the man that looks at himself in the mirror, goes away, and then immediately forgets who he was. (see James 1:23-25) Now that I've spent more time in God's Kingdom than out of it, I confess...it often feels like someone else lived that life so long ago.

Satan used to try to trip my up with guilt over my past and when I started thanking God instead for where He'd brought me from, the guilt and memories no longer had any power over me. I even prayed, "Never let me forget where I have come from!" 

It does get more difficult over time to remember how deep in the muddy mire I was stuck and it's far too easy to snap to judgment when others are still stuck in it. So here's what I did yesterday...I made a little mud just off my patio...stuck my foot in it...and took the photo above. I pray God's Spirit uses this to remind me that this side of Heaven, I'm never really going to escape the filth. Yes, I stand before Him a new creation and He doesn't hold my sins (past, present or future) against me any more! But I won't be perfect until I see Him face-to-face. And when I'm tempted to lose patience with, harshly judge or condemn and criticize others...I need to remember my dirty feet.

My dirty feet are the only ones I'm supposed to be looking at. Instead of judging others, but remembering that if it were not for Him...the One who cleanses me with His own blood...I would be going down for the last time too...and that He sets me on the solid rock of His Love...what does that do? King David expressed it best:

"He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God." (Psalm 40:3)

Lord, words cannot express my thankfulness for You picking me up out of the mud, muck and mire and setting me on the solid rock of Your Love. May my praise and love for You be always on my tongue and my heart be overflowing with gratitude. Help me focus on my mud alone. I don't need to start flinging anyone else's mud at them...I have enough of my own.

He

Today in Psalm 102:27, I read:

"But You are the same,
And Your years will not come to an end." (NASB)

In this version the phrase "the same" had an alternate translation. It was just one word..."He".

Read that and soak it in. "But You are He." Isn't it awesomely awesome to serve a God that needs no description? He's just "He".

There was no beginning, there will be no end. Everything that we understand "He" to mean and more than we can ever imagine...all of that and, believe it or not, even more is what "He" embodies. Our finite human brains can't even completely process all that this little two-letter word encompasses. Such a small word...but an adventure of a lifetime discovering the depth, the length and the breadth of all that "He" is.

And one day...praise His Name...we will understand what it meant for Him to be "He". When we stand before Him...complete...and even naked and unashamed (at least emotionally and spiritually)..."He" will embody absolutely everything we need and more.

So here's the question: Why wait until then to plum the depths of who "He" is? 

Where Do I Want to Dwell?

A few days ago, I read a Bible reference in Jesus Calling that I've been chewing on ever since. I've wanted to blog about it, but have avoided putting into words what I'm feeling, because I've allowed my enemy to tell my I'm being hypocritical to post something spiritual when it's been quite awhile since I've felt spiritual at all.

I'm in a funk.

I've eluded to this. I've even blogged a little about trying to let go of some worries, etc. But I keep coming back to a few places in my life where I'm continuing to struggle...to have faith to be honest. I have great desires...great passions...great dreams of doing great things for God...but the reality is that we often don't even have enough money for ourselves, so God hasn't been impressing upon us the opportunities to give. I miss giving. I actually yearn to do it. Every time I ask Him though, there is either a firm "No" or a pulling back (for lack of a better phrase)...a "wait until I give you the go ahead" sort of message.

So instead, we've been giving our time. We've been volunteering at Master Provisions, hosted some families and friends for swimming, continued to serve at Henry Hosea House and even sorted through clothes and tried to pare down what we have and give our abundance away to LifeLine Ministries. But then there's another side to serving: we'd hoped to serve as a family at a low income neighborhood...filled with single moms and their families...we only have one working car though and they meet within minutes of Dale's work shift ending. Unfortunately, it's not worked out for us to get there except for the first week. So sometimes even when the desire is there to give of our time (and something we wanted to do together as a family), poverty blocks us from the ability to do it.

And I know I'm whining...I own it. And I know God has the resources (a.k.a. money) to fulfill every desire He has laid upon my heart...but for some reason He's choosing to not send it this way. I know He will do it in His timing. Can I just say once more that I hate waiting?! I mean...what American doesn't? But I've been walking with Him long enough to know there is a reason for the wait...and one day, He will satisfy the desires of my heart. (Psalm 37:4)

Also, I've continued reading Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger by Ronald J. Sider and I am being greatly challenged, yet again to set aside my American wants because there are just too many in this world going without. But then I read the statistics and I see the percentages and he discusses the unequal distribution of wealth and my enemy starts coaxing me into a pity party..."After all, I am one of the impoverished he's writing about." While I don't want to wallow, I must admit I'm struggling to maintain a desire to give when there's nothing to give. Even now in this moment as I write, God's faithful Spirit is reminding me that when He does give us a blessing (whether it's financial, spiritual, physical or even time) and we share it from out of our poverty...then only He gets the credit. I can honestly say, the remembrance of times such as those does make me long to give again!

Back to the verse referred to in Jesus Calling that has begun to bring me some peace:

"May the beloved of the LORD dwell in security by Him,
Who shields him all the day;
And he dwells between His shoulders." (Deuteronomy 33:12)

In my Bible, there was an amazing cross reference:

"Like an eagle that stirs up its nest,
That hovers over its young,
He spread His wings and caught them,
He carried them on His pinions." (Deuteronomy 32:11)

Isn't that an amazing word picture? When the young aren't strong enough to fly on their own, He spreads His wings...catches them...and carries them on His pinions. Pinions are the outermost part of a bird's wings. The distal or terminal segment for you medical/science type people.

But there was one more cross reference that I found interesting:

"You shall put the two stones on the shoulder pieces of the ephod, as stones of memorial for the sons of Israel, and Aaron shall bear their names before the LORD on his two shoulders for a memorial." (Exodus 28:12)

This verse refers to Aaron, the high priest, brother of Moses. He was the one who stood before God and offered sacrifices for the sins of the people. I know this isn't Biblical, but if I let my imagination go for a minute, I can almost picture God saying, "You know what...that sin...yeah...I'm not going to let it slide...I am sick of the same thing...day after day...year after year (catches sight of Aaron pacing before the altar and sees the names of the 12 sons of Jacob engraved on the shoulders of Aaron's priestly garments)...but (deep breath) I remember the promise I made...to make you My people...to love you...and sometimes even carry you on My shoulders if I that's what it takes."



So yeah, I'm in a bit of a funk because things aren't happening the way I'd wanted or in the timing I'd hoped...but I know it will pass and I know His blessings and the growth that will happen in the waiting will have been worth it all. In the mean time, I think I'm going to climb up and dwell right where He wants me...

And the Theme Continues...

This post could also be entitled, "You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up!" 

Yesterday, as I spent the day processing what God's Spirit was teaching me about depending upon His abundance as I focus on Becoming Heaven-Minded and all of the implications for what this shift in thinking means, I asked Him to lead me to a verse on my bathroom mirror that would be just what I needed. The first one my eyes landed on was a verse I don't even remember placing there. I don't remember the context of why I did it, but I now believe it must have been taped there many months ago for the single purpose of my seeing it yesterday.

"I will saturate the soul of the priests with abundance,

And My people will be satisfied with My goodness," declares the LORD."

