Have been feeling a bit awkward about our latest blessing. Through donations from various people, we have been given a car. It's a HUGE blessing and we are VERY thankful. But I confess it's difficult to know how to say thank you to a church when you don't know whom to thank.
It's also humbling to have your church family know that you're the ones in need. I love coordinating gifts & blessings for others. But when you know a group of people have had to spend a few weeks coordinating something for you, it's somehow...different. I'm carrying the burden of expectations & fear of someone being hurt because I didn't thank them appropriately. BUT, I know that's not a burden I should bear.
So I'll thank the One that I KNOW had a part in this...and He can smooth it over with everyone else!
Abba...time and time again You have proven Yourself faithful to us. Your timing is yet again...perfect. It has just turned cold the last few days, and now Dale doesn't have to walk to work anymore. Thank You that my Fridays will now be more calm and I'll have less time spent in the car taking him to Blue Ash. Once again, we're heading into some uncertain times and I don't want to be dependent upon the gifts & blessings of others...but I know as we're being obedient to You, those gifts sometimes happen. Forgive me for thinking we have to provide everything for ourselves. Thank You that we have this amazing opportunity for You to show us and our children how much You love us and provide for us! And help me shrug off the burden of living up to the expectations of others...they probably don't expect anything anyway...I just fear that they do. Bless those who gave us this gift with the peace that they have obeyed You and in turn, helped out a part of their spiritual family. I love You, Abba! Amen!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Focus on the Weak Ones??
Took a little detour from John today, because of something I read in Forgotten God by Francis Chan.
He's writing about how if we're truly, living where, working at and doing the will of God...or where we like to say He has "called" us to be, then our lives should be making a difference in our neighborhoods, jobs, activities, and ministries. But many of us use this phrase to justify our nice home, nice job, expensive toys and lifestyle of pleasure and comfort.
He writes, "My purpose in posing these questions is not to convince you to "go into the ministry." I'm not about recruiting pastors or missionaries. My purpose in these questions is to get you to take I Corinthians 12 seriously, to believe that you have been given a manifestation of the Spirit and that your church, the worldwide body of Christ, and the world are crippled without your involvement."
Hmmm??? I'm supposed to take I Corinthians 12 seriously...I'd better read it & study it right?
So that's what I did and yeah, I've read it before, heard it preached many times...this is the passage that goes through the gifts of the Spirit and how they are all needed by the one body of the Church. None is more important than any other. The gifts are various (wisdom, knowledge, faith, affecting miracles, prophecy, distinguishing of spirits, various kinds of tongues and interpretation of tongues) but there is ONE Spirit, there is the same LORD.
A foot can't say it doesn't want to be part of the body, an eye can't choose to 'go it alone' or tell the hand, "I have no need of you." You get the idea...all gifts from the Spirit are given by Him, at His discretion and ALL are equally necessary to the Body of Christ, which is the Church (not a building...but the people!).
Then here's the lesson of the day: "And the eye cannot say to the hand, "I have no need of you"; or again the head to the feet, "I have no need of you." On the contrary, it is much truer that the members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary; and those members of the body which we deem less honorable, on these we bestow more abundant honor, and our less presentable members become much more presentable, whereas our more presentable members have no need of it. But God has so composed the body, giving more abundant honor to that member which lacked, so that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it." (I Corinthians 12:21-26)
I've highlighted the words that jumped off the page at me. We (I) have been so wrong. We've elevated the people in our churches that seem to have it all together, and Paul says those people have no need of it.
They have no need of the body? I've known a lot of people like that in my church life! While we've alienated or pushed aside the "weaker" parts...the ones that are struggling, hurting, falling apart, barely hanging on and are honest about it. But Paul writes that God wants just the opposite...we should bestow more honor on the weaker members. He even says they are necessary...why?
What happens when we focus more honor on the weak? (V. 25) "that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another."
No division in the Body?? I've never known a church like that...shoot, I've even caused some division I know! Why? Because I was focused (& thus displeased!) with the ones that seem to have it all together & didn't even need the Body.
If I'd been placing my focus & energy on the weaker members, I wouldn't have been so consumed with the people that were irritating me so much. (This goes back to my post about the phrase "When you're down, be a blessing to others.") Think about how much opportunity we've missed bestowing honor on someone who may desperately need it because we've been so busy trying to please the ones that don't really need the Body anyway!!
