Some Recent Happenings

I posted last week about having the door shut on a job that I had applied for...not really being certain if it was God's will to begin with. I guess I should have just accepted being sent home as His answer and been done with it...but NOoooo...I had to put my name back in and I was offered the same shift starting on the 25th.

What ensued was a week of claiming His truths, seeking His wisdom and eventually torturing myself with the huge question...was I just being faithless? After all, didn't He lay the vision for this ministry upon my heart? Didn't He give me promise after promise from His Word and from His Spirit that this was at last His Will for us...the BIG thing we've been waiting for? Didn't He help me break through to the point where I haven't been worrying about His provision because I'm more focused on serving and interceding through prayer for others? Then why was I continuing to pursue this job even after He'd sent me home the week before.

This seems like a simple question but the theological debate it opens up is enormous. What one person would call just chance that I was sent home last week, another would see as God's providence and His "sign" that I wasn't supposed to have the job. [Is it any wonder The Adjustment Bureau spoke to my heart this weekend?] If you haven't picked up on it yet, I am a deep thinker and these kinds of questions are torture for me. I even go so far as to allow the enemy to start getting a foothold of doubt that maybe "I'm just not that interested in working...so I'm seeing what I want to see." Won't some people think I'm just being selfish or lazy or not willing to do my fair share to bring money into our home?

I was so torn up by this and had very little opportunity over the weekend to spend time sorting through it with God, that I was grieving over it all Monday afternoon. By the time I could get alone with God and really ask these questions, I was due to report for training in less than two hours. But beg for answers I did. And He brought me back to the Scriptural promises He's been giving over the last few weeks. Actually, on Monday morning He had reminded me of Jeremiah 29:13, "You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart."

The day before, my mom had handed me a book and said, "This is exactly what you need to be reading right now...it's all about God's provision and not worrying and stuff." The book she handed me? Jesus Calling by Sarah Young...the exact same book a friend has been frequently quoting to me. Oh, but that's not enough...the scheduled devotional reading I open up to yesterday?...you guessed it if you said Jeremiah 29:13!

All day yesterday I kept begging Him to show me how to seek Him...to show Himself to me...to give me some answers. And the last Scripture passage I felt drawn to was Psalm 119:29-32 . Everyday I've been asking Him to remove any false way from me, to choose the faithful way, to cling (like clingwrap remember!) to His testimonies (promises to me!) and to NOT put me to shame! All of this I know He is doing while He is enlarging my heart for the things that matter to His heart.

As I reread so many promises He's given me recently, I was starting to feel more peaceful but still just felt so weighed down and then my eyes were drawn to verse 28,

 "My soul weeps because of grief;
Strengthen me according to Your word"

I know David wrote those words thousands of years ago, but they could have been mine...actually, they were mine yesterday. I realized in that moment just how much I was doubting the job thing since I was sent home last week. I told Dale later, "It knocked the wind out of me!" It made me doubt a lot of things. But I headed off to training determined to do the best I could and keep my mind open for what God wanted to do.

To be continued...