(Jeremiah 31:14)

Through teary eyes, I read it again...amazed at exactly what God's Spirit is teaching me...but still too overwhelmed by it all to really process the depth of His meaning. What I gleaned in the moment though was another step in the direction of where He's leading..."Angela, all Christians are My priests to a lost and dying world. You have the desire to fulfill this God-given role. Believe that I will saturate your soul with not just enough...but an abundance to do it!"

Okay...I believe...God, forgive my unbelief! (Mark 9:24)

As I headed to my time alone with God this morning, I offered up this prayer: God, I need you to teach me specifically what You're trying to show me. I cannot get my brain around it...it's just too huge. It feels like You're showing me something I can't comprehend so I need you to show me.

Then I picked up Jesus Calling, and this is why I say above, "you just can't make this stuff up!"

"I, the Creator of the universe, am with you and for you. What more could you need?"

"I offer abundant Life; your part is to trust Me, refusing to worry about anything."

"Your thoughts close in on the problem like ravenous wolves. Determined to make things go your way, you forget that I am in charge of your life."  (the problem being not enough money to do all that I am passionate about doing for Him)

And finally the one that simply pierced me right through my soul:

"Stop all your striving, and watch to see what I will do. I am the Lord!"

Again, too overwhelmed to wrap my brain around what He was showing me, I wrote in my journal:

"Still processing. How do I live knowing You'll provide, moving forward expecting it to be there and expectantly anticipating that You'll come through?

How do You want us to move forward with Boundless Ministries? How do You want to lead? Where do You want us to go? Whom do You want us to serve?"

And I read again from Esther my cue card for the dilemma "It's tough being a women who feels responsible for the "how"!  Beth Moore's scripture reference to combat this is found in Psalm 103:14.

"For He Himself knows our frame;

He is mindful that we are but dust."

He knows I'm "but dust". He knows I can't figure out how we're going to financially do all that we want to do for Him...and that's okay...because He does!

Then I felt the Spirit's leading to write down just exactly what it is that I want to do...just for clarity...it helps me to process my thoughts. And as I asked Him to search my heart, of the five things that came out on paper...not one of them has anything in it for me other than I'd love to travel serving Him, meeting new people, sharing His Love with them. So yes, the travel is a benefit I would enjoy.

After pouring this out on paper and looking back over it with the Holy Spirit, I turned to the two scripture references for the day in Jesus Calling. The devotional had already spoken volumes, but with great anticipation and recognizing that a Romans 8 reference has to be jam-packed with goodness, I hurriedly turned to verses 31 and 32 expecting wonderful things...I was not disappointed.

Having just completed the Top Five list of my heart's desire, this is what I read:

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?" (Romans 8:31-32, NASB)

My translation- 'Here's your list, Angela...so what can you say about those things? Your heart's desire is to do My will...you know I'm for that...so who can be against it? I didn't spare my Son for you...can you allow yourself to believe that I will freely give you all of these things? Believe it!'

With a grateful heart and teary eyes, I could finally begin to allow myself to drink in the saturating promise of thirsting no more for resources...it's already there...I just need to ask.

But wait...there was a second verse:

"But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the LORD;

I will wait for the God of my salvation.

My God will hear me." (Micah 7:7)

Do I ever need to wonder again if He'll provide the resources for my passion for serving Him? If I do, you have my permission to call me a faithless twit!

I don't think He could have spelled it out more plainly, but just so I would "get it", He spoke one more word to my heart. As I brushed my teeth and glanced in my mirror at the Jeremiah 31:14 scripture again, I heard Him lovingly say, "It's not about money, Angela. It was never about money. I have the money...the question is...do you have the faith?"

Amen!


Mentioned in this post:

A Quandry

As I've been praying and seeking God's wisdom regarding finances, possible future employment and some ministry opportunities coming up for our kids, I found myself frustrated over and over again with trying to figure it all out. Yes...I still haven't managed to relinquish my ability to plan and strategize my way out of anything.

A friend and I were even laughing about our common planning capabilities on Tuesday morning. But then she mentioned a Jesus Calling entry she'd recently read. The conviction that planning for every possibility can be an idol is something I honestly don't like to hear. I have shared on this blog before though that God has been leading me for some time to give up this "gift" that comes so naturally.

While copying down some verses in my Beth Moore study of Esther yesterday, I was comforted to be reminded that I don't have to figure out the "how".  You see, I'd forgotten already what I'd learned in Esther: "It's tough being a woman who feels responsible for the "how"

Moore shared scriptures that I wrote on some index cards when faced with the insurmountable task of figuring out the "how". The one applicable for me today is this: "For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust." (Psalm 103:14) He knows my frame. He knows how I feel completely "in the zone" when I'm home being a wife and mom, when I'm able to give full attention to homeschooling, when I'm able to have time to serve in ministry. (see First Day After Taxes)

Not only this, but He knows my passion to serve Him and my desire to afford our children and our entire family the opportunities to minister in the name of Jesus in our city, our state and our world. Amazingly enough, He also knows that this costs money...and nobody knows our utter dependence on Him for provision better than He.

Where would the money come from when anyone in our family wants to participate in a missions trip, leadership conference or even just having the gas to serve someone locally? Good question, right? I know we can solicit support from friends and family...but honestly...as much as we hunger to serve...we may wear out our welcome quickly. Some may begin to dread mail or calls from us...and that's not what we want. We're not afraid to solicit on behalf of the kids or for occasional trips, but what God is calling us to is so much bigger and we've got to start raising funds somewhere.

So there's been this idea bouncing around in my noggin for about a week or so. I even shared it with my friend Tuesday morning and my sister-in-law yesterday. They both thought it was a good idea and not that I need their approval, but sometimes confirmation that you're on the right path is nice to have.

Back to the "how"...God knows "how" I'm wired and He's given me certain gifts that I love to share with others. I'm excited He's putting this all together. Here's what we're going to do (drum roll please!):

I'd like to officially introduce Blessings from Baking!

This new blog will showcase the cookies, pies, cakes, breads and candies that we are selling in order to raise money for ministry. 100% of the profits will go toward ministry. 10% of that amount will be shared with Boundless Ministries which goes directly to serving single moms and their families. The other 90% will go toward mission trips, leadership conferences and ministry opportunities for anyone in our family. All of this fits perfectly within our goal of "Writing a Better Story!" I just said to my friend Tuesday that any time we are serving the deeply impoverished, either through a work day, Single Moms' Night Out, at the Henry Hosea house, sending our kids on a missions trip here or abroad, sponsoring a child through World Vision, serving at LifeLine ministries or Master Provisions, etc...we are falling within the boundaries of our desire to serve single moms. If you're serving the poor...you're mostly serving single moms.

So check out the new blog. I'll obviously post regular updates to it on here as well. It's brand new, so it will take some time to build our "offerings". My prayer is that when you venture that way, you'll notice the background. (I can't believe blogger offered an African slum as a background photo!)Divinely placed there for just this use, I hope it's a reminder to those who'd like to order to what purpose their purchases will contribute. It's a reminder to me of the calling to where God is leading and if baking is how we're going to get there...then Hallelujah! and Amen!

*****************************************************************************

End note- This new adventure will in no way distract us from our service through Boundless Ministries.  We will still accept donations as God provides them, but those donations are specifically earmarked for single moms. Monies earned through Blessings from Baking will be utilized as described above.