Yikes, God forgive me for my misplaced (& wasted!) energy.
You can even feel it in your spirit too, can't you?? When you sit in the presence of someone that is truly broken & can do nothing but place their entire life in the palm of God's hand & see where He takes them...you know there's something different, don't you?? (This does not refer to someone that's just wallowing, wanting attention and not seeking God for advice but rather wants pity & everyone else to do the work of healing for them.)
Back in James, he wrote, "My brethren, do not hold your faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ with an attitude of personal favoritism. For if a man comes into your assembly with a gold ring and dressed in fine clothes, and there also comes in a a poor man in dirty clothes, and you pay special attention to the one who is wearing the fine clothes, and say, "You sit here in a good place," and you say to the poor man, "You stand over there, or sit down by my footstool," have you not made distinctions among yourselves, and become judges with evil motives?" (2:1-4) This is a more financial and outward manifestation of what we do in our churches regarding spiritual gifts and spiritual leaders every day.
Why are we so devastated when a pastor or leader fails, sins and secretly runs away? Because we've elevated them into a place of honor God never meant for them to hold. Why do we turn to the ones that appear to "have it all together" and accept their advice with no question then beat ourselves up because "we just must not be as strong as________"? Because we don't trust the Holy Spirit to work in us & reveal the path and advice we should follow.
Don't get me wrong, God places amazing people in our lives because we were not intended to travel this journey alone. But when we're seeking direction, accountability and discernment are we approaching people because of who they are and the position they hold or because that person's been through something similar, humility is evidenced in their lives and the Holy Spirit has laid it on your heart to seek their counsel?? I am definitely guilty of the former!
In I Corinthians, Paul continues to write that all are not apostles, miracle workers, teachers, healers, speaking in tongues but that we should "earnestly desire the greater gifts" (He specifically mentions prophecy twice in 14:1 and 14:39) "And I will show you a better way."
What is that better way? It's chapter 13 or what we Christians call the Love Chapter. If you haven't read it...do it right now...for Love is the better way!
And honestly, the best counsel & wisdom I've EVER received was when I wasn't even looking for it...it was when I wanted to start exercising regularly, and someone I barely knew took me up on the offer...the amazing conversations we've had are still very dear to me; it was watching a pastor and his wife be unfairly torn apart and yet sticking to the message that God had given them that we all are loved; it was receiving letters of heartfelt sorrow from a young wife whose marriage was falling apart and she was still struggling with anger from a hurtful past; it was getting a call from a man who'd got caught doing something illegal & seeking my advice because of how he saw us handle my dad's situation; it's watching a single mom that has every right to wallow, throwing caution to the wind and saying, 'no matter what happens, I will serve the LORD!'; and it's an acquaintance persistently asking with true concern, 'how are you doing?' until I began to know her heart and trust that Holy Spirit had brought a true friend into my life.
None of these people sought to have a place of honor...but in their weakness...and in their love...I have been honored to know them!
He's writing about how if we're truly, living where, working at and doing the will of God...or where we like to say He has "called" us to be, then our lives should be making a difference in our neighborhoods, jobs, activities, and ministries. But many of us use this phrase to justify our nice home, nice job, expensive toys and lifestyle of pleasure and comfort.
He writes, "My purpose in posing these questions is not to convince you to "go into the ministry." I'm not about recruiting pastors or missionaries. My purpose in these questions is to get you to take I Corinthians 12 seriously, to believe that you have been given a manifestation of the Spirit and that your church, the worldwide body of Christ, and the world are crippled without your involvement."
Hmmm??? I'm supposed to take I Corinthians 12 seriously...I'd better read it & study it right?
So that's what I did and yeah, I've read it before, heard it preached many times...this is the passage that goes through the gifts of the Spirit and how they are all needed by the one body of the Church. None is more important than any other. The gifts are various (wisdom, knowledge, faith, affecting miracles, prophecy, distinguishing of spirits, various kinds of tongues and interpretation of tongues) but there is ONE Spirit, there is the same LORD.
A foot can't say it doesn't want to be part of the body, an eye can't choose to 'go it alone' or tell the hand, "I have no need of you." You get the idea...all gifts from the Spirit are given by Him, at His discretion and ALL are equally necessary to the Body of Christ, which is the Church (not a building...but the people!).
