What Word to Use?

Right now, I'm reminded of a Sara Groves song where she sings, "So many words to say, but I'm opting for silence." I never want to be silent about who God is or what He has done, but it's truly...that words...fail.

How do you thank or describe a God that even in the midst of your worry, doubt and fear gives you the faith to cling onto Him and not let go?

How do you thank a God who gives you the determination to recommit to setting aside a portion of any blessings that He gives you...not just monetary, but other blessings too...even if it means things will be tighter than is comfortable?

How do you describe a God that challenges you to commit to asking Him to hear Him and that you'll obey as soon as you do?

How do you describe a God who gives you blessing after blessing in the last month to reinforce the faith He's already given you?

And can you fathom a God that asks you to do something, gives you the courage despite your circumstances to commit to obeying Him, plus has a sense of humor to know that you wouldn't have opportunity to obey until the following day and yet keeps you distracted long enough to miss going to the mail that day to see that He'd already sent you a blessing equal to more than six times what you'd already promised Him you would give?

If none of this makes sense, I apologize...yet...it also proves my point that words fail. So what Word would I use? Just one...

Awe.

I Owe You an Apology

If you've bothered to stick with me through the last few months, I owe you an apology. From the beginning, I wanted this blog to be a source or encouragement, truth, hope and authentic Christian living. Well, I may have been truthful and authentic, but I was anything but encouraging and hopeful. For this, I am sincerely sorry.

I do hope that even in the midst of this latest gloom-fest, you did at least sense that I was trying to find the meaning or the purpose or the "silver lining" of it all. I do pray that I communicated well that God was continually faithful in His provision, His teaching and most of all, His love for me. I do believe that even in the midst of my grief (for lack of a better word), He could use some tiny iota of truth that spoke to your heart and either challenged or encouraged you. But mostly, I do know that He was faithful and will continue to be and I do know that even in the midst of my ridiculous worrying, fretting, doubting and self-indulgent pity I communicated through it all that I knew it was me who had the issue...not Him. I did have a lot of questions, but I'm far enough into this to know to ask them the right way...or so I thought.

You see, I was asking why I couldn't hear Him or why was I running from Him or why did I doubt Him when He's been faithful all along. In some way, I guess those questions were valid. I think where I went wrong was to whom I was directing the questions. Was I asking the One who held the answers? Of course not, or I wouldn't have been in this silly slump to begin with! No, I was asking myself and expecting myself to come up with the answer and then getting even more discouraged with myself for not solving whatever the issue was that I couldn't figure out in the first place. Warped? I'll own it...yes it is.

So how did He pull me out of the slump? Well, it started with the realization that He's the one that I needed to let do the pulling. Then I told Him I was going to hang on and not let go know matter where He took me in my thoughts and prayers and that even if He never spoke to me again, I was hanging on for dear life. I asked Him to give me His eyes to see the blessings all around me...even in the little things. I begged Him to hear His voice again. And I asked Him to interrupt my day with songs, scripture, prayer requests and anything that would turn me back to Him. And of course...He was faithful to do all of this and more.

Yet again...we never went without a meal, we never missed a rent payment, we never ran out of gas by the side of the road and we never had to turn someone down who needed help in some way. In an effort at full disclosure, there where times we had to turn down going to see friends or running here and there because of limited funds...but the world did not even begin to crumble because of the choices we had to make.

What I love is that this time, He didn't start giving us financial blessings so that I would have faith. No, this time He gave me the faith...and then came the blessings. There are truly too many songs...too many conversations with Dale, the kids or others...too many scriptures...too many itty bitty delights to recall all in this post to try to sum up how God's Spirit has encouraged and comforted during this leg of the journey. I do have to share two though because they were huge.

When I met with my friend Lori, the conversation quickly came around to my slump...even though I had resolutely determined to not make it all about me. After some tears and some honest frustration and doubt, I said, "I'm sorry that I'm whining." Praise God, He spoke loud and clear through my soft-spoken friend's voice when she quickly said, "I don't think you're whining...I think you're under attack." I cannot describe to you the weight that fell off in that moment and in less than 24 hours when the doubts began their assault again, this time I was ready. That's been almost three weeks ago and when I met my friend Kari this past week, she said she could even tell a difference in my face...I looked more "uplifted".