A Sodden Mush

In Eugene Peterson's chapter entitled "The Last Word on Witness" in the book Reversed Thunder, I read the following:
"If ordinary, daily Christian conversation is not to congeal into a sodden mush of platitude and cliche', it needs to be in touch with the rich, vibrant reality of the supernatural, the invisible vitalities of God who, Psalm 18 tells us, "rode on a cherub."

I don't want a "sodden mush"...do you? Aren't you tired of all the banalities? Doesn't your soul long to talk about more than the latest book, movie or celebrity gossip? Don't you thirst to talk about things that matter?

I do...and odds are, so do you.

If you really analyze most of our media...whether texting, Facebook, Twitter, print, internet or television...isn't most of it a "sodden mush". Believe me, I am just as guilty as anyone else! And so much of this carries over into the majority of our conversations...even among Christians. My conversation so easily degenerates into things that don't matter...who said what, who did what, what I did, what I said or where any one of us went. Don't believe me? Just take a few minutes to run through your Facebook homepage and ask God for His perspective about what really matters. See what I mean?

So why, if we call ourselves Jesus followers, do we not talk of the things that matter...which of course, are the things of God? My experience has been that a lot of us just don't want to hear it. I've even been told I used Holy Spirit or God too much in my conversation. Hmmmm? Interesting isn't it.

But thankfully, the Holy Spirit (sorry...gotta give credit where it is due!) has brought a few ladies into my life that do love to discuss the things of God. These ladies love Him first and foremost and it is not only evident in their speech...but also in their lives!

Sure, we talk about healthy eating, our kids, our home school curriculum, our churches, our needs, our fears and our doubts...but lurking (for lack of a better word) always in the background or mentioned right out in the open is the reference and deference to the God who gave us all, loves us most, knows us best and longs to draw us closer. What an amazing gift I have a few times a month to sit down and chat with these ladies! And there are a few that don't have the time to sit down with me regularly...that's okay too. I seek out the opportunity to chat with them at home school co-op or other places, even if it's only for a few minutes.

I realized yesterday just how quickly my own conversation degenerates away from the things of God yesterday. I was tired, it had been a rough morning in the nursery at co-op and someone was annoying me. I said something judgmental to someone sitting next to me and Holy Spirit brought me up short. I spoke up to the person I'd made the comment to and said something like, "It really is none of my business is it? It really has nothing to do with me?" Thankfully, she was honest and said, "You're right, it's not." Right there in that moment, God wasn't even mentioned and she affirmed to my heart the things of God that matter.

And overall, Peterson's point is that witness is simple "truth telling". But it's a Truth that unfortunately the world doesn't want to hear. "The witness may be a hero to Christians, but in the world the witness is solitary, suspect, ignored, and occasionally abused." Peterson's observations sometimes extend to inside the church as well.

I make no claims of being a bold witness and my mostly good-natured intentions have sometimes been misconstrued as being pretentious instead. There have been many miscommunications on my part and misunderstandings on the behalf of others. There have also been times when I thought no one but God could possibly understand my heart. I've survived the storms that have come and as only He can do He has helped me even thrive. So on this day...in this season of my life, I'm ever so thankful for the five ladies with whom He has intersected my path. Our conversations may sometimes be sporadic as we play hit or miss with our schedules, but when we do have opportunity to share, the conversations are 'rich, vibrant, real' and full of the "invisible vitalities of God".

Amen!

Feeding Time

Today's devotional in Jesus Calling, was good as it always is, but it wasn't anything that just "wow-ed" me...and then I read the Scripture verses.

"Therefore He is able also to save forever those who draw near to God through Him, since He always lives to make intercession for them." Hebrews 7:25

That one is great all by itself. But then in God's perfect timing, I read Psalm 37:3-4.

Trust in the LORD and do good;
Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the LORD;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.
 
These verses were an awesome reminder at how God has transformed my heart to desire the things that matter to Him. Of course He'll give me the desires of my heart because as I delight in Him, I draw closer to Him and the things that make Him joyful...make me joyful. Conversely, the things that break His heart...break mine. This has been a wonderful promise to me so many times over the last few years.
 
But I was at the computer when I looked up these two verses and rather than pull out my Bible and look them up, I searched Biblegateway.com as I sometimes do and this is where He "zapped" me. I say zapped because sometimes His Word just comes through like a nice little jab of lightning or a least a little electrical shock. This was one of those times.
 
It's an innocuous enough word...it doesn't seem that intrusive...but sometimes it's just one word...and this was it...cultivate. He tells us to "Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness."
 
He taught me several months ago that His faithfulness means His really, real reality. This world that we live in is often just "smoke and mirrors" put in place by our enemy, satan, who wants to distract us in any way he possibly can from becoming all that God created us to be. But God's faithfulness is His really, real reality and at the root of that really, real reality is an incomprehensible Love that knows no bounds. This faithfulness...the really, real reality will never change! Amen!
 
Today, though, I caught an alternate definition on Biblegateway.com for that little word "cultivate" and it said this: feed securely or feed on His faithfulness.
 
I know, maybe not much of a lightning bolt for you...but for someone who yet again is getting frustrated with her weight, eating habits, finding solace and comfort in food instead of God...this was just the shock that I needed prodding with for today.
 
What's He trying to say to me? Why do I consistently and persistently struggle with this area in my life? I know it's because I look to other things (in my case food) to satisfy my cravings for love, comfort, acceptance, peace, de-stressing, really...you could insert almost any emotion here. But God...today...wanted to remind me to feed on His faithfulness.
 
This is the most difficult, longest battle I have fought in my life. And I've fought it most of my life. Every fiber of my being is interwoven with the past, present and future of a life that has struggled with food. For those that want to reply that it's just a matter of self-discipline, determination, willpower, good food choices...etc...I say, "Good for you! But none of these have ever kept my weight off."
 
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt only standing full and complete and loved in His Presence will keep me satisfied for the long haul. After all...only He will completely fulfill the void of love, acceptance, comfort and every other emotion that I seek to fill with food.
 
Is this going to be easy? Absolutely not!
Is knowing that I should feed on God's faithfulness going to help me avoid every temptation from this point forward? Probably not!
Is feeding on God's faithfulness over time going to develop an intimacy with Him that will satisfy me in ways that food never can or will? Definitely yes!
 
I think that's a great place to start!
Amen!

Self-Pity

I'm going to attempt to do a little catching up on my blogging today and the next few days. It seems with working, there just aren't enough hours to do all I want. But mostly what I've wanted when I'm not working is just to sit and unwind. So I've opted to play computer games or catch up on Dr. Who episodes with my kids (related post coming soon!) instead of doing "kingdom work" like spending time with God or sharing what He's teaching me when I do get alone with Him.

I've continued to meet with Him every morning...it's just felt less focused. And I've shared on here previously how I've felt distant from Him and accept full blame for it. Yet, as He always is, He has remained faithful to speak to me through the cacophony with which I surround myself. He's been teaching me great lessons about selfishness; territorialism that I try to spiritualize and disguise as "boundaries" (essentially telling myself things are "mine" when they're not really); discernment vs. judging; how to disciple my kids instead of punishment/consequences; and, as always, more lessons about love...His for me and mine for others.

This is going to take more than a few posts to "unpack" (a current favorite word of hip pastors), so let's get started!

