A few days ago, I read a Bible reference in Jesus Calling that I've been chewing on ever since. I've wanted to blog about it, but have avoided putting into words what I'm feeling, because I've allowed my enemy to tell my I'm being hypocritical to post something spiritual when it's been quite awhile since I've felt spiritual at all.
I'm in a funk.
I've eluded to this. I've even blogged a little about trying to let go of some worries, etc. But I keep coming back to a few places in my life where I'm continuing to struggle...to have faith to be honest. I have great desires...great passions...great dreams of doing great things for God...but the reality is that we often don't even have enough money for ourselves, so God hasn't been impressing upon us the opportunities to give. I miss giving. I actually yearn to do it. Every time I ask Him though, there is either a firm "No" or a pulling back (for lack of a better phrase)...a "wait until I give you the go ahead" sort of message.
So instead, we've been giving our time. We've been volunteering at Master Provisions, hosted some families and friends for swimming, continued to serve at Henry Hosea House and even sorted through clothes and tried to pare down what we have and give our abundance away to LifeLine Ministries. But then there's another side to serving: we'd hoped to serve as a family at a low income neighborhood...filled with single moms and their families...we only have one working car though and they meet within minutes of Dale's work shift ending. Unfortunately, it's not worked out for us to get there except for the first week. So sometimes even when the desire is there to give of our time (and something we wanted to do together as a family), poverty blocks us from the ability to do it.
And I know I'm whining...I own it. And I know God has the resources (a.k.a. money) to fulfill every desire He has laid upon my heart...but for some reason He's choosing to not send it this way. I know He will do it in His timing. Can I just say once more that I hate waiting?! I mean...what American doesn't? But I've been walking with Him long enough to know there is a reason for the wait...and one day, He will satisfy the desires of my heart. (Psalm 37:4)
Also, I've continued reading Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger by Ronald J. Sider and I am being greatly challenged, yet again to set aside my American wants because there are just too many in this world going without. But then I read the statistics and I see the percentages and he discusses the unequal distribution of wealth and my enemy starts coaxing me into a pity party..."After all, I am one of the impoverished he's writing about." While I don't want to wallow, I must admit I'm struggling to maintain a desire to give when there's nothing to give. Even now in this moment as I write, God's faithful Spirit is reminding me that when He does give us a blessing (whether it's financial, spiritual, physical or even time) and we share it from out of our poverty...then only He gets the credit. I can honestly say, the remembrance of times such as those does make me long to give again!
Back to the verse referred to in Jesus Calling that has begun to bring me some peace:
"May the beloved of the LORD dwell in security by Him,
Who shields him all the day;
And he dwells between His shoulders." (Deuteronomy 33:12)
In my Bible, there was an amazing cross reference:
"Like an eagle that stirs up its nest,
That hovers over its young,
He spread His wings and caught them,
He carried them on His pinions." (Deuteronomy 32:11)
Isn't that an amazing word picture? When the young aren't strong enough to fly on their own, He spreads His wings...catches them...and carries them on His pinions. Pinions are the outermost part of a bird's wings. The distal or terminal segment for you medical/science type people.
But there was one more cross reference that I found interesting:
"You shall put the two stones on the shoulder pieces of the ephod, as stones of memorial for the sons of Israel, and Aaron shall bear their names before the LORD on his two shoulders for a memorial." (Exodus 28:12)
This verse refers to Aaron, the high priest, brother of Moses. He was the one who stood before God and offered sacrifices for the sins of the people. I know this isn't Biblical, but if I let my imagination go for a minute, I can almost picture God saying, "You know what...that sin...yeah...I'm not going to let it slide...I am sick of the same thing...day after day...year after year (catches sight of Aaron pacing before the altar and sees the names of the 12 sons of Jacob engraved on the shoulders of Aaron's priestly garments)...but (deep breath) I remember the promise I made...to make you My people...to love you...and sometimes even carry you on My shoulders if I that's what it takes."
So yeah, I'm in a bit of a funk because things aren't happening the way I'd wanted or in the timing I'd hoped...but I know it will pass and I know His blessings and the growth that will happen in the waiting will have been worth it all. In the mean time, I think I'm going to climb up and dwell right where He wants me...
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