Actually, I wasn't surprised that it happened. I've been doing this journey long enough that I'm familiar with the concept that if you put yourself out there as having been challenged in an area or expressing your heart's desire to grow in some way (as I recently did with Not the Answer I Expected) that something is going to happen to give you the opportunity to "put feet" on what you're professing. For example, you say something crazy like you believe God wants you to be His light among the darkness of this world and the darkness is probably going to start throwing up all sorts of roadblocks to try to get you distracted from enjoying the journey.
Such was the case for me last weekend. But Saturday, as I worked, I realized that some of the things that have always been frustrations were creeping up on me. When people don't follow rules (sometimes even for safety), disregard what supervisors have instructed just because they want to or the ultimate nerve-wracking behavior for me...laziness...I don't have much tolerance. Saturday, I made a comment...that honestly I couldn't even remember within the next hour specifically what I said...and it was mild compared to others that I hear around me (not a valid excuse though!)...but praise God, His Spirit nudged me and said, "Angela, don't go down that negative path. Be My light. Criticism is a slippery slope for you. I want you to enjoy being here."
Even in that moment, I was so grateful and overwhelmed that He cared enough to correct me on what everyone else would have thought was no big deal. But remember...my heart's desire is to be above reproach so my God will be glorified. I want to shine His light into the places it may not often have the chance to reach. I went home that evening praising Him repeatedly for giving me this lesson and asking Him to help me do better and to keep my eyes on Him alone.
That was Saturday.
Then came the next day!
Without the burden of all the details, let's just say that only a few hours into the shift...I felt like I was failing. There's one lady in particular I've been getting to know. She's a Christian and even lives in my neighborhood. I unfortunately shared my frustration with her and she had observed the blatantly inappropriate behavior from our co-workers too, so she didn't think I was exaggerating about having to pick up the slack for someone else. But, I felt like I'd failed this big test or something when I vocalized my critical thoughts.
Here's where my gracious God gave me an extended test...sort of like sitting for the SAT or one similar...you see, I think it was a two-parter: Pass/Fail meets essay, so to speak. Because while I had voiced my frustration to my new friend (the failed portion of the test)...I refrained from mentioning anything to management, trainers, or anyone that could have gotten the co-workers in trouble. Toward the end of the day, one of the trainers even said, "You guys (yes, me and the lazy ones) did a good job today". I almost laughed, but instantly realized too that my hard work covered for the slackers...and in a way, I felt a little more like Jesus than I do on most days. So in some small way, I felt like I passed too. I even shared with my new friend a little about what had happened the day before, that I had committed to having a better attitude and I felt like this was a test...one I was not passing. I could tell she appreciated my honesty about my struggle.
The essay portion of the test though, was the running dialogue I was having with myself and my Maker for the eight plus hours this was taking place. Most days when I'm at work the mundane repetitiveness of the job keeps me distracted and my thoughts don't often turn toward conversing with God. I haven't quite figured out how to continually count products and talk to God at the same time...I'm working on it. But the job I was doing Sunday involved no counting, is one of the most labor intensive available in our building (the job everyone hates to do!) and doesn't require much except walking...I mean a lot of walking...like 8 to 10 hours of walking. So if I was going to be frustrated with a couple of co-workers, there was no better job to have where I could talk to my God about it. Sure, I complained to Him. By the time that even my toenails were hurting...I was complaining to Him more than a lot...if that's possible. And while I struggled to keep my comments between He and I, He taught me a few more things that I pray I remember the next time...trust me...there will be a next time. I think listening to Him and allowing Him to soften up my heart even as each step became harder to take confirms to me that there was a little bit more of the test that I passed.
Even though I was none too happy with the people goofing off and not following safety protocol and even the arrogant ones that give you a two minute lecture because you accidentally call something by the wrong name...what He was showing me by the end of the day is that while it was difficult to be my 'happy-worker, smiling self'...I could still hear Him calling to me, pleading with my heart to remember that He loves the annoying rule-breakers too. (Yes, I realize I'm annoying as well.) Once again, He whispered, "I love them too, Angela. If you won't show them that Love and tolerance...who will?"
So I came away from the weekend with a mixed bag of feelings...not perfect in any way...but one step closer to becoming the Daughter of the King that He always created me to be. That's how I can say that I failed and passed. Being the competitive...always want to do it perfect, person that I am...I'm just thrilled that He hasn't allowed me to beat myself up over this all week.
Hey...if I tally it all up...and He grades me on a curve (which I know He does just by the simple fact that He still loves me!)...maybe I can even call this test more pass than fail. Yeah, I'll stick to that story. After all, I think at the end of my "school" days, He's just going to tear up the report card anyway. Amen to that!
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