I've chosen to start with self-pity, because it grabbed my attention almost a week ago and God keeps bringing me back to it. I'm not afraid to admit I love a good wallow...not in a "oh, woe is me" sort of way, but rather in a "I'm shutting down today because I can not handle all that is expected of me so please leave me alone" display of self-pity. Unfortunately, those days have been quite frequent of late. Ugh!

But about four days ago, I read this in Jesus Calling:
"Be on guard against the pit of self-pity. When you are weary or unwell, this demonic trap is the greatest danger you face. Don't even go near the edge of the pit. Its edges crumble easily, and before you know it, you are on the way down. It is ever so much harder to get out of the pit than to keep a safe distance from it. That is why I tell you to be on guard." (further suggested reading Psalm 89:15 and Hebrews 12:1-2)

It goes on to describe how to be on guard...by praising and thanking God for everything...constantly and without ceasing. I know, I know...easier said than done. And we all have something in our lives for which to be thankful seems absolutely ludicrous. But, I have yet to ever experience the true Love of God or anything of His kingdom that just "makes sense" according to our human standard of measuring it.

Also, as I've reread this passage every day since I first read it, God has lovingly and gently reminded me that it hasn't just been my lack of praise and thankfulness that was causing my spiral into a pit of self-pity. No, the first place I went wrong was to allow myself to be deceived into believing that this life is actually mine.

You see, I was bought with a very expensive price...the life and blood of Jesus the Messiah who was in fact, God in human flesh. And as I'll expound upon in future posts, when I am dead to self and alive in Jesus, the Christ (Messiah), and He alone is living in me and through me, then nothing...absolutely nothing is mine.

How does this manifest itself in my life?

• Well, if someone is stirring up some trouble and wants to twist my words to sully my name...it just doesn't matter, because it's not my name to begin with. Yes, I need to be on guard about what I share with this person...a line has to be drawn, but only my reaction and actions henceforward will prove that I am God's and He is mine.
• If called upon to discern the best course of action to help someone, I need not rely upon my judgements, but rather allow God's Spirit to lead me on how to best serve in any given situation.
• When giving advice to my kids or attempting to diffuse a volatile situation between them, I should quit worrying about how they're infringing on my time and my peace, but rather see these as opportunities for growth, discipling (I like that word better than disciplining because of the cultural connotations of punishment.), setting aside my desire to be left alone to refuel and working on building them up instead.
• When our home is a mess, the laundry and dishes are overflowing, I have no time to do quality grocery shopping and my expectations are not being met for what I consider to be healthy, harmonious, organic or "green" living...I should instead be thankful we have a home, clothing, food to put on the dishes and the ability to have abundance when so many in our world don't.

Yes, this is very humbling to admit just how selfish I am. But if I can't "name it and claim it" then how can I ever let God fix it? Ultimately, that's the most important part of the process to me. So while I may be exposing myself to derision for being honest about my flaws...who cares? It's not my life anyway! I thank and praise God for that. Amen!

Bowed Down

So apparently, I wasn't prepared for the emotional toll working at a new office would take on me when I began this tax season. The last two years I have encountered the occasional hard-luck or tumultuous life story...but this year is different...and that's putting it mildly!

I know that every person has a story...but this year almost every person wants to share their story. It's inevitable I guess. When you ask about dependents, who gets to claim which child and you're documenting head of household status...the stories just seem to gush out them. And I have to confess all of that gushing is washing all over my soul.

It sounds a bit melodramatic, I know...but it's taken me a few weeks to figure out the reason why I felt so depleted and empty every night after coming home. It's not exactly a job that requires physical exertion. And the mental (mathematical) exertion is mostly limited to data entry. But then there is the human factor and that's where the "messiness" comes in.

What I've realized is that I'm truly not judging them...okay, with the exception of the men that are there with single moms wanting the woman's tax refund NOW and angry because she's not getting back as much as prior years. That gets my blood boiling a little I have to admit!

But instead of judging...I've realized I'm grieving. All day long I hear story after story of the mess they've made of their lives and to some degree, it was taking it's toll on me emotionally and even physically.

I am thankful for a loving God though that gently awakened me to what was taking place and says, "Angela, don't take on their sadness...their brokenness. No...just love them." Then last week, three times, He intersected my reading with the following verse:

"Why are you bowed down, O my soul?
And why are you clamorous within me?
Expect God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence." (Psalm 42:5)

This is a verse I have taped to my bathroom mirror, but it had been many, many weeks since I'd read it. After a family we know went from the heights of joy to the depths of grief within two days time last week, I began praying this verse for them. My prayer was for them to "expect God" and for His Presence to be real.

And now I've begun praying this for myself too. My soul need not be 'bowed down and clamorous within me' when I hear the devastation that so many families deal with regularly. Instead, I want to expect God to help me and them with His glorious Presence...even if it means that in order to feel and know His Presence they have to sit down to do their taxes.

Taking His Hand Through the "Rough Patch"

Tax season is tough on our family. The kids, having mom home almost all the time, are suddenly left alone to fend for themselves more than usual. They've been trained to be pretty independent, but still, it's quite an adjustment. Dale has stepped up to be homeschool teacher two days a week and that's been a tremendous help. I even told Leah recently that he's a better mommy than I am because he gets school done and the dishes, laundry, dinner and more!

I've not been depressed or frustrated (for the most part) just overwhelmingly busy. And overwhelmed is not a good place for me to be. When I'm overwhelmed, I have a tendency to shut down. I can't shut down at work, so home is usually the place where that happens.

Then yesterday, once again in God's perfect timing, I read in Psalm 73:23-24 this amazing promise:

"Nevertheless I am continually with You;
You have taken hold of my right hand.
With your counsel You will guide me,
And afterward receive me with honor."

I took some time to imaginitively pray through these verses and envision myself taking His Hand. I even pictured it, I think as led by His Spirit, to see His Hand as the big "Daddy's" hand as I placed my tiny little child-like hand in His.

So for now, I don't have any big plans...no grand designs of where He's leading me. Shoot...I may not have enough time or energy to do much of anything. But wherever I'm headed...I know He has me by the hand!

"All We Need is..."

Love!

Right?

It's exactly what I've needed the last week or so...and it's exactly what my Abba has been pouring out on me! It may sound very melodramatic, but the feeling has been like water being poured out onto a dry and weary land. The odd thing is, I didn't even realize how parched I was.

For several weeks I've been thinking that I should pick up Repenting of Religion by Gregory Boyd and read it again. It's been at least five years since I read it. I remembered it being good at the time and speaking directly to many issues in our life...but I couldn't quite get my head around why I should pick it up again now.

Finally I did...and my soul has been drinking it in...gulping is probably the more appropriate word. From the first day, I wanted to blog about it but have been hesitant because I really don't think I can do justice to the book without copying large portions of it here and I really do want to honor copyright law. So bear with me as a share (possibly over the next several days) the lessons I'm learning or being reminded of...because they are too amazing to not share them!

I guess I could sum up the whole book with the Beatles song title that I quoted in the title of this blog...but honestly, that's a bit simplistic. God's Love is simple, but in our culture we have to be very specific to understand what this Love is not: It's not phileo (brotherly love), eros (sexual love/passion) or storge (affection for a thing). Rather it is agape, an unconditional, never-changing, all-consuming love that is only perfectly fulfilled by God in the life of Jesus the Messiah.