Then here's the lesson of the day: "And the eye cannot say to the hand, "I have no need of you"; or again the head to the feet, "I have no need of you." On the contrary, it is much truer that the members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary; and those members of the body which we deem less honorable, on these we bestow more abundant honor, and our less presentable members become much more presentable, whereas our more presentable members have no need of it. But God has so composed the body, giving more abundant honor to that member which lacked, so that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it." (I Corinthians 12:21-26)
I've highlighted the words that jumped off the page at me. We (I) have been so wrong. We've elevated the people in our churches that seem to have it all together, and Paul says those people have no need of it.
They have no need of the body? I've known a lot of people like that in my church life! While we've alienated or pushed aside the "weaker" parts...the ones that are struggling, hurting, falling apart, barely hanging on and are honest about it. But Paul writes that God wants just the opposite...we should bestow more honor on the weaker members. He even says they are necessary...why?
What happens when we focus more honor on the weak? (V. 25) "that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another."
No division in the Body?? I've never known a church like that...shoot, I've even caused some division I know! Why? Because I was focused (& thus displeased!) with the ones that seem to have it all together & didn't even need the Body.
If I'd been placing my focus & energy on the weaker members, I wouldn't have been so consumed with the people that were irritating me so much. (This goes back to my post about the phrase "When you're down, be a blessing to others.") Think about how much opportunity we've missed bestowing honor on someone who may desperately need it because we've been so busy trying to please the ones that don't really need the Body anyway!!
Yikes, God forgive me for my misplaced (& wasted!) energy.
You can even feel it in your spirit too, can't you?? When you sit in the presence of someone that is truly broken & can do nothing but place their entire life in the palm of God's hand & see where He takes them...you know there's something different, don't you?? (This does not refer to someone that's just wallowing, wanting attention and not seeking God for advice but rather wants pity & everyone else to do the work of healing for them.)
Back in James, he wrote, "My brethren, do not hold your faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ with an attitude of personal favoritism. For if a man comes into your assembly with a gold ring and dressed in fine clothes, and there also comes in a a poor man in dirty clothes, and you pay special attention to the one who is wearing the fine clothes, and say, "You sit here in a good place," and you say to the poor man, "You stand over there, or sit down by my footstool," have you not made distinctions among yourselves, and become judges with evil motives?" (2:1-4) This is a more financial and outward manifestation of what we do in our churches regarding spiritual gifts and spiritual leaders every day.
Why are we so devastated when a pastor or leader fails, sins and secretly runs away? Because we've elevated them into a place of honor God never meant for them to hold. Why do we turn to the ones that appear to "have it all together" and accept their advice with no question then beat ourselves up because "we just must not be as strong as________"? Because we don't trust the Holy Spirit to work in us & reveal the path and advice we should follow.
Don't get me wrong, God places amazing people in our lives because we were not intended to travel this journey alone. But when we're seeking direction, accountability and discernment are we approaching people because of who they are and the position they hold or because that person's been through something similar, humility is evidenced in their lives and the Holy Spirit has laid it on your heart to seek their counsel?? I am definitely guilty of the former!
In I Corinthians, Paul continues to write that all are not apostles, miracle workers, teachers, healers, speaking in tongues but that we should "earnestly desire the greater gifts" (He specifically mentions prophecy twice in 14:1 and 14:39) "And I will show you a better way."
What is that better way? It's chapter 13 or what we Christians call the Love Chapter. If you haven't read it...do it right now...for Love is the better way!
And honestly, the best counsel & wisdom I've EVER received was when I wasn't even looking for it...it was when I wanted to start exercising regularly, and someone I barely knew took me up on the offer...the amazing conversations we've had are still very dear to me; it was watching a pastor and his wife be unfairly torn apart and yet sticking to the message that God had given them that we all are loved; it was receiving letters of heartfelt sorrow from a young wife whose marriage was falling apart and she was still struggling with anger from a hurtful past; it was getting a call from a man who'd got caught doing something illegal & seeking my advice because of how he saw us handle my dad's situation; it's watching a single mom that has every right to wallow, throwing caution to the wind and saying, 'no matter what happens, I will serve the LORD!'; and it's an acquaintance persistently asking with true concern, 'how are you doing?' until I began to know her heart and trust that Holy Spirit had brought a true friend into my life.
None of these people sought to have a place of honor...but in their weakness...and in their love...I have been honored to know them!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
What does it matter to you??
Last week, I finished marking the book of John. I'm starting to work my way back through it to label the chapters with a title or theme. But as I finished Chapter 21, which is the last one in the book of John, something I've read before and even heard sermons about leapt out & hit me upside the head.
Jesus asks Peter three times if Peter loves Him. Of course Peter says he does. But there's an interesting twist in the words. All three times, Jesus is using the word that is the root of what we call agape or unconditional love, benevolence. But all three times Peter use the phileo version of love which is to be a friend or have an affection for.
This is all post-resurrection and it seems as if Peter still doesn't get what Jesus is calling him to. So since he's been asked three times in quick succession and this is followed up by Jesus speaking the prophecy of Peter's death, it's almost like Peter is trying to shirk off the "bright lights" and do some good old deflecting of attention next.
He sees the "disciple whom Jesus loved" (agape again) and asks basically...'Well, what about him?' And Jesus pretty much says, 'If I want him to live until I come again, what does that matter to you? YOU follow me!"
A lot of this I've heard or read before many times...but Holy Spirit KNEW I needed to hear this call right now! I've been struggling for months about trying to speak something that would help a person I know with some spiritual issues they're having...but never have known what to say. I've prayed, I've carried a burden, I've pondered what I could say or do to help and just realized a few weeks ago why it has bothered me so much. I want them to know the joy, peace and daily excitement of being surrendered to God's will...not their own. I've wanted to spare them having to learn all of these things the hard way like I have. I've wanted to see them come fully alive (which Sara Groves writes "The glory of God is man fully alive!") and have even gotten more than a little angry and discouraged that they've seemed to dig in their heels and turn the other way.
So through a series of events and conversations, I've finally felt released of this burden. I know there's nothing I can do, this is something they have to do on their own. I can just be there to help if I'm asked.
The very next day after realizing all of this, I read John 21 and all that I wrote about above. I could almost hear Holy Spirit saying to my heart, "What does it matter to you how I call/deal with/teach/challenge/grow______________? You follow me, Angela...that's what I want!"
Ugh! This process of being stripped down and becoming stream-lined is much more difficult than I anticipated because so much of what I get bogged down with seems to be good stuff and is downright subtle. I mean after all, these were spiritual matters I was dwelling on right?
Aren't we supposed to carry one another's burdens? Yes, but only if they want us to help carry it. I can't make it my burden when they don't want me to.
And ultimately, I'm holding these people up to MY standard of what I think they're spiritual life should look like. I do believe we are known by the evidence of the fruit of the Spirit in our lives, but it's never been nor never will be my place to determine how Holy Spirit grows that fruit into their lives.
So once again...I took my eyes off of God and was fretting about someone else...and that is not what He wants me to do...ever!
Time to recite yet again, "He must increase and I must decrease.", I need to be about "My Abba's business" and remember (another Sara Groves) "This journey is my own." I don't want anyone imposing their opinions on my journey and I can't do that to them either!
Jesus asks Peter three times if Peter loves Him. Of course Peter says he does. But there's an interesting twist in the words. All three times, Jesus is using the word that is the root of what we call agape or unconditional love, benevolence. But all three times Peter use the phileo version of love which is to be a friend or have an affection for.
This is all post-resurrection and it seems as if Peter still doesn't get what Jesus is calling him to. So since he's been asked three times in quick succession and this is followed up by Jesus speaking the prophecy of Peter's death, it's almost like Peter is trying to shirk off the "bright lights" and do some good old deflecting of attention next.
He sees the "disciple whom Jesus loved" (agape again) and asks basically...'Well, what about him?' And Jesus pretty much says, 'If I want him to live until I come again, what does that matter to you? YOU follow me!"
A lot of this I've heard or read before many times...but Holy Spirit KNEW I needed to hear this call right now! I've been struggling for months about trying to speak something that would help a person I know with some spiritual issues they're having...but never have known what to say. I've prayed, I've carried a burden, I've pondered what I could say or do to help and just realized a few weeks ago why it has bothered me so much. I want them to know the joy, peace and daily excitement of being surrendered to God's will...not their own. I've wanted to spare them having to learn all of these things the hard way like I have. I've wanted to see them come fully alive (which Sara Groves writes "The glory of God is man fully alive!") and have even gotten more than a little angry and discouraged that they've seemed to dig in their heels and turn the other way.
So through a series of events and conversations, I've finally felt released of this burden. I know there's nothing I can do, this is something they have to do on their own. I can just be there to help if I'm asked.
The very next day after realizing all of this, I read John 21 and all that I wrote about above. I could almost hear Holy Spirit saying to my heart, "What does it matter to you how I call/deal with/teach/challenge/grow______________? You follow me, Angela...that's what I want!"
Ugh! This process of being stripped down and becoming stream-lined is much more difficult than I anticipated because so much of what I get bogged down with seems to be good stuff and is downright subtle. I mean after all, these were spiritual matters I was dwelling on right?
Aren't we supposed to carry one another's burdens? Yes, but only if they want us to help carry it. I can't make it my burden when they don't want me to.
And ultimately, I'm holding these people up to MY standard of what I think they're spiritual life should look like. I do believe we are known by the evidence of the fruit of the Spirit in our lives, but it's never been nor never will be my place to determine how Holy Spirit grows that fruit into their lives.
So once again...I took my eyes off of God and was fretting about someone else...and that is not what He wants me to do...ever!
Time to recite yet again, "He must increase and I must decrease.", I need to be about "My Abba's business" and remember (another Sara Groves) "This journey is my own." I don't want anyone imposing their opinions on my journey and I can't do that to them either!
Monday, October 11, 2010
And yet, again...
God miraculously provided for us! How He put this one all together just blows me away. It happened 10 days ago and it's taken me this long to write it down, because I can't even process how He did it.
But the MOST amazing part of it all was that as I began to fret and worry on that Thursday night, my wonderful Dale looked at me and said, "It's a long time until Tuesday." He was SO right...it only took until Saturday afternoon!!!!
Then as I processed how God's provision had happened, I said, 'I just keep thinking that at some point we will have used up our bank account of blessings.' Dale's response? "I don't think we've utilized it enough!" Wow! What a man!
And Wow...what an amazing God we serve!
But the MOST amazing part of it all was that as I began to fret and worry on that Thursday night, my wonderful Dale looked at me and said, "It's a long time until Tuesday." He was SO right...it only took until Saturday afternoon!!!!
Then as I processed how God's provision had happened, I said, 'I just keep thinking that at some point we will have used up our bank account of blessings.' Dale's response? "I don't think we've utilized it enough!" Wow! What a man!
And Wow...what an amazing God we serve!
Thankful
I've commented on here several times about various books that Holy Spirit has guided me to read in the last few months...but sometimes, he reminds me to REread a book that has previously meant a lot to me or impacted me. Other than the occasional Jane Austen indulgence, I seem to be discontent reading many of the types of books I would have used for escapism in the past.
Since last March when we moved, He's led me back to The Raggamuffin Gospel and The Signature of Jesus both by Brennan Manning, Crazy Love by Francis Chan, Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers (a novel, but with a powerful message!) and recently, Created to Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl. I am even working my 3rd time through Forgotten God (also Francis Chan) by using it as a focal starting point for getting my head in the right space before I spend time in the Bible.
None of these are for the faint of heart and all of them have been used in some way (small or HUGE) to help shape me into the person I am today. But the Debi Pearl book is probably the most controversial one by far. I was reminded of that in a recent conversation where I read only a few paragraphs.
ALL of these books and every book I ever read, I try to read with a discerning heart. I may not stop and consciously pray before I read them, but I'm a bit skeptical at my core and usually "chew" on things for a while before I accept them as truth. The first time I read Created to Be His Help Meet I intentionally read it to "glean" what God wanted me to learn and not attempt to believe and put into practice ALL of the lessons she shared. I do recall almost having panic attacks trying to be the "perfect helper" for my husband! Yet, as I did put some of these things into practice, my husband told me he thought we were happier than we had ever been in our marriage before.
That was now exactly four years ago and a LOT has happened in that time. When I pulled out the book again about two years ago, Dale basically told me he didn't want me reading it again and stressing out like I had before...I quickly assured him that I was not the same person who read it the first time and he added that neither was he...to which I did agree!
So now, I've begun my third reading and he hasn't even batted an eye. As much as I'd changed two years ago (breaking spiritual strongholds regarding issues with family; finally settling in to the fact that my great purpose in this life is to break the cycle of stuff that had been handed down to me; building my relationships with Dale & the kids & making them a priority instead of the expectations of extended family; and learning submission to him), now two years further down the road, I don't even recognize that person!!
For all of the restlessness I've felt about how and where to serve, I do see that I'm a much more settled person. For all of the human desire I still have to hear other people say they understand and approve of my actions and intents, I do wish (finally!) to have God's approval above all others. For all the attempts that the enemy makes to try to deceive me that this path we've chosen is somehow unfair to our kids or we could somehow do more good if we just had more money, I do see God rewarding our obedience almost daily.
All of that to say that each time I reread one of these books, I am yet again, a different person...and for someone that absolutely loves change as much as I do...that is magnificent!!(Sometime ask Dale about how much I used to move furniture around the first 11 years or so of our marriage!)
So tonight, the passage I read in Debi Pearl's book spoke about thankfulness...and unfortunately, I realized this is one area where I haven't changed enough! I have been deeply thankful as God has supernaturally provided for us over the last almost two years. But truth be told, I haven't expressed thanks to God often enough for the things that should matter most to me...I guess I've taken them for granted. And that saddens me, because I know, maybe more than some people how quickly things can...well...change.
There's no way this is all inclusive, but as I couldn't get to sleep I thought, 'I just need to go type out a list and make it official'. All of this has just been a really long explanation of why I needed to write my thankful list at 11 p.m. when I should be in bed.
I'm thankful for:
1. A man that has challenged me, defended me, loved me and provided for me for 16.5 years. I'm frequently astonished to see how much we have grown alike especially, in the last few years.
2. A teenage daughter that is very artistic, creative, caring, has a beautiful singing voice, is truly beautiful and has a beautiful soul. She's also beginning to feel compassion for friends and others and has a true gift of being relational.
3. A pre-teen son that makes me laugh daily with his impeccable comedic timing, shares my love of watching sports, talks to me incessantly sometimes, has passion and drive (when he wants to) and isn't afraid to show his emotions.
4. A daughter whose dry wit catches me off-guard frequently, is smarter than most kids I know, loves to devour books, is overly caring and giving to her younger sister, is confident being herself (she did NOT get that from her parents!) and puts up with a LOT as the middle child.
5. A youngest daughter that still likes to cuddle, whose eyes light up and dance when she smiles, who loves to be around people and is truly distressed when someone is hurt or crying. She also has passion and compassion beyond most kids I've known that are her age.
6. A friendship forged through the fires of similar trials. Someone to lean on and to hopefully help prop up in return. A friend that speaks the truth and actually wants to spend time with me, values my opinion and feels free to share her own.
7. Some new friendships that began because I wanted to help them, but in their single circumstances have inspired me to have strength for whatever may come my way. They are TRULY a blessing to behold! God has a special place in His heart for single moms!
8. A church that has taught me that I know I can grow when I don't go...to stick it out and stick together even in the tough times. We may not always agree, but lessons can be learned and life-change can happen if we just don't run away from the Truth.
9. Too many other things to list, but most importantly...
10. An Abba who for some reason I will never understand, decided to pick me up out of my "miry pit" and set me on HIS path. I don't think I could ever remember all of the influences in my life that have brought me to the place I am today...but I am thankful for every single one of them! Mostly, I'm just thankful that He didn't give up on me and kept putting those authors, songwriters, friends, church people and family members in my path.
God, I pray that as much as You give me the ability to remember, with every breath I take, I will recount all of the millions of reasons I have to be thankful. If I just start at the beginning, it will take me a lifetime to give You praise for each and every one. Please remind me...I don't ever want to forget how AMAZINGLY kind and generous You have been to me. Amen!
Since last March when we moved, He's led me back to The Raggamuffin Gospel and The Signature of Jesus both by Brennan Manning, Crazy Love by Francis Chan, Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers (a novel, but with a powerful message!) and recently, Created to Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl. I am even working my 3rd time through Forgotten God (also Francis Chan) by using it as a focal starting point for getting my head in the right space before I spend time in the Bible.
None of these are for the faint of heart and all of them have been used in some way (small or HUGE) to help shape me into the person I am today. But the Debi Pearl book is probably the most controversial one by far. I was reminded of that in a recent conversation where I read only a few paragraphs.
ALL of these books and every book I ever read, I try to read with a discerning heart. I may not stop and consciously pray before I read them, but I'm a bit skeptical at my core and usually "chew" on things for a while before I accept them as truth. The first time I read Created to Be His Help Meet I intentionally read it to "glean" what God wanted me to learn and not attempt to believe and put into practice ALL of the lessons she shared. I do recall almost having panic attacks trying to be the "perfect helper" for my husband! Yet, as I did put some of these things into practice, my husband told me he thought we were happier than we had ever been in our marriage before.
That was now exactly four years ago and a LOT has happened in that time. When I pulled out the book again about two years ago, Dale basically told me he didn't want me reading it again and stressing out like I had before...I quickly assured him that I was not the same person who read it the first time and he added that neither was he...to which I did agree!
So now, I've begun my third reading and he hasn't even batted an eye. As much as I'd changed two years ago (breaking spiritual strongholds regarding issues with family; finally settling in to the fact that my great purpose in this life is to break the cycle of stuff that had been handed down to me; building my relationships with Dale & the kids & making them a priority instead of the expectations of extended family; and learning submission to him), now two years further down the road, I don't even recognize that person!!
For all of the restlessness I've felt about how and where to serve, I do see that I'm a much more settled person. For all of the human desire I still have to hear other people say they understand and approve of my actions and intents, I do wish (finally!) to have God's approval above all others. For all the attempts that the enemy makes to try to deceive me that this path we've chosen is somehow unfair to our kids or we could somehow do more good if we just had more money, I do see God rewarding our obedience almost daily.
All of that to say that each time I reread one of these books, I am yet again, a different person...and for someone that absolutely loves change as much as I do...that is magnificent!!(Sometime ask Dale about how much I used to move furniture around the first 11 years or so of our marriage!)
So tonight, the passage I read in Debi Pearl's book spoke about thankfulness...and unfortunately, I realized this is one area where I haven't changed enough! I have been deeply thankful as God has supernaturally provided for us over the last almost two years. But truth be told, I haven't expressed thanks to God often enough for the things that should matter most to me...I guess I've taken them for granted. And that saddens me, because I know, maybe more than some people how quickly things can...well...change.
There's no way this is all inclusive, but as I couldn't get to sleep I thought, 'I just need to go type out a list and make it official'. All of this has just been a really long explanation of why I needed to write my thankful list at 11 p.m. when I should be in bed.
I'm thankful for:
1. A man that has challenged me, defended me, loved me and provided for me for 16.5 years. I'm frequently astonished to see how much we have grown alike especially, in the last few years.
2. A teenage daughter that is very artistic, creative, caring, has a beautiful singing voice, is truly beautiful and has a beautiful soul. She's also beginning to feel compassion for friends and others and has a true gift of being relational.
3. A pre-teen son that makes me laugh daily with his impeccable comedic timing, shares my love of watching sports, talks to me incessantly sometimes, has passion and drive (when he wants to) and isn't afraid to show his emotions.
4. A daughter whose dry wit catches me off-guard frequently, is smarter than most kids I know, loves to devour books, is overly caring and giving to her younger sister, is confident being herself (she did NOT get that from her parents!) and puts up with a LOT as the middle child.
5. A youngest daughter that still likes to cuddle, whose eyes light up and dance when she smiles, who loves to be around people and is truly distressed when someone is hurt or crying. She also has passion and compassion beyond most kids I've known that are her age.
6. A friendship forged through the fires of similar trials. Someone to lean on and to hopefully help prop up in return. A friend that speaks the truth and actually wants to spend time with me, values my opinion and feels free to share her own.
7. Some new friendships that began because I wanted to help them, but in their single circumstances have inspired me to have strength for whatever may come my way. They are TRULY a blessing to behold! God has a special place in His heart for single moms!
8. A church that has taught me that I know I can grow when I don't go...to stick it out and stick together even in the tough times. We may not always agree, but lessons can be learned and life-change can happen if we just don't run away from the Truth.
9. Too many other things to list, but most importantly...
10. An Abba who for some reason I will never understand, decided to pick me up out of my "miry pit" and set me on HIS path. I don't think I could ever remember all of the influences in my life that have brought me to the place I am today...but I am thankful for every single one of them! Mostly, I'm just thankful that He didn't give up on me and kept putting those authors, songwriters, friends, church people and family members in my path.
God, I pray that as much as You give me the ability to remember, with every breath I take, I will recount all of the millions of reasons I have to be thankful. If I just start at the beginning, it will take me a lifetime to give You praise for each and every one. Please remind me...I don't ever want to forget how AMAZINGLY kind and generous You have been to me. Amen!
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