Since God used Lori to speak truth to my heart, I took an honest assessment of why do I keep falling into this pit? Once again, because I thought for some almost-humorous-because-it's-so-absurd reason that this life was all about me. And in the meantime, the Holy Spirit drew me back to Crazy Love and Forgotten God, both by Francis Chan. These are two books that changed my life forever and just within the last two days, I read yet again how my worry and doubt both "reek of arrogance"...that somehow my problems are more than the "Creator of the Universe can handle". Shame on me!

But here's the one that yesterday bit me in the posterior (okay, at least I'm trying to watch my language a little more).

"I think we all could agree that living "according to our sinful flesh" is not what is intended for us as children of God. Yet even so, we often choose to face life's issues and circumstances in exactly the same way as someone without the Spirit of God. We worry, strive, and grieve no differently than unbelievers."

Ouch!

Chan asks some tough questions too:  If I'm supposed to be "living by the Spirit" (see Galatians 5:22-23, NASB) then shouldn't I exhibit more "more kindness and faithfulness than the Mormons you know?" Do I have "more self-control than your Muslim friends?" And the one that really hit me in the right place, shouldn't I have "more peace than Buddhists? More joy than atheists?"

Yikes!

And thus, the reason I felt compelled to apologize to you, the reader that stumbled this way looking for some "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control" and yes...hope. I was lost in myself for awhile and not turning to or pointing others toward Him...for that...I am deeply sorry. May it never happen again. Realistically, if Jesus waits a little longer before returning...it may. But I know once again God's Spirit will be faithful to speak truth to my soul if I'm listening. My prayer is that next time I listen more quickly. 

Amen!

Mentioned in this post:

You Should Watch This Movie

I'll warn you right up front that if you have delicate sensibilities, you will be offended. But yes, I'm telling you that you should still watch this movie.

This rated-R biopic starring Gerard Butler is based on the real life story of Sam Childers, a former drug dealer who has led a team of people that have saved and cared for thousands of children, mostly orphans, in southern Sudan. This is the area of East Africa that has been haunted and terrorized by Joseph Koni and the LRA for several decades. You don't have to research very long on the internet to find a list of atrocities perpetrated by Koni and his army.

Yes, there are prolific F-bombs and even some mild sexual content (no bare body parts!) but if you've ever wondered if God can use you...watch this movie and you will no longer doubt. This man is far from perfect, but he's a sinner saved by grace just like we all are. The movie is raw and difficult to watch at times because of this flawed human being...but that's exactly why you should watch it. You see, just because he was dunked in a baptistry one time, he didn't come up out of the water and never fail again. The movie doesn't gloss over Childer's failings and for a person that doesn't like it when I fail...it's tough to watch someone else who messes up too.

But I'm glad I did watch the movie. It's a reminder that God can take anyone...and I mean anyone...and transform their journey into something beautiful...a journey that goes from destroying lives to saving them.

If you'd like to know more about Sam Childers, you can check out his website at MachineGunPreacher.org

Have You Heard This Song?

We've sung this song a few times in the R3VOLUTION service at First Church and both times, I've honestly wanted to be a fool for Jesus!!! I'm about to the point where I don't care if I'd embarrass myself or my kids. Just envision two to three hundred people singing this song together in full-blown worship...you get the idea.

It incorporates in the lyrics what's called the Apostles' Creed by Christians and also The Lord's Prayer. Here's a link to the text of the Apostles' Creed and The Lord's Prayer Read them...contemplate them...ask yourself if you truly believe them and are willing to do absolutely whatever it takes so you can teach as many people as possible what these words mean...better yet, the relationship that begins with the Creator of the Universe when they embrace these truths...then listen to the song again.

Actually, I think I need to start listening to this as my wake up song every morning.

AAAAAAAMen!

It's the Little Things

I hope I don't get in trouble for boring the image above, but when I looked for a Google image under "little things" this one came up with the tag "God of the little things"...and I really liked that.