I John 4:8, 16 tell us that God is Love! That's where we begin...and what an awesome place to start! Boyd quotes Peter Kreeft: "Love is God's essence. Nowhere else does Scripture express God's essence in this way. Scripture says God is just and merciful, but it does not say that God is justice or mercy itself. It does say that God is love, not just a lover. Love is God's very essence. Everything else is a manifestation of this essence to us, a relationship between this essence and us. This is the absolute, everything else is relative to it." (Knowing the Truth About God's Love: The One Thing We Can't Live Without)

God's very essence...I like that. Better yet, I've experienced that...and it's great to be reminded of it! In fact, as I've read through these 50 or so pages, I've been reminded a lot of a former pastor we were blessed to have. Weekly he spoke of God's Love and how we are all "loved, accepted and forgiven" and to be honest, there were some people that didn't like to hear that so often. That makes them sound harsh or somehow bad...and that's not what I mean at all. I think they just got tripped up by arguments like Paul's in Romans 6:1 "Should we continue in sin in order that grace may abound?" And that couldn't be further from what was being taught in our church. Paul's reply is actually pretty strong, "By no means!" The Cottonpatch Gospel paraphrases with a very southern, "Hell no!" (Sorry if that offends...but for me, it perfectly fits!)

Boyd says, "Whenever the grace of God is preached uncompromisingly, we should expect people who have a fleshly mind to have this misunderstanding (Rom 8:6-7; I Cor 2:14). But it is a misunderstanding!" But I tell you what...every week when I left those services, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was loved...with an unsurpassable, unconditional, unfathomable Love like I would never experience apart from a relationship with my Abba. This was at a time in my life when I absolutely needed to know this...unequivocally...and I was blessed to have a pastor telling me (and hundreds of others) this message almost weekly. Not by coincidence, we came into possession of Boyd's book because he gave it to Dale.

All these years later, I'm at a different place emotionally, spiritually and even physically. Yet, God's love remains the same. But, there are parts of this book that I feel like I'm reading for the first time and I am soaking it up...I guess I'm at a place where I absolutely need to know the Love of God again...and I think I know why He's brought me back to this book at this time.

The message that has really impacted me, I don't even remember reading before. It's so deeply meaningful that I think I must have just missed it completely the first time. I'll do my best to put it into words...mostly Boyd's words though.

When Jesus died on the cross, He ascribed unsurpassable worth to me, to you, to everyone. And because He participates in the Triune relationship with God and the Holy Spirit, they too, ascribed unsurpassable worth to us. Since I have believed (put my trust with) Jesus, I am in Christ. Paul says, we no longer live, but Christ lives in us (Galatians 2:20). Because of this...I too participate in the Love of the Father, through Jesus.

Then here's what's been sinking in and I've been delighting in: As we allow this Love to transform our hearts, our minds and our very lives...we become confident of who we are in Christ. I am loved by the very God of the universe...so it doesn't matter what someone else may think of me. I become assured of my standing before God and it completely revolutionizes who I am...and how I love.

The subtitle to this book is "Turning from Judgment to the Love of God" and as we embrace His Love...open up every part of our lives to His perfect Love...we can't help but want to live out this Love with others. Jesus told us the two greatest commandments were to love God with all of our self and to love others as we love ourselves. As Boyd puts it, He was banking everything on Love. Because of this, we shouldn't be asking ourselves if we've conquered a particular sin in our life, if we have the best facility or programs or even if we're growing our churches exponentially...miracles don't even matter. The one "measuring rod", so to speak, that we can even consider using is "Are we growing in our capacity to love all people?"

So when you look at my life, if you're judging me by any other standard, you are not judging according to God's commandments. Simply ask, "Is she growing in her capacity to love all people?"

I'm still formulating this all in my mind...still chewing on it...asking God to put this all together for me to understand with His discernment, not my own, but the conviction that Chan, Platt, Stearns and others share in their books regarding saving the lost and dying world is valid...for the most part, we in the American church are not reaching out to those all over the world who have not even heard the name of Jesus let alone been helped to understand the healing power of His Love.

Is it too great of leap to say that it may be because we haven't opened up our own lives to the power of His Love? If I truly believe that God, through the life and death of Jesus Christ ascribed unsurpassable worth to my life and allows me to participate in His Love, why wouldn't I want to shout that out to the whole world?

There is a direct correlation to the increase in Love I have opened myself up to and how much more I'm noticing the need for Love in others. For months I've been saying it's God replacing my desires with His. Well at it's most basic, His desire is to Love all...so it should  be my desire too, right?

While I admire David Platt, Francis Chan and the many others that have been challenging me to get outside of my own egocentricity, I'm beginning to see that maybe we simply need to start with proclaiming God's Love. Once we grasp that...even while still in the process of grasping it...as we're filled to overflowing with this boundless Love of God...we won't be able to stop ourselves from proclaiming it to anyone who will listen.

Just in case I wasn't catching on to what He was trying to say, He brought me back to this passage in Psalm 119:29-32.

Remove the false way from me,
And graciously grant me Your law.
I have chosen the faithful way;
I have placed Your ordinances before me.
I cling to Your testimonies;
O LORD, do not put me to shame!
I shall run the way of Your commandments,
For You will enlarge my heart.

When the false love that this world offers is removed and I place His ordinances, before me and I choose His faithful (His really real reality) Way...running in His commandments to love Him with everything in me and to love everyone else as I love myself...what will He do? He will enlarge my heart.

That's why He brought me back to this book at this time. He wanted to remind me of His Love because there is a whole world out there that needs desperately to know it too! Amen!

Mentioned in this post:

Just in Case You Ever Wondered...

God's timing does work for others too!

I received an e-mail from a mom of 3 today explaining that she needs to find employment soon. She home schools and the desire of her heart is to continue to do so. She's open to any possibility, but something from home is definitely her preference. She asked me to help her pray about this.

Of course I was going to put it on our Prayer Request Page as soon as possible...but before I did that, I was given the privilege of letting her in on a little something fun! If you've actually clicked on the Prayer Request Page, you'll understand exactly what I mean.

Hmmm...the previous prayer request on that page is from a single expectant mom looking for affordable childcare. Funny how God works, isn't it?

Now, I don't know if the connection will work out for these two...only God can foresee that. But on this day, it truly was fun for me to be able to quickly reply back to my friend with a little hope that God may have answered her request before she ever even made it public. What could be more fun than that?!

And yes..."Just in Case You Ever Wondered..." this great Abba would like to do the same for you too! There is no magic formula and He's definitely not a giant slot machine in the sky (insert request...out pops the answer you want...NOT!). But He absolutely does delight in giving us the desires of our hearts.

Here's the little secret...if no one's ever told you this before...I am thrilled to be the first to tell you: When you seek Him, you will find Him when you seek Him with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:13) and when you delight yourself in Him, He will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4) But what you may never perceive happening...totally under the radar of your senses is that as you seek Him and delight yourself in Him...His desires become your desires...and why wouldn't He give you that?

Just something to chew on!

I Have a Confession...

I am a grumbler!

Now, to those of you that know me...this is no great revelation. But I am so thankful and grateful to a God who knows our flaws, reveals them to us and patiently waits for us to be confronted with His awesome Truth so we can get about the business of ridding our lives of these flaws that do not reflect Him.

