Self-Pity

I'm going to attempt to do a little catching up on my blogging today and the next few days. It seems with working, there just aren't enough hours to do all I want. But mostly what I've wanted when I'm not working is just to sit and unwind. So I've opted to play computer games or catch up on Dr. Who episodes with my kids (related post coming soon!) instead of doing "kingdom work" like spending time with God or sharing what He's teaching me when I do get alone with Him.

I've continued to meet with Him every morning...it's just felt less focused. And I've shared on here previously how I've felt distant from Him and accept full blame for it. Yet, as He always is, He has remained faithful to speak to me through the cacophony with which I surround myself. He's been teaching me great lessons about selfishness; territorialism that I try to spiritualize and disguise as "boundaries" (essentially telling myself things are "mine" when they're not really); discernment vs. judging; how to disciple my kids instead of punishment/consequences; and, as always, more lessons about love...His for me and mine for others.

This is going to take more than a few posts to "unpack" (a current favorite word of hip pastors), so let's get started!

I've chosen to start with self-pity, because it grabbed my attention almost a week ago and God keeps bringing me back to it. I'm not afraid to admit I love a good wallow...not in a "oh, woe is me" sort of way, but rather in a "I'm shutting down today because I can not handle all that is expected of me so please leave me alone" display of self-pity. Unfortunately, those days have been quite frequent of late. Ugh!

But about four days ago, I read this in Jesus Calling:
"Be on guard against the pit of self-pity. When you are weary or unwell, this demonic trap is the greatest danger you face. Don't even go near the edge of the pit. Its edges crumble easily, and before you know it, you are on the way down. It is ever so much harder to get out of the pit than to keep a safe distance from it. That is why I tell you to be on guard." (further suggested reading Psalm 89:15 and Hebrews 12:1-2)

It goes on to describe how to be on guard...by praising and thanking God for everything...constantly and without ceasing. I know, I know...easier said than done. And we all have something in our lives for which to be thankful seems absolutely ludicrous. But, I have yet to ever experience the true Love of God or anything of His kingdom that just "makes sense" according to our human standard of measuring it.

Also, as I've reread this passage every day since I first read it, God has lovingly and gently reminded me that it hasn't just been my lack of praise and thankfulness that was causing my spiral into a pit of self-pity. No, the first place I went wrong was to allow myself to be deceived into believing that this life is actually mine.

You see, I was bought with a very expensive price...the life and blood of Jesus the Messiah who was in fact, God in human flesh. And as I'll expound upon in future posts, when I am dead to self and alive in Jesus, the Christ (Messiah), and He alone is living in me and through me, then nothing...absolutely nothing is mine.

How does this manifest itself in my life?

• Well, if someone is stirring up some trouble and wants to twist my words to sully my name...it just doesn't matter, because it's not my name to begin with. Yes, I need to be on guard about what I share with this person...a line has to be drawn, but only my reaction and actions henceforward will prove that I am God's and He is mine.
• If called upon to discern the best course of action to help someone, I need not rely upon my judgements, but rather allow God's Spirit to lead me on how to best serve in any given situation.
• When giving advice to my kids or attempting to diffuse a volatile situation between them, I should quit worrying about how they're infringing on my time and my peace, but rather see these as opportunities for growth, discipling (I like that word better than disciplining because of the cultural connotations of punishment.), setting aside my desire to be left alone to refuel and working on building them up instead.
• When our home is a mess, the laundry and dishes are overflowing, I have no time to do quality grocery shopping and my expectations are not being met for what I consider to be healthy, harmonious, organic or "green" living...I should instead be thankful we have a home, clothing, food to put on the dishes and the ability to have abundance when so many in our world don't.

Yes, this is very humbling to admit just how selfish I am. But if I can't "name it and claim it" then how can I ever let God fix it? Ultimately, that's the most important part of the process to me. So while I may be exposing myself to derision for being honest about my flaws...who cares? It's not my life anyway! I thank and praise God for that. Amen!