He is the God of the little things, isn't He? Take us and where we are right now for example. He knows our needs, our wants, our desires and even that right now mostly what we're focused on are the needs and one by one He takes care of them. I've whined so much about issues with seeing the "big picture" lately, that I need to just stop and thank Him for the little things. What I often fail to remember is that all of those little things do add up to the "big picture".

How?

As I've shared recently that I'm just going to praise Him and hang on no matter what, He has quietly, faithfully and even in a timely manner, taken care of exactly what we need on exactly the day we need it. When I wonder if we'll have milk by the weekend, He sends not one...but two different friends with some almond milks that they "just can't use anymore". When I grow concerned that we won't have any fresh produce on hand (which is really more of a preference for healthy eating rather than an actual need!) and will be eating out of cans and boxes...here comes a friend with some tomatoes, cucumbers and squash to share from her own garden and we volunteer at Henry Hosea house "coincidentally" when they have a lot of tomatoes and green peppers to give away. Probably the one that hit me the most...a coworker of Dale's, that makes no claim to faith "happens" to give us a bunch of sweet, juicy peaches from a tree in her backyard. Yes...God can even move the hearts of those that don't claim to know Him when He has a need to meet.

Another blessing is a family we've known that is moving away this week offers to give us some of their frozen foods they can't pack with them. Guess what? They just "happen" to eat a mostly vegan diet (like I attempt to do) and what she was offering was several packages of meat substitutes that we could definitely use.

I'm afraid that I have to confess that I've been so busy looking for the big picture or more accurately the big lesson in my latest struggle that I've selfishly neglected the numerous blessings along the way. The blessings that have mattered most have not even been the tangible ones...it's been the reinforcement of treasured Scriptures just when I need them...it's been the quiet Voice of the One who holds me reassuring me that He has not left...it's been 2 1/2 good weeks of home schooling where I don't feel like I've been battling the kids every day...it's the reminder from my Abba that He is not the author of the confusion and doubt and that I need to battle the one that is hurling those arrows at me...it's also the friend who quietly, compassionately listened as I had a little meltdown and lovingly assured me that I'm not whining but instead affirmed that I'm under attack...and it's an amazing God who gave me a vivid, what-could-have-been-horrifying dream last night where absolutely my worst fear of a potential tragedy was playing out. How is that a blessing? Because the dream didn't end until He had proven that He is faithful and will continue to take care of us even if my worst fear does become reality.

So instead of waking up in a cold sweat, I peacefully woke up at 4:48 this morning with a line from a song we sang Sunday morning ringing through my head: "He makes all things work together for our good." Praise His Name! I continued to doze off and on for the next two hours with that song running through my head with every waking thought...I have a feeling it consumed my sleeping thoughts too!

And there it is...all of the little things that add up to the "big picture" or "big lesson"...He will continue to be faithful...He will continue to hold us up by His righteous right hand...With His Sovereign hand upon me, everything that comes at me can be used for my good and His glory...There will be an end to these troubles some day and they are "light and momentary" when compared to an eternity with Him...but mostly,,,well...He's just God...and that's enough for me.

Amen!

Why Do I Do It?

Doubt.

If you back up and look at posts over the last month or so, you'll remember how I've been struggling. But last Thursday, I shared how I was going to be Hanging On and not letting go of God, no matter what. Well guess what? As He always does...He provided once again. Truly...I am deeply ashamed at my lack of faith. The words of the father who wanted his son to be healed by Jesus echo frequently within my heart and mind. "I believe...Forgive my unbelief!" Yep, I quoted it many times over the last week.

And the theme that keeps coming back over and over again, is ceaseless praise. Scripture says to do it in many places and last week I had to "just do it". Whether I felt like it or not...whether we had what we need or not...whether God was obvious or not...I just had to make myself praise Him. I know He's teaching me this lesson of "praising Him for who He is and not for what He does." I'm just struggling to learn the difference.

After all, what He does is so closely tied to who He is that I can't always tell where one ends and the other begins. For example, He loves us and chooses grace instead of zapping us with lightning bolts when we sin. Well, I should praise Him because God is Love...but honestly, I praise Him because of what He does in this example. I guess, I'm actually praising Him for what He doesn't do...zap me. That's a simplistic example maybe, but hopefully, you get the idea.