Such was my morning today. Although I've known for years, if not decades, that this is one of my greatest flaws, I have often felt helpless to change this very deep-rooted issue. I mean it's so deep that it goes back three generations before me that I know of...possibly more. I've always known that being critical is one of my biggest hangups and that it can very easily manifest itself as depression, negativity, pessimism,  dissension, strife, gossip and anger. And while God has patiently and lovingly worked on each of these areas in my life, I became distinctly aware this morning just how pervasive my grumbling is. I even confessed to God that to cut this out of my life will be like losing a close relative. I know warped, right?

I kept thinking all of the nitpicking & fighting that my kids do has got to stop...and it does...but yesterday and today, I came face to face with how I am the root of this whole issue. My grumbling, my ranting, my negativity paints a picture for my family that they mold themselves into. And while I may be completely justified in most of my criticism, it makes everyone else in our family look through lenses of doubt, criticism and negativity...and that is not how God wants us to live.

So this was the revelation for today and why I believe Holy Spirit has brought me to the final crossroads on this issue. From this point forward, I cannot deny the Truth, I cannot pretend I do not know. No...today, I have to choose to walk in the Light of His Truth or stand in direct disobedience to Him (yes, sin!). And as I fervently prayed this morning, "Lord, I want to be a doer of the Word...not just a hearer. Give me a teachable spirit because I don't want to continue living this way."

In Jesus Calling, I read: "You have been on a long, uphill journey, and your energy is almost spent. Though you have faltered at times, you have not let go of My hand. I am pleased with your desire to stay close to Me. There is one thing, however, that displeases Me: your tendency to complain. You may talk to Me as much as you like about the difficulty of the path we are following. I understand better than anyone else the stresses and strains that have afflicted you. You can ventilate safely to Me, because talking with Me tempers your thoughts and helps you see things from My perspective.

Complaining to others is another matter altogether. It opens the door to deadly sins such as self-pity and rage. Whenever you are tempted to grumble, come to Me and talk it out. As you open up to Me, I will put My thoughts in your mind and My song in your heart." (I've underlined the portions that hit me square between the eyes.)

Yes...I do want to have His thoughts in my mind and His song in my heart! And I want my kids to quit grumbling...so it has to start with me, right? Right!

Just so neither I, nor anyone else can say that the passage above is merely a woman's rambling thoughts, I love that the author puts Scripture references on each page. Today's were exactly the ones with which I needed to be confronted. Jeremiah 31:25 "For I satisfy the weary ones and refresh everyone who languishes." and Philippians 2:14-15 "Do all things without grumbling or disputing; so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world."

In my Bible, the Jeremiah passage has a cross reference to Jeremiah 31:12-14 which says God's bounty will make me radiant, my soul will have abundance and I can be satisfied with God's goodness. So each day, as I'm looking at what we have (or don't have), I need to talk to God about my concerns, frustrations, etc. and He "tempers your thoughts and helps you see things from My perspective." (Jesus Calling) From God's perspective, I have enough for today. Amen!

The Philippians passage had a cross reference to 1 Corinthians 10:10 which is referring to the Israelites and how their grumbling caused the destroyer to destroy them. Yikes! There have been days recently when I feel like our family is being destroyed by the grumbling and complaining. And where have they learned it? Who has set the standard? Yep...it's me!

And a direct reference to being a child of God is Ephesians 5:1, "Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children..." To imitate God and demonstrate myself as His child means to give up the grumbling right? Of course! What is the result? “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; ¹⁵ nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. ¹⁶ Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven. (Matthew 5:14-16)

There it is. I've even experienced recently the pure shock at being confronted with another critical person at my tax prep classes. I came away from that experience realizing just how much God has changed me already. But now it's time to go even deeper...so that the ones who know me best and see me the most recognize the difference of the Holy Spirit in my life...particularly in the area of grumbling and complaining.

Now our church is all about making yourself accountable to someone when there's an area in your life where you want to grow and change. So today, I sat down with the four people who know me best and know my worst. These four have put up with a lot from me over the course of their young lives...and yet, they love me still. So who better to hold me accountable than my kids.

I realize I've set myself up to be corrected by my children...and I've asked them to do it in a kind, loving way...but even if they harshly reprimand me when I grumble, I pray that as I'm humbled by the reminder, I will remain thankful to a God who knows my every flaw and yet doesn't grumble against me. I pray that as Holy Spirit changes me,  my children will sense the change and the prevailing attitude of criticism to each other is healed. But most of all, I just pray that I become such a good imitator of God that no one doubts I am His child.

Wait For the LORD

Even though some might view it as mundane, it has been a blessed day in the Lord. [Funny how as I walk further on in this journey, I sound more like an old church lady! I guess they didn't always sound that way either!] But why so blessed? Because He has been faithful to give me Scriptures and reminders of just how amazing He is!

I've been starting my secluded time with Him each morning reading the daily devotion from Jesus Calling. I'd begun doing this because some days I pray and meditate so long that I don't get to my Bible study as often as I'd like. Each day the author, Sarah Young, includes at least two and often more Scriptures that pertain to the devotion she has written.

I'm am always encouraged by this little devotional book, but I am often challenged as well. Today was a blend of both. Here's the part that hit me:
"Thank Me for your neediness, which is building trust-bonds between us. If you look back on your journey thus far, you can see that days of extreme weakness have been some of your most precious times."

Immediately, I was reminded of my pure petrification (that is a word, right?) at going out to ask business owners for donations for our 24-Hour African Famine Event. I blogged about this some in I Needed This One Today.

The next situation Holy Spirit reminded me of ties into the Scripture mentioned in that same blog post, Hebrews 12:1. Interestingly enough, I spoke to the ladies of our home school co-op this past Friday on this exact same Scripture. But Holy Spirit was having me tie it into the idea of Weightlessness that God first began to plant in my heart and in my head back in April.

Why can't we experience a complete absence of worry, guilt, doubt, fear, shame, regret, etc. here and now not just after we die? After all, didn't Jesus teach His disciples to pray, "Your kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven."? (Matthew 6:10) Isn't just a little further down in Chapter 6 where He goes into great detail about why we shouldn't worry? And in verse 33 He commands me to "Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things (food, clothing and drink) will be provided to you."

So how come we are still such a stressed out, overwrought, depressed, guilt-ridden and shamed culture...and I'm not talking about non-Christians...I'm talking about those of us in the church? Could it be...is it remotely possible...that the primary reason is because we don't "Wait for the LORD"?  In fact, either while I was speaking or while praying for the groups of ladies during each of the three sessions on Friday, I felt specifically led to stress that becoming "Weightless" is not just another task for them to do. They are not to try to take it into their own hands to fix...but to go the One that knows them best...tell Him honestly, "God, here's the "stuff" I need to dump."...ask Him how and wait for Him to show you.

It seems I've been having a lot of this same discussion recently. And it's not just been with one or two people...it's becoming a repeated theme. Now, it might be asked in different ways...using different words...but what I'm coming to realize is that it all seems to boil down to this same idea: 'How can I (Angela) possibly know that the thoughts, ideas, plans, rationales, etc. that I am experiencing are truly from the Holy Spirit?' Put another way: 'How can you possibly discern that what you're describing as the Spirit of God's leading, voice, plan, decision, etc., is in fact, Him and not you?'

