Well, like most people I know, I don't like to wait. Patience has never been my virtue. And I'd even go so far as to say that instead of developing patience, being the controlling, domineering, decisive person that I am...I'm more likely to take the matter (whatever it is) in hand and just do something about it...even if my something isn't the best answer to the problem.
Such is the case of my personal history...and I may have even blogged about this before...but alas, I am too impatient to sort back through my previous posts to see if I have or not. But undeniably, one of the qualities of the fruit of the Spirit in a believer's life is patience.
I'm struck anew at just how God does not operate on our time and has no intention of messing up His perfect timing in order to accomodate us. He dwells in the fullness of time, after all, and knows exactly when we need what we need and will make certain it (or the answer to it) is there precisely according to His Will. Does knowledge of this make me more patient?? (Insert heavy sigh!) No. I wish it did!
Allow me to explain a little. There's a whole lot to this story, but I'll give just a brief overview...hopefully enough to make my point at least.
The last couple of years have been tough on us...and that's putting it mildly. If you've shared in our downwardly mobile journey, you've seen God's faithfulness to us time and again. And I know this! I mean my heart, my head, my eyes, my ears, my everything has witnessed it all...first hand.
And just last week, we were able to take a mini-vacation completely prompted and paid for by the gift of the Holy Spirit connecting all the dots of something we needed, we enjoyed and we felt so truly blessed to receive! But once again, as I ponder where the money will come from for rent, bills and daily living and sincerely pray for God to reveal the answer of what we need to do...there is still no answer.
I have turned provision for us over to Him and daily ask Him to either provide for us miraculously or to deeply impress upon us how we are to do it. And I guess where the frustration comes from is that He's not acting fast enough. I mean, literally, the day He wants us to sell something or receive a blessing or are absolutely waiting with baited-breath for the answer is when He comes through. And I have to say, I've not learned enough patience yet to make this whole repetitive process a peaceful one. I'm still too stressed about life in general...too focused on our daily needs to see the big picture that He is going to take care of everything for us.
And lately, I've been coming back around to thinking I need to work...full time...outside of the house in order to ease the financial stress we have. I know this will just create different stress, but honestly, after two plus years of financial stress, I'm almost to the point where trading it for a little different stress seems like a great solution.
So what if I work nights, do without sleep, become a monster to my children and spouse as long as we have more money, right?? Obviously, I say this sarcastically!
The one thing I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that we are to continue home schooling. There is a deep peace in knowing this is God's plan for our family. But I don't want to home school, work nights and the consequences be that I have no energy for our kids or my husband and we all just hate life because we're just surviving and barely getting by.
Yet, me working nights appears to be the obvious, sensible choice...right? But in the last few years, I have not seen God work in an obvious or sensible way in my life.
So I have been attempting to pray for God's wisdom, His answer, His leading or even just His assurance about working or if there is another choice...to make it feel so "right" that I know it's of Him. I've felt under attack so much recently from the enemy that I almost feel like I can't pray about this anymore. I've even enlisted the help of a few ladies that I knew I could trust to pray non-judgementally and with an unbiased heart. Thank God for sisters that believe in the power of prayer!
I in no way have clear direction or clarity of purpose, but I did go apply for a job this week. It's the same temp agency I applied with last summer that never worked out. They kept calling me to schedule a shift, then they would cancel that shift. By the time they were ready for me four months later, it was time for me to do tax school and get ready to go back to Jackson Hewitt for the tax season...so I felt like I had my answer. My prayer is that God will work again to either keep this from happening, or give me such peace and assurance that it is right that I won't struggle with lingering doubt that I'm doing the right thing.
A long time ago, I heard a woman I'd known for years say, "I don't do anything without knowing that it's God's will for me." In my heart I scoffed and thought, "Then I'd never get anything done!" But her comment has stuck with me, even 6 years later. At the time, I confess, I thought she was a loon...possibly even just using that as an excuse to not act. But I'd been in Bible study with this woman, I'd watched her life my entire growing up in the church and I knew she knew God!
I admit now that I think in that moment, she may have said one of the wisest nuggets of spiritual truth that I have ever heard. Beth Moore confirms in her teaching over and over again to not just pray to the Lord...but to actually WAIT for the answer. Now we come full circle back to the problem of patience. Where can I look for an example of patience? Where can I find someone who received a promise, prayed for it to happen and waited patiently for it to come to fruition? I struggle to find one in our instant society!
When is the last time you got irritated because someone didn't reply to your e-mail, text or phone call fast enough? When is the last time you grew angry as the teenagers behind the counter were joking around while you waited for your "fast" food? When was the last time your internet connection moved too slowly on your laptop, phone or Ipad and you became frustrated? Do we even remember dial-up internet anymore?? I hope you get my point! And believe me...all of the "yous" here are better read with an "I" in their places.
So if I can't find an example around me, where do I look? I found it today!