Bottom line...I chose to hang on and not let go and some days that involved simply thanking Him for a comfy bed; non-stylish clothes on my back; food on the table; an old van with a little gas in it; a good day of home schooling the kids and so many free schooling resources on the Internet; that the electricity was still on and we could choose to even use the A/C; that we are within walking distance of our bank and a grocery store if we need it; that my husband has stuck with me all these years even though I'm a tough bird to live with; and that even though times are tough...we're still richer than at least 50% of the world.

Comparing myself to the standard set by this culture will never bring contentment. Instead, I was already taking the advice of Habakkuk 3:17-19a and not coincidentally, it was one of the references for Jesus Calling that I read a few days ago:

"Though the fig tree should not blossom
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stalls,
Yet I will exult in the LORD. 
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
The Lord God is my strength..."

Lesson for the summer? No matter the circumstances...still I will praise Him!
Amen!

Reflections On a Fiscal Year

As I was catching up today on our financial statements for Boundless Ministries, I realized we began reporting our finances as a ministry in July of 2011. That means the end of July 2012, completed one full fiscal year for us. When I looked back over the figures, I few things stood out and I think are worth drawing attention to. Why? Because they show just what an awesome God we serve.

[If anyone cares to verify my numbers, you can access all financial statements on my Scribd.com page]

In brief, during the 2011-2012 fiscal year, we received $1893.76 in donations for Boundless Ministries. $282.46 of this amount was from us because of blessings we received and tithed a portion of or a need arose that God provided an opportunity for us to meet. From the outset of establishing this ministry, we felt the Holy Spirit's leading to accept 25% of any donations as income to help support us as we served. We have not always done this because sometimes $25 came in at exactly the time we need $25 for a Single Moms' Night Out, etc. Overall, when the numbers are tallied, we accepted about 17.7% income from donations made to Boundless Ministries. Subtracting out our donations to the ministry, we received about 2.8% in income.

Why do I share this? I wish you could know my heart and understand that it is not in anyway to brag on us. No, I want to "Boast in the Lord!" (see I Corinthians 1:31)

And the mind-boggling, amazing, awesome, insert any superlative, thing that I realize...yet, again...is that even though I whine and beg and complain to Him to the point of being annoying...God has never failed us! We remain amply fed, adequately housed and clothed, healthy and loved by a God that knows better than we do what we need. Plus, He's not just providing for us, but through His Holy Spirit's inspiration, donations have helped feed, provide heat, provide gasoline and generally care for single moms and their children.

What is my hope and prayer that you'll take away from this? First, that you're never too poor to give...never. In fact, I'll be so bold as to declare that if you believe that you are, then you're believing a lie from your enemy. I know that to be the case when I think I'm too poor to give.

Secondly, my prayer is that our lives would be a living testimony that the God of the universe is still a God of provision, care, compassion and infinite Love for those who call Him Abba!

Amen!

p.s. If you've been following my whining lately...I do need to give God praise for yet more blessings through this past week. Yes, I doubt way too much and way too often...but He never fails!

Financial Statement for July 2012

Here's the July 2012 Financial Statement for Boundless Ministries...a little closer to schedule than was June's version. Again, not much has changed...but there was a little change (pun completely intended!) in the finances for July. God always remains faithful to provide, just exactly when it's needed and when it will bring Him the most glory!
Amen

Financial Statement for June 2012

Yeah...I know it's very late. But if you click on the link to the Financial Statement for June 2012, you'll see there really wasn't anything to report. So better late than never...right?

God is good and always provides in just His right timing! Amen!


Somehow, some way, after January 2012 I inadvertently removed the Year-to-Date totals from the Financial Statements. I'm sure it had something to do with working crazy hours during peak tax season. I've now amended my documents to reflect these totals.

Bi-monthly Prayer Requests and Updates

Here's the link to our beginning/end of month Prayer Requests and Updates

If you would ever like to join us as a Prayer Partner for Boundless Ministries, send me an e-mail with "Prayer Partner" in the subject line. Prayer Partners are an integral part of all we do.