Funny enough the biggest reason that I know it is Him and not me is one that may actually sound arrogant if I were to quickly reply thus: "I know it's Him...because I don't feel the need to defend this."

To some, that may sound prideful and rude...but only I (and even better yet, God) know my heart. And even though I may be passionately explaining why I know it's the Holy Spirit...that's because I so very much want them to experience the same freedom of taking their hands off of their lives. In my heart I know  I am not just defending my actions. I am at complete peace with God defending Himself to them...that's not my job! And if I walk away from a conversation and the other paryt still doesn't understand what I'm saying or is even a little angry with me...I'm okay with that...all I can do is speak truth. It is not my burden to make someone see my point of view and agree with it.

But as I've been having some of these conversations what repeatedly comes up is to remind them that I am a planner. I've also blogged about this a few times before. And for the first time, I have no long range plans. I have no agendas. I have no desire to get from A to B in a specific amount of time. This from the lady that has wasted not just hours but days or even weeks of her lifetime developing plans that never see the light of day...and then being frustrated that they don't come to fruition. No...I have become content to "Wait For the LORD". To be truthful though...there are still some issues where I am running ahead...and God in His patience and grace is revealing those to me, helping me process through them with Him and lovingly guiding me on how to change this behavior.

The freedom though, that comes from knowing that I unequivocally abdicated my control of my life and repeat doing so each and every morning...to the Creator of the Universe and to trust that He will lead me, guide me, love me and whisper to me where to turn and when...is worth absolutely every pain, heartache, trial, temptation, tragedy and disgrace I've had to face to get here.

I just told someone last week during one of these conversations, 'I have spent almost 43 years taking everything into my own hands and doing it my way. I'm sick (to the point of puking) of living my life this way. I want no part of being in control again. I make a mess of it so I'm going to let Him be in charge.'

The follow-up to all of these conversations, lessons shared and memories remembered today wasone of the passages to read for Jesus Calling, Psalm 27:13-14,
"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD." (bold emphasis mine)

Yes, in His timing, in His way and even in His power (given by His Holy Spirit), He will display His active goodness in my LIFE. I don't have to wait until Heaven. His kingdom is here and now! But, what do I have to do? That's right..."Wait for the LORD".

I know this is long...but I can't leave this off...because so many of you don't even know about this! Back in May, I had what I thought was a great idea to host a "free garage sale" to single moms. They would be able to come and shop for free clothes and small household items that had been donated. With very little prayer and thought, I forged ahead and approached my pastor and I think my cell group about this and was very pleased with myself for thinking of it. After all, it had to be a God thing, right?
It came down to a leadership huddle for our church on a Saturday morning and Holy Spirit had been tugging on me about this idea for a few days. He would not let it go. But right before I left for this meeting, I got face down on the floor and said, "Okay, You win! I'll let it go! I don't understand why, but You do and that's all I need to know. Yeah, I'll make a fool of myself in front of these leaders, but that's okay...I'll do it for You." At the meeting, when it was my turn to speak about this idea of a garage sale, I said something like, "I'm a little embarrassed to say I have to let this go. For whatever reason, I'm not supposed to do this...at least not now." Everyone was gracious, but the enemy still can give you a little nudge that maybe you're doing the wrong thing and others just won't understand.

But I left it behind, didn't ask again why and have been learning many lessons since May...especially about While I Wait... I may never have known why He asked me to let go of the single moms' garage sale idea. Yet, He is so kind to give me a special blessing of assurance as to how He puts everything together.

Have you figured it out yet?

A few hours ago, my youngest and I are driving back from the grocery store and like a whammy out of left field He reminded me that if I...in my own strength and determination...would have proceeded with that event...which would have still been a good and loving thing to do...He would not have had the opportunity to lay on my heart the perfectly timed 24-Hour Famine for African Relief Event!

That's right, one of the dates I had wanted to do the garage sale was the Saturday after Labor Day...the day we began our fast.

Now, I'm sure God could have still done both...but there's no way that I could have. And plowing ahead with what I thought was a good idea, instead of being able to "Wait for the LORD" would have meant that I would have missed out on all the lessons and blessings that I've shared on here for the last 4 weeks. I know there would have been different lessons and different blessings to be learned by doing a free garage sale for single moms...but I have become so absolutely amazingly aware that they wouldn't have been the best lessons that God had for me at exactly the time He wanted.

What does this mean for my life? Well, for our fast-paced, never-a-moment-to-ourselves kind of frantic, hysteria-filled lives that pervade every single part of the American culture (unless you're Amish!), it may look like I'm doing nothing except being a mom, a home schooler and a wife. But please, don't discount the work...sometimes the battles...that are going on beneath the surface. And trust...even though it may not be in your timing...I am at peace delaying until He shows me His. Because, ultimately...I just want to "Wait for the LORD!"

Wait For It...Oh Snap!

A few months ago, my kids were quoting several lines from Bolt over and over again. Their favorite was a scene with some pigeons and the lines went something like this:
1st pigeon:  "Wait for it..."
2nd pigeon: "Aliens"
1st pigeon: "Oh, snap!"

If you haven't seen the movie, you won't find this as humorous as my kids do. I tried to find a clip on YouTube, but the only one was a bootleg taping off of ABC Family Channel. But if you've seen the movie, then you get the gist.

Why all of this pedantic (Yes, that is a word) backstory to my post? Because this scene immediately came to mind today when Holy Spirit was teaching me about patience. I'm not going to reveal all the details as to why this is so significant. Suffice it to say, I really needed this lesson today! Honestly, I had a poopy attitude and it needed adjusting. (yes, I'm a parent...so I can say poopy!)

When I opened up my Bible study today, this was the first thing I read: "Have you ever known a serene person who never passed judgment on others? How often do the failures, emotions, or outright sins of someone else ruin your peace of mind? What would it be like if you refused to allow the behavior of others to spoil your day?" (Beth Moore, Living Beyond Yourself)

Great questions! And just exactly what I needed to read today! I sat weepy most of the lesson thinking over a conversation I'd just had with Dale an hour before. A perfectly timed e-mail from a friend today was used by the Holy Spirit to convict me of my pride, arrogance and doubt that God would provide HIS way...not mine. And then Beth Moore starts talking about hope. Hope is not just wishful thinking..."Biblical hope is not focused on what might happen, but what must happen." (emphasis mine)

God must provide for us and this ministry He has laid on our hearts. How dare I say He must, right? Well, He's commanded us in James 1:27 to take care of  widows and orphans. There are multitudes of other commands in His Scriptures that tell us to take care of the poor and defend the helpless. So if I'm going to follow His commands, one of them also being Matthew 6:25-34 that tells me not to worry about food, drink and clothing as long as I "seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness"...then is it that BIG of a leap when we're not making very much money to assume that He must provide for us and His ministry to single moms that He's called us to? So, yes...I have hope that "He will do what He says He will do" (That's in another Beth Moore study, Believing God).

One of the Scriptures for the lesson was Hebrews 10:35. In parentheses, I'm going to insert the cross-reference my Bible had for the word "confidence". "Therefore, do not throw away your confidence ("to enter the holy place by the blood of Jesus"- Hebrews 10:19) which has a great reward." I wept as I recalled my same e-mail friend sending me a message about 1 1/2 weeks ago telling me that she would  "approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (Hebrews 4:16) This was in regard to a prayer request for our family.

At this point I'm already duly chastised, yet thankful for God's patience with me in this lesson of trust and confidence in Him. Then in my cross-references, I found another verse. Turns out I was looking in the "wrong" place...but not really...God's words leapt out of His Word and into my heart as I read:

"For the vision is yet for the appointed time;
It hastens* toward the goal and it will not fail.
Though it tarries, wait for it;
For it will certainly come, it will not delay." --Habakkuk 2:3
(*another word for hastens in my side notes is "pants". Great word picture! The vision "pants" toward the goal!)

I'm still teary, three hours later. There it was. I don't know the context of this verse, but today...it was written for me. He has given me a vision for the appointed time. It will not fail as the vision hastens toward the goal, even when I think it is slow (or different than how I believed it would happen!)...the vision  will certainly come...the vision will not delay, it will be in His perfect timing. What did I think when I read this? You guessed it..."wait for it...Oh snap!"


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Some Recent Happenings, Part 2

Training was fine, and the hours weren't that bad. Physically, I was a little achey, but it's warehouse work and I was surprised I wasn't huring more. Yeah, I was a little tired this morning, but even though only my oldest child was home and it was eerily silent, I still woke up at about 8:20 a.m. For only about 5 hours of sleep, I felt pretty good.

Abbey needed to get off to her friend's house, but I had a chance to start up the computer and check a few things, Facebook being one of them. And my awesome friend had tagged me in a note. Keep in mind, she knew none of the details about me starting training and this is what she posted,

"Your greatest regret at the end of your life will be the lions you didn't chase. You will look back longingly on risks not taken, opportunities not seized, and dreams not pursued. Stop running away from what scares you most and start chasing the God-ordained opportunities that cross your path".- Mark Batterson, In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day

She'd also tagged me in a comment and asked if I'd heard of the book (I hadn't) and told me to check it out on Amazon (I did!).


If you click on the link, you can read about 4 pages...and oh my, it was exactly what I needed to read! (Can't wait to get my hands on a copy.) It goes perfectly with True Courage that another friend loaned to me recently. [I'll post on this one later!] So now I not only had a lot of questions about the job...but I realized I don't want to look back on my life and regret that I hadn't completely leaped when God told me to. That I would rue the day that I took matters into my own hands because I didn't trust Him to catch me when He asked me to freefall into His loving arms.

But this "nagging" about if this was God's leading to quit the job or just me making excuses would not go away. I got my oldest off to her friend's house and realized..."I am absolutely alone...no one is home...no one is coming home until Dale gets off work." I thought about going to see a movie (It's $1.75 Tuesdays at the Danbarry!), but knew I needed to just go spend some time with God. For once, I let Him help me deal with a situation head-on instead of avoiding it for a few days with movies, books and other distractions. So He and I sat down for a chat.

I began by reading through the introduction to Jesus Calling again. It gives me so much confidence and boldness to read how someone else just yearns to hear Him speak...and that He will actually speak when we just sit quietly long enough to listen. Today's devotional was based on three passages in Psalms- 32:8;   119:35; and 143:8 All of these speak of letting God instruct me, teach me, show me where to walk and how to walk in His commandments...His ways. The author made a point to say that we can make a lot of plans...but "all that planning ties you up in knots and distracts you from (Jesus)." Good point...and one that He's been teaching me lately as He challenges me to just live day by day. That way I can be interrupted without resentment, I can hear Him when He's calling me to make a change to my day or serve someone with a need.

It was a blessing to have Him reiterating this to me this afternoon. As I kept attempting to seek Him, particularly about this job situation, He was just saying, "Relax, and let me teach you." In her introduction, Sarah Young said she makes a practice of just sitting with a notebook and pen as she waits to hear Him speak. I guess meditation would be the ancient discipline that would best describe this. So I tried to meditate on some passages, conversations, assurances God had given me over the last month and here's what I sensed Holy Spirit "speaking" to my heart.

He had never asked me to go apply for this job to begin with...that was all me. He never told me to keep pursuing it through orientations, follow up calls, etc...in fact, not once has He given me an assurance that this was His choice for me. And last Monday night, He actually had me sent home in an attempt to shut the door.

As I asked Him, "But is all of this just my thoughts, my desires, my wants or are You telling me not to go back." He assured me that every morning as I surrender my will to His...giving Him complete control over my body, my mind and my will...I can begin to trust that my thoughts are His thoughts. He also reminded me of what I've learned in Living Beyond Yourself, that living under the control of the Holy Spirit will increase my discernment, perception and insight. He also said, "Remember what I'm calling you to...a ministry...serving others...living your life sacrificially so that others can know Me. You are not leaving this job so you can watch TV, play computer games and waste your time. You are not being selfish. You are doing what I have called you to do."

He brought to mind a Scripture another friend e-mailed to me: "Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (Hebrews 4:16) But in that moment I couldn't find it. [I was looking in 14:6...guess what, there's no chapter 14 in Hebrews!] I wanted to read this Scripture so badly...I felt compelled to find it...but I couldn't. As I desperately searched through Hebrews though, two different ones caught my eye.

"And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him." (Hebrews 11:6) Ahh...there's that word seek again. And is it possible that my doubts about feeling faithless are well-founded? By seeking a job instead of Him first, am I lacking the faith to dive into the ministry to which I believe God is calling us? Or again, is this just all my random thinking and avoidance of work?

Look what I saw next..."Let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water." (Hebrews 10:22)

I can't explain the peace I felt when reading this. I didn't need to find 4:16...He needed to show me 10:22.  "Don't doubt your motives, He said,  you are surrendering your will to Mine...yes, it can come back up during the day...but you are getting better at letting Me help you recognize it. You are not perfect...but you are not diving into a ministry and walking away from this job so you can be selfish. See...you can have full assurance of faith that your heart has been sprinkled clean from an evil conscience."

I'd already told Him I would let the job go and trust Him to provide completely for us. As long as I am obedient to Him, I cannot fail in His eyes...right? And ultimately...He's the only One I need to please. Now, with that load off my mind, I asked Him what to I do next? How do I let You order my day (a reference back to Jesus Calling)? He immediately led my thoughts to 3-4 steps I can take in this next week (with no kids at home) that will take us a few steps further down the road with Boundless Ministries.

I know I'll doubt again. I know I'll question my motives. I know I'll want Him to speak and be frustrated that He's not speaking loudly enough or quickly enough. But I also know that as these stepping stones of His faithfulness keep piling up, I can trust Him more. As I trust Him more, I obey Him more quickly. As I obey Him repeatedly, He trusts me with more of Him. Isn't that what I've said I wanted all along?

I've thought a lot lately about Daniel, Moses, Abraham and some of the prophets and what never ceases to amaze me is that many times...and I mean many...when faced with a crisis, a deadline, or in some cases a call to instant action...they didn't have time to "pray about it". I've heard this and used this phrase so many times in my life. But what if...and it's a big if...I could be so lost to myself and so full of Him...my every thought a pray of communion to the Almighty...that in a moment such as these men faced I could know what God would have me say or do and confidently do it. That's an amazing life! That's the kind of life in which the Holy Spirit will do amazing things! That's a life that is Boundless!

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