I wanted to relisten to the CDs of Beth Moore's Living Beyond Yourself. I just felt like I've been so confused, under attack and even at times defeated that I just wanted some encouragement. And she mentioned something about the disciples being promised the Holy Spirit and waiting for His indwelling to come. She didn't elaborate on how this came about and what God wanted to teach me wasn't her teaching focus. But, instantly (notice, I didn't have to wait!), I knew this was God's assurance to me for today!
In John 14, during His Last Supper with His closest followers, Jesus told them that the Comforter or Helper would come. That this Spirit had been with them and now would be in them. Did He come then? Did He even come the next day? As a matter of fact...no.
What did the disciples have to go through? How long did they have to wait? I wonder if they even understood exactly what Jesus was saying? After all, how can you fathom the Spirit of the Almighty, Creator of the Universe living IN you until you've experienced it.
Actually, what the disciples had to endure was this:
- Seeing their leader so stressed out, grieved and downcast that He literally BEGS them three times to stay awake and pray with Him.
- Watching helplessly as He is arrested and taken away while they in turn, take off.
- Seeing Him beaten, tortured, ridiculed and mocked as He stands silent and powerless before mere rulers of this earth.
- Swallowing their bile as He carries His cross to a hill where common criminals are murdered even though He has only ever loved those around Him.
- Through their tears, watching this Man they loved, followed, admired and worshipped being nailed to a cross and dying an excruciating death.
- Waiting three days...yes, three days...in gloom, isolation and fearing for their own lives with no word of hope to come.
- Hearing with unbelieving ears that He had risen...or maybe just had His body stolen.
- Seeing with their own eyes that their beloved Savior was indeed alive.
- Walking again with Him, soaking up His love, His guidance, His direction for 40 days
- Obediently waiting as He commanded them to not leave Jerusalem (Acts 1:4-5), "but to wait for what the Father had promised, 'Which, He said, 'you heard from Me; for John baptized with water, but you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit not many days from now.'" (Do you wonder if at this point they even remembered what He had told them?)
- Wanting His kingdom on earth to be established at that time, but being told (Acts 1:6-8) "It is not for you to know times or epochs which the Father has fixed by his own authority; but you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be My witnesses..."
- Watching Him ascend into the clouds until He was no more.
- Waiting a few days more (about 10 as near as I can calculate!) for the Holy Spirit to descend upon them, fill them with His supernatural power and begin to turn the world upside down!! Amen!
That seems like a lot of waiting and watching to me. What, are we told, the disciples did while they waited? "These all with one mind were continually devoting themselves to prayer." (Acts 1:14)
Now, I by no means am comparing my piddly little trials, doubts and uncertainties to those of the magnitude that the disciples encountered. But if when faced with something so huge, so monumentous, so earth-shattering, all they did was obediently wait upon the Lord and "devote themselves to prayer,"...how can I do any less?
I do not believe it is wrong for me to go to work. I even have heard people say (Rick Warren being the example that comes to mind) that as long as we're obeying the "prevailing" will of God...His prevailing will for us to love God with all of our hearts, mind and soul; love our neighbors as ourselves; and to go make disciples of all men...that we have freedom in Christ. So we don't have to sweat the details like which job to have, which person to marry, where we should live, etc.
But I don't know...I think I'm beginning to see that all those times I said, "He IS the God of details" that I really should have meant it. If you've had much experience with God, you can recognize that there is no detail beneath His notice. If He truly takes the time to number the hairs on our heads (Matthew 10:30) doesn't it make sense that He would want us to ask Him to guide the very minute, intricate details of our lives??
I don't know about you, but I'm tired of running ahead of Him just because it seems like a good idea and then making a mess of things that I have to ask Him to help me out of. What if, instead, I waited for His perfect plan. Then the plan was His and the results are completely left up to Him. Right? That way, He gets all of the glory when it goes well and even if in the world's eyes the plan implodes and is a disaster, it was God's plan so I don't have to shoulder any of the guilt or shame. Hmmmm?? That sounds like a VERY peaceful way to live. And isn't one characteristic of the Fruit of the Spirit peace?
So patience, or waiting on the Lord's direction, produces peace. What a novel idea!
What I do in the meantime...while I'm waiting? As exampled by the disciples, I devote myself to prayer...not my strength. But I'm sure there's a lesson to be learned in that as well. I think I also might learn to listen to the wisdom received from sometimes unexpected places. When talking with my daughter about some of this a few days ago, she said in reply to my doubt over whether to apply for the job or not, "Well, if you don't know if you're supposed to do it or not...why are you doing it?"
Ahh! The simple faith of a child!
Lord, help me trust that my Abba (Dad) knows exactly what steps are best for me. And help me trust in Your timing...not my own! Help me see Your glory and Your power working everday so that my lips will never fail to give you praise. May I empty myself of me and allow You to fill me with your Holy Spirit so I am not seeking my own way but I am seeking only Your kingdom and Your righteouness (Matt 6:33) because then I know You will add everything I need unto me! I pray that throughout the day I would praise You for who You are and each night I would examine and recount Your faithfulness to me! I am amazed at You, Lord and pray to know You more! Amen!
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