Archived April 2012 Prayer Requests

4/25/12: Mom of 2 that home schools is experiencing conflict with her ex-husband of the education of her children. He's gone so far as to sue for sole custody. Please pray for this mom's peace, for understanding and openness to home schooling by the authorities that will be presiding over this future decision. Pray for the mom as she struggles financially, emotionally and physically under this burden that has been hurled upon her. Also, please pray for peace for her children. 5/18/12: Trial date set for the end of May. Please continue to pray. 6/12/12: Judge has extended the trial date so that psychiatric evaluations may be performed.

4/16/12: We have the next Single Moms' Night Out scheduled for Friday, May 18th. Please be in prayer that the moms who need this break will feel comfortable taking advantage of this opportunity. Also, please pray for volunteers and donations to come forward as God leads and provides like He always does. See 5/18/12 update for 5/6/12 request.

4/16/12: Mom of 4 requests prayer for her tenants in a rental property to cooperate so she can move back in by May 8th. Also that her ex-husbands trial/plea bargain process to finish smoothly and for her divorce to finalize in the near future. Update 5/25/12: Mom and family have settled back into their home. 

Just Hanging On!

Anyone that knows me, knows that I'm verbose. Yet, if you're a frequent reader, you may notice that I've been unusually silent. To be honest...I'm struggling. Nothing new...I know. But, if nothing else, I do try to be honest about my struggles. Yet, I've hesitated to post too much because I really just feel like I'm being whiny. A dear friend assured me about a week ago that I am not...but I just can't help feeling like a big 'ol whiny baby.

I mean, I have so much to be thankful for and 90% of those aren't financial. I'm reading through Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger, and while I'm being challenged because we live in one of the wealthiest, most consumer-driven nations on Earth, it's also been causing me a lot of angst I think. Analyzing the reason for this, I can see that there are some deep-rooted issues and misconceptions about Him that God is trying to weed out and unfortunately, I've been hanging on to these issues more tightly than I've been hanging on to Him.

You see, I keep reading this book and telling myself (or allowing my enemy to tell me), "But, I'm not a rich Christian," "I have nothing left to give", "Giving time, a listening ear and prayer, just don't seem like enough". In the meantime, I'm finding myself a little resentful. Ouch! Ripping the bandaid off the self-pity wound here...hang on a minute. This is going to show just how ugly and twisted my thought processes are... I keep thinking..."I'm not the one that needs to read this book, yet, I can't go hand it to a rich Christian and say, 'You need to read this.'" And when I truly grasp our financial circumstances, we make less than many of the people we want to serve when you calculate government assistance and wages together. So far, government assistance has not been God's path of provision for us...it may be some day...but not for now. I fully support those that use government assistance while they are working or going to school and have no other means to survive...it's just not been His plan for our family for some reason that only He knows. [Hope that is understood and doesn't piss off anyone! Just a truth for our family alone.]

So this ugliness of bitterness, resentment, judgment, criticism, fear, doubt, worry, etc., etc., etc., has kept me from embracing and become the woman that God created me to be...one who loves Him above all else and defends and supports the poor and downtrodden, particularly single moms and their families. Instead, I've been wallowing and worrying...two W's that do not exist peacefully with the W I should be doing...Worship! God's brought me face to face with this ugliness and He's challenging me to analyze why it's there, own up to my part of it and let Him root it out. So here goes:

• For some reason...I think partly due to always having lived in suburban, white, America...I have bought into this lie that I somehow deserve financial blessings. After all, many a sermon has said, 'If you just do A, B, and C, God will provide for all of your needs.'
• But in the U.S., we convince ourselves that our "needs" are plenty. We don't live in a place where we only need food, clothing and drink which is really all that Jesus promised to provide if we sought first His Kingdom and His righteousness. (see Matthew 6:31-33) No, we convince ourselves we "need" smart phones, and iPads, and a new car every 3 years, and a home big enough so at minimum each person in the family has at least 500 square feet, and closets overflowing with clothes, and pantries overflowing with food, and lessons or sports for all of our children's "gifts", and 2+ hours spent on the latest movie, and meat at every meal. I admit it...I swallowed the sales pitch hook, line and sinker. I struggle now to backpedal and teach my children differently and embrace the counter-cultural change myself.
• I somehow believed all of the teaching that prevails in America that God will only allow you to be tested for a "season". But what if this is as good as it ever gets? I mean, do you just walk away from a marriage because you made the wrong choice...WAIT!...don't answer that one. God's plan was for you to say "No" to that question. Likewise, what if God's best for our family from this point forward is for us not to just defend the poor and downtrodden...but to be the poor and downtrodden. I mean who better to speak up for the deeply impoverished than someone that has come from "the other side", survived the downward mobility of it all and lived to tell about it? And has the education, wisdom, knowledge and discernment to boldly say, "Oh but Beloved, He never would want you to go through this miserable life of poverty somehow believing that you deserved it!"
• I also was suckered into the undercurrent of American Christianity that teaches "You reap what you sow." That sounds an awful lot like karma to me...and as Jesus followers aren't we supposed to be thriving in and loving the fact that we are not getting what we deserve? Isn't that grace? I mean if we're going to get what we deserve, then we're all going to Hell, right? Yes...there is a passage in Galatians 6:7-8 that alludes to this idea that what we sow, we will reap. I mean, I eat too much food, so I am overweight...but wait...there are people two times smaller than me that eat five times more than I do. So somehow I "deserved" to be born into a food-focused, sedentary family that passed down a slow metabolism that was developed over several generations? Hmmm? I don't know about you, but I can't honestly look at a woman in India that was sold into prostitution as a child and tell her she "deserved" it. That's what hinduism has already taught her. I also can't peer into the eyes of an African mother and tell her she "deserves" to watch her children starve because she was born 20 years ago into sub-Saharan Africa.

With all of this brewing and overflowing in my mind and heart, is it any wonder that I've been "Just Hanging On?" But here's some promises He's led me to in the last few weeks that I'm now hanging on to.

• God is unchangeable and even swore by Himself (because there's no one else God can swear by) that those who take refuge in Him can have encouragement to hope in Him. This should be the anchor of my soul instead of the American way of life. (see Hebrews 6:17-19)
• He reminded me of Beth Moore's teaching and how she emphasizes over and over again, that with His Sovereign hand upon my life, anything that He allows to come my way can be used for my good and His glory...anything. But I have to allow Him to show me. And even when I can't see any good in it. I can trust that...see bullet point above! A song we sang in church Sunday used the exact phrase, "for my good and His glory." Talk about reinforcement of an idea!
• He is with me always even until the end. (see Matthew 28:20)
• Nothing...not one blessed thing, can keep God's Love away from me. (Romans 8:38-39)
• He will not fail me or forsake me. (see Joshua 1:5)
• He won't even forget about me. (see Isaiah 49:15-16)
• And in what has already been a recurring prayer of mine and a more fervent one recently, I know that all of my emotional roller coaster begins in my brain...and I read my friend Christi's blog post about just that very thing today. (see Take Every Thought Captive) This is also a recurring Beth Moore theme.

What conclusions can I draw during this barren time of waiting? One...that I do think God is still molding and shaping us into a different direction. I hesitate to use the word, "squeezing" us into a different place, but that's sort of what it feels like. Two...that He's teaching me to appreciate the "little" (sometimes very little) blessings that come along the way: fresh, homegrown peaches from Dale's co-worker; our own tomato and cucumber plants finally producing a little each day; selling a few unused items and getting a little bit of money for them; time together as a family because we only have a few years until the nest begins to empty; and even a few more that will help cover the bills just exactly how we needed...no extra...but covered nonetheless. And the third and maybe most challenging...I think it's time to tell our story. I know...I have...ad nauseum...on this blog and in person with many others. But I don't seem to see too many books on the Christian bookstore shelves entitled Poverty Sucks! or I Hate Being Poor. This is just an idea that God is tossing around in my brain, but I do think there needs to be an honest voice somewhere in our Christian world that says, "not all Christians are rich and yet they live in an age of hunger...now what do we do with that?" I just know that this isn't a common message in many of the rich suburban churches I've attended.

So who knows? Only God does in fact. And I'm hanging on to Him and not letting go because He's my hope, my refuge, my anchor, my rock and my salvation and nobody is going to separate me from Him...nobody!

Mentioned in this post: