Of Buttons and Heels

Most Mondays and Tuesdays I work during the day while my husband is home with the kids. He does a great job of doing school with them and keeping up the chores around the house...even better than I do when I'm home...and I'm not just stroking his ego...it's true.

But I've become awakened to something lately that I think I realized a long time ago I do and yet, just in the past few days I've begun to ask God to help me sort through why I do it. It's like I walk in the door and my eyes automatically zero in on all the imperfections I see. Mind you, if I'm home all day, I freely step over sketchpads and crayons, sit next to piles of toys on the couch, leave my own piles of papers or books on countertops or tables and never even bat an eye. But for some reason, and this is what I'm asking God to help me sort through...when I've been gone all day, similar piles and papers disturb me greatly. Remember, I said Dale's doing a great job of keeping up...I'm talking about the stuff that's left down is the sort of stuff I ignore on a normal day.

So I've begun to ask God if it's just because I don't like being gone from home during the school day and not knowing what my kids have been doing. Or, in other words, am I jealous that they've spent the day without me, might be a simpler way of putting it? Hmmm? I don't know. I'm still exploring the possibilities.

Regardless of the why, having become aware of my propensity to do this and that it feels almost uncontrollable and there have been times (many times unfortunately!) where it even feels like a sort of tirade as I go through our home...yesterday...I was determined to come in the door, be positive and helpful and above all...kind...no matter what.

Well, that lasted for a few minutes at least.

I'd changed my clothes, saw what a good job everyone had done of picking up their rooms and knew I had some more things to put away in mine that I'd started to clean up last week. At some point I walked into the family room to find my 8 year old on her hands and knees with her coat spread out on the floor underneath her, a pair of scissors in her hand, cutting a button off of her winter coat! Now, I ask you what would you do?

Yeah, if your answer is that you lovingly, kindly, gently and wisely would ask her what she was doing...you're not me. I'm ashamed to say, I yelled...not screamed...but definitely made-her-jump sort of yelled!

Because of my reaction, she wouldn't tell me why she'd cut off the button...which just infuriated me more! I tried to breathe deeply and remain calm but I'm sure my voice was raised even though I told myself I was "just being firm" so that she understood the seriousness of the situation.

Would you like to know her reasoning? What could possibly fill a child with the whim of an idea to cut the button off of her winter coat? There couldn't be a good reason, could there? Well, here goes...

As she choked back sobs and the crocodile tears poured from her eyes, she told me that First Church (where we attend our home school co-op) is collecting buttons for Haiti and that someone (not sure whom...Haitians? or people going on a mission trip to Haiti?) is going to make bracelets with all of the buttons that they collect.

You guessed it...I am the heel in this story!

After we'd both calmed down, the tears were drying and the sobs were almost over...we were better able to discuss why we don't just start cutting on our clothes and why it's important to communicate to Mommy or Daddy what she's thinking and what she dreams of giving to others. And, in turn, I was able to direct her to a box of buttons from which I gave her free reign to choose as many as she wanted to put in the bucket at co-op. She was thrilled!

My second-guessing fear this morning was that I've forever imprinted on her soul a hesitancy toward giving away anything and everything that God leads her to give. I truly don't think this fear was an attack of my Enemy. I believe it was a mental note from God saying that I need to think twice before I jump to conclusions. My attitudes and reactions greatly influence her and how she will perceive giving and loving some day. And after all, she's never been a destructive child or prone to make messes just for the sake of making them. "So next time, Angela, take a breath...don't jump ahead of Me and calmly...lovingly...ask her not only what she's doing...but why."

I've shared on this blog before Leah's propensity to give away even the things that are most special to her in order to aid someone in need. (see "Two Not So Simple Questions" and "Follow Up on the Purple Ba") And just last week, she emptied out all of her change from her piggy bank to give in a fundraiser at co-op for a family that has huge medical and financial needs that she's never even met! Her gifts, even at only 8 years old are compassion, mercy and service to those in need and I have so much to learn from her!

Why would an 8 year old cut off the button from their winter coat? Why...to help someone in Haiti who needs one!

Self-Pity

I'm going to attempt to do a little catching up on my blogging today and the next few days. It seems with working, there just aren't enough hours to do all I want. But mostly what I've wanted when I'm not working is just to sit and unwind. So I've opted to play computer games or catch up on Dr. Who episodes with my kids (related post coming soon!) instead of doing "kingdom work" like spending time with God or sharing what He's teaching me when I do get alone with Him.

I've continued to meet with Him every morning...it's just felt less focused. And I've shared on here previously how I've felt distant from Him and accept full blame for it. Yet, as He always is, He has remained faithful to speak to me through the cacophony with which I surround myself. He's been teaching me great lessons about selfishness; territorialism that I try to spiritualize and disguise as "boundaries" (essentially telling myself things are "mine" when they're not really); discernment vs. judging; how to disciple my kids instead of punishment/consequences; and, as always, more lessons about love...His for me and mine for others.

This is going to take more than a few posts to "unpack" (a current favorite word of hip pastors), so let's get started!

I've chosen to start with self-pity, because it grabbed my attention almost a week ago and God keeps bringing me back to it. I'm not afraid to admit I love a good wallow...not in a "oh, woe is me" sort of way, but rather in a "I'm shutting down today because I can not handle all that is expected of me so please leave me alone" display of self-pity. Unfortunately, those days have been quite frequent of late. Ugh!

But about four days ago, I read this in Jesus Calling:
"Be on guard against the pit of self-pity. When you are weary or unwell, this demonic trap is the greatest danger you face. Don't even go near the edge of the pit. Its edges crumble easily, and before you know it, you are on the way down. It is ever so much harder to get out of the pit than to keep a safe distance from it. That is why I tell you to be on guard." (further suggested reading Psalm 89:15 and Hebrews 12:1-2)

It goes on to describe how to be on guard...by praising and thanking God for everything...constantly and without ceasing. I know, I know...easier said than done. And we all have something in our lives for which to be thankful seems absolutely ludicrous. But, I have yet to ever experience the true Love of God or anything of His kingdom that just "makes sense" according to our human standard of measuring it.

Also, as I've reread this passage every day since I first read it, God has lovingly and gently reminded me that it hasn't just been my lack of praise and thankfulness that was causing my spiral into a pit of self-pity. No, the first place I went wrong was to allow myself to be deceived into believing that this life is actually mine.

You see, I was bought with a very expensive price...the life and blood of Jesus the Messiah who was in fact, God in human flesh. And as I'll expound upon in future posts, when I am dead to self and alive in Jesus, the Christ (Messiah), and He alone is living in me and through me, then nothing...absolutely nothing is mine.

How does this manifest itself in my life?

• Well, if someone is stirring up some trouble and wants to twist my words to sully my name...it just doesn't matter, because it's not my name to begin with. Yes, I need to be on guard about what I share with this person...a line has to be drawn, but only my reaction and actions henceforward will prove that I am God's and He is mine.
• If called upon to discern the best course of action to help someone, I need not rely upon my judgements, but rather allow God's Spirit to lead me on how to best serve in any given situation.
• When giving advice to my kids or attempting to diffuse a volatile situation between them, I should quit worrying about how they're infringing on my time and my peace, but rather see these as opportunities for growth, discipling (I like that word better than disciplining because of the cultural connotations of punishment.), setting aside my desire to be left alone to refuel and working on building them up instead.
• When our home is a mess, the laundry and dishes are overflowing, I have no time to do quality grocery shopping and my expectations are not being met for what I consider to be healthy, harmonious, organic or "green" living...I should instead be thankful we have a home, clothing, food to put on the dishes and the ability to have abundance when so many in our world don't.

Yes, this is very humbling to admit just how selfish I am. But if I can't "name it and claim it" then how can I ever let God fix it? Ultimately, that's the most important part of the process to me. So while I may be exposing myself to derision for being honest about my flaws...who cares? It's not my life anyway! I thank and praise God for that. Amen!

Royalty

You may have noticed that under my photo to the right the only description I've put to describe myself is "I'm a Daughter of the King!". I used to describe myself with a much longer and witty (or so I thought) paragraph of my interests, background and life-situation. But for some time now, I've been content to merely think of myself with these six simple words.

But are they simple?

If you really think through the implications, the profoundness of these six words, the depth...the breadth...and the power of these words is actually...limitless. One place to start is do I act like I'm a daughter of the King?

Most days...no...I don't. And as I've shared on here recently, I've been struggling a little with my relationship with the King. I don't blame Him. I know I'm not sitting alone with Him as much as I'd like. I know I've let stress, play and schedules get in the way of making Him my priority. When I do concentrate on spending alone and quiet time with Him...His peace prevails, He focuses my heart and I feel confidently empowered to face the day.

So why don't I live focused on being His daughter every day? Hmmm? That's a good question. I think there are too many answers to delve into here. But one of the primary ones is that the King has an Adversary who loves nothing more than to distract me with fear, doubt, worry, stress, daily mundaneness, satisfying my own pleasures, guilt and an overly saturated, steeped-armpit deep culture that provides endless opportunities to ignore the King.

Excuses aside, I'm thankful for the Beth Moore Esther study that a friend encouraged me to do. Esther was a queen and she was presented with a seemingly insurmountable task...save the entire Jewish race. This was no Schindler's List. There was no way to save anyone. They were all going to die. And did I mention that if she went to the king, her husband Xerxes, without first being invited...she could instantly be killed? If you've never read the book of Esther in the Bible, I encourage you to do so. It's brief and reading it is not only encouraging, but sounds like so many love stories or fairy tales that prevail in our culture.

And here's what spoke to my heart last week when I read it in the Bible study: I too am royalty, because I'm a daughter of the King. And I too have a purpose that God specifically has for me to do. The famous verse that includes "for such a time as this" applies to us all. We each have an amazing "for such a time as this" destiny to fulfill. The question is simply, will we obey and act on behalf of the King when He asks?

Truthfully, I might not...unless I remember that I'm a daughter of the King and it isn't I who live but Christ living in me and through me. (Galatians 2:20) But when I stand confidently as a daughter of the King, I can boldly and with the power of the Holy Spirit, accomplish any destiny He has placed before me. Honestly, it helps my attitude toward others as well. The comments, misinterpretations or stinging barbs of others somehow lose their "sting" when I know that I am fulfilling my purpose in God's royal family.

If you'd like to learn more, here are more Scriptures regarding God's kingdom and our place in it. Read them and let them wash over your soul...renewing and refreshing you for the journey ahead.

Matthew 11:11
Matthew 13:11
Luke 20-21
I Corinthians 4:20
I Peter 2:9
Revelation 1:6
Revelation 5:9-10

Come back to these Scriptures often. They'll strengthen you for the journey ahead and remind you that no task is mundane when you're a child of the King. Every act has the possibility of furthering the Kingdom and increasing the territory of the King...the question is will you hear His call and heed His will? That's what a child of the King would do. That's my prayer for myself and for you as well. So let's agree together in prayer to stop behaving like and allowing thoughts to rule us that are contradictory to a child of the King. Just think of the possibilities when we each rise up to fulfill our own destinies "for such a time as this!" Amen!

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Reversed Thunder and What It Means

I know I keep quoting this book...but it's just that good and today, I discovered from where the title comes and I just have to share it!

Each chapter starting with the second is called "The Last Word on ____________ (something)" because after all, Revelation is the "last word" as far as Spirit-inspired Scripture goes. The chapter I began this morning is entitled, "The Last Word on Prayer".

Prayer is an area where I have struggled my whole life. I've shared this on previous posts. But what I've realized over the last few years is that the times of crisis we've experienced more recently opened me up to a whole new world in regard to my prayer life with God. I've relished every moment! And I miss it when that closeness, that special openness to His Spirit isn't there. I'm currently experiencing a time like that...I've shared that as well.

And while I'm processing and praying and asking for discernment why I don't feel as close to Him right now as I'd like, He brought this amazing chapter to me today. I'm only on the second page of it, so there may be more...but this is what blessed me this morning:

     "The Apocalypse is a fusion of vision and prayer. When the seventh seal is opened, there is silence in heaven for about half an hour. A climax has been reached. The silence prepares the imagination to receive an incredible truth. While conflicts raged between good and evil, prayers went up from devout bands of first century Christians all over the Roman empire. Massive engines of persecution and scorn were ranged against them. They had neither weapons nor votes. They had little money and no prestige. Why didn't they have mental breakdowns? Why didn't they cut and run? They prayed.
     It was in order to hear those prayers that there was silence in heaven. Out of silence, action developed:  an angel came before the altar of God with a censer. He mixed the prayer of the Christians with incense (which cleansed them from impurities) and combined them with fire (God's spirit) from the altar. Then he put it all in the censer and threw it over heaven's ramparts. The censer plummeting through the air, landed on earth. On impact there were "peals of thunder, voices, flashes of lightning, and an earthquake." (Rev. 8:5). The prayers which ascended, unremarked by the journalists of the day, returned with immense force--in George Herbert's phrase, as "reversed thunder." Prayer reenters history with incalculable effects. Our earth is shaken daily by it." (emphasis mine)


Like me, have you ever doubted that your prayers mattered? Make a difference? Or are even heard?

Ohhh! BELIEVE loved One! They are heard, they do make a difference and they definitely matter. In fact, they 'reenter history with incalculable effects' and the "earth is shaken daily by it"!

Amen!!!

Bowed Down

So apparently, I wasn't prepared for the emotional toll working at a new office would take on me when I began this tax season. The last two years I have encountered the occasional hard-luck or tumultuous life story...but this year is different...and that's putting it mildly!

I know that every person has a story...but this year almost every person wants to share their story. It's inevitable I guess. When you ask about dependents, who gets to claim which child and you're documenting head of household status...the stories just seem to gush out them. And I have to confess all of that gushing is washing all over my soul.

It sounds a bit melodramatic, I know...but it's taken me a few weeks to figure out the reason why I felt so depleted and empty every night after coming home. It's not exactly a job that requires physical exertion. And the mental (mathematical) exertion is mostly limited to data entry. But then there is the human factor and that's where the "messiness" comes in.

What I've realized is that I'm truly not judging them...okay, with the exception of the men that are there with single moms wanting the woman's tax refund NOW and angry because she's not getting back as much as prior years. That gets my blood boiling a little I have to admit!

But instead of judging...I've realized I'm grieving. All day long I hear story after story of the mess they've made of their lives and to some degree, it was taking it's toll on me emotionally and even physically.

I am thankful for a loving God though that gently awakened me to what was taking place and says, "Angela, don't take on their sadness...their brokenness. No...just love them." Then last week, three times, He intersected my reading with the following verse:

"Why are you bowed down, O my soul?
And why are you clamorous within me?
Expect God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence." (Psalm 42:5)

This is a verse I have taped to my bathroom mirror, but it had been many, many weeks since I'd read it. After a family we know went from the heights of joy to the depths of grief within two days time last week, I began praying this verse for them. My prayer was for them to "expect God" and for His Presence to be real.

And now I've begun praying this for myself too. My soul need not be 'bowed down and clamorous within me' when I hear the devastation that so many families deal with regularly. Instead, I want to expect God to help me and them with His glorious Presence...even if it means that in order to feel and know His Presence they have to sit down to do their taxes.

Archived Prayer Requests October 2011

10/28/11: Urgent! Single expectant mom has had electricity shut off and is in immediate need of assistance. Please pray she is led to the right agency, church or individual who can provide advice and/or financial assistance. Also pray for her peace as she is within one month of delivery and stress is not good for her or the baby at this time. Also pray that God will help her see His Light at the end of the tunnel so this time of anticipating the birth of her child is a joyous one...not one filled with worry, fear or doubt! 10/28/11: Spoke with this mom this evening and she is doing much better. She actually discovered one outlet that is working and is making the most of it. Creativity at it's best! We've also had a donation come in for her through paypal that we'll be getting to her as soon as it is transferred. After having a bad experience with a local "charity" chastising her for "not being responsible" she was near tears to hear that someone she's never met has committed some assistance to her. Please continue to pray as she sorts through this situation and prepares for the delivery of her child. 10/31/11: The money from paypal has arrived, she's also receiving a loan for the week from another friend...so her power should be restored this evening. God's provision will give her great peace now that this crisis has passed!

10/25/11: Mom of 3 needs employment soon. She is open to all possibilities, but the desire of her heart is to find something to do from home: i.e. childcare, clerical, etc. 11/1/11: Some good options are opening up for this mom, please continue to pray for God's wisdom and guidance as she seeks to do His will.

10/22/11: Soon to be expectant mom needs prayer support for direction regarding affordable childcare. There will be many needs that in the coming weeks will arise, pray that she can sort through the most pressing needs and that God will supply them in His time and a way that it is obviously from Him. 10/31/11: Three or four options were sent to us to check out and this mom now feels like she has a little more direction about where to start looking for childcare. Continue to pray for God to lead the way and for her to recognize His guidance as to where she should place her child.

10/21/11: Urgent Request! Mom of 3 is very low on heating oil and can't afford the hundreds of dollars it will take for the oil truck to make a delivery. She must purchase a minimum of 150 gallons of fuel. We know God will provide, please pray for this mom's peace during the wait! 11/3/11: This mom found out she could now get a delivery with a minimum of 100 gallons of heating oil. God provided a donation to cover that amount! Praise Him! Read more about this in The Widow of Zarephath

10/21/11: I received an e-mail today from my friend Cat who'd heard of an expecting mom who is going through a divorce and needs assistance in anyway possible. Please pray that as I approach this mom, she truly senses my desire to help her in any way that God provides. I know we can't meet all of her needs, but I know the God who can! 10/22/11: See request of 10/22/11 above. This mom is excited to hear of an opportunity for assistance. Please continue to pray for her as she begins the journey of motherhood.

10/21/11: Praise for a local mechanic that works out of his home approached me today and offered his services to any single moms that might need assistance. Please pray that as needs arise, the money for parts will become available in God's timing and in His way. This mechanic is willing to do even major repairs for parts cost only or greatly reduced rates. You can read more about this at So Sometimes I Drag My Feet

10/21/11: Soon to be new mom is moving to the Northern Kentucky area and is in need of not only medical care and baby items, but also prayers for her parents as they transition together in anticipation of the new baby. Pray that God coordinates resources, financial assistance and spiritual wisdom for her family throughout the coming months. 2/5/12: Praise that baby arrived safely and mom is transitioning into completing her education. Pray for a continued amicable relationship between mom and her parents that she is now living with.

January Financial Statement

Here's the January Financial Statement for Boundless Ministries. It was a slow month overall and not just financially. God always provides, just when He is needed and when the provision doesn't come from Him...He shows us how to do it ourselves. He's pretty amazing that way!

We're looking forward to a great February! Amen!

The Problem of Temptation

Have you ever wished that temptations would just be removed? If you've ever had a constant struggle in your life, you know of what I speak. No matter the addiction: alcohol, drugs, sex or food...don't we at some point just wish that all the opportunities for temptation in that area could simply be removed?

Of course I have!

The battle against that "thing" becomes so wearying that we begin to dream of a world without it. When we succumb to the temptation and guilt and shame wash over you like a wave of wallowing pain, don't we begin to fantasize of a life where the issue is conquered and we stand completely satisfied and content without it?

My "issue" for as long as I can remember has been food. I've shared this several times on this blog. And if you share my struggle, you know the depth of shame and guilt over battling this area for year after year. Especially when our culture tells us time and again that it's just a matter of  "self-discipline". I'm not sure how anyone else has handled their food issues, but I have yet to be able to abstain from food completely. Our food-focused culture doesn't help either!

And then today, I read this quote by Samuel Rutherford in Reversed Thunder by Eugene Peterson:
"I find it most true, that the greatest temptation out of hell is to live without temptations. If my waters should stand, they would rot. Faith is the better of the free air, and of the sharp winter storm in its face. Grace withereth without adversity. The devil is but God's master fencer, to teach us to handle our weapons."

Have we ever considered that temptations are training grounds for our faith? I know I haven't.

What if instead of dreading the battle, I took the battle to the One that defends me best? What if my temptations to grumble, judge, have a critical spirit or use food for comfort instead of fuel were opportunities to extend grace to myself...and others who struggle with the same issues? What if, when I'm tempted I thanked God for the opportunity to sharpen my skills and hone my faith? What if instead of dreading the thought of temptation, I realized that although I don't want to throw myself openly into situations where I know I'm weak...I could instead remember that temptation will come...it's inevitable...so I should be ready with the full armor of the Lord! (see Ephesians 6:10-17)

I love the thought that 'standing waters will rot'. I don't want to "rot" in my faith, do you? So I pray I remember this quote the next time I'm standing in a full-blown temptation. I pray I can stop and thank Him for refining my faith and growing my grace. What an awesome God to even be able to take the "fiery arrows" of the enemy and turn it into growth opportunities and preparation for the future battles we face! Amen!


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Bi-monthly Prayer Requests

February is underway and I am swamped by 1040's! But here's the latest updates to the Prayer Requests and Needs Page.

I Love This Passage

I've been chewing on this passage by Eugene Peterson for about a week now. I've read it almost daily during that time and every time I read it, I come away encouraged and hopeful. Here it is:

     "Prior to the vision, St. John is on the prison island in isolated exile. He is cut off from his churches by a decree out of unholy Rome. Rome is the ascendant power. The gospel has been proved a weak and ineffective sally against unstoppable evil. Two generations after the euphoria of Pentecost it is thoroughly discredited. Everything St. John has believed and preached is, to all evidence, a disaster. And then, without a single thing having happened in Rome or in Asia--no earthquake to change the face of the earth, no revolution to change the government in Rome--St. John is on his feet. He has a message. He has a job. He has a means for bringing God home to the people and the gospel to the world. The difference between St. John the prisoner and St. John the pastor is Christ, in vision and in reality.
     St. John away from his churches, fretting from lack of intimate knowledge of his people, sees the penetrating, attentive eyes of his Savior. St. John, weak from confinement, sees the strong, burnished feet of his Lord. St. John, used to speaking with authority to his apt-to-stray sheep but now without voice, hears the authoritative voice of the Ruler of church and world. St. John, homesick for his congregations, sees them held in the right hand of the Shepherd of Israel. St. John at the mercy of the political sword of Rome, sees the word of God proceeding swordlike and not returning void. St. John, nearing the end of his days, the energy of his countenance in eclipse, sees the presence of a radiating Christ throwing blessing on all.
     By virtue of the vision, the crushed exile becomes a vigorous prophet. In time of crisis, like ruined Samson in the temple of Dagon, he receives a fresh visitation from God which delivers the people from oppression. Visions, if they are truly visions and not wish-fulfillment dreams, make things happen.
     St. John exiled is now St. John empowered. The vision did it." (emphasis mine)

What a breath of fresh, encouraging air to be reminded that even in the worst possible circumstances...if God blesses you with a vision of His direction, His leading, His will...you will no longer be known as "the exiled"...but rather..."the empowered". None of us will go on to write the vision and it become known as "The Revelation". But "visions...make things happen."

Amen!

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Monk

"Well it's a jungle out there..." and our family has enjoyed every minute of it!

This isn't a show we watched when it originally aired, but as we've grown dissatisfied with any offerings on the major networks and we no longer have satellite TV, we've sought a series that would appeal to us all...well, most of us at least. Upon the recommendation of a few friends...we found it in Monk.

I remember Tony Shaloub from Wings but this series was an excellent showcase for his superb acting skills. Thanks to Netflix, we were able to devour all eight seasons in a few months time. Our nightly question after dinner became, "Can we start an episode of Monk?"

[Spoiler alert!} When we finished up the series about a week ago, I was sad to have it end. Not to mention I was touched by my compassionate 8 year old's tears as Mr. Monk struggled to survive after having been poisoned. In just a short time, we've grown to care for Monk, Captain Stottlemeyer, the knucklehead sidekick Randy, and first Sherona, then Natalie. We wanted all of them to have a happy ending...and of course, they did! But most of all, we wanted to know who killed Trudy?! I won't spoil that one for you.

But as I went to bed after having watched the series finale and with thoughts of all the "Monk-isms" that are now a part of our family, I wondered if there will ever be a series again that is this entertaining, engaging and family friendly? Tony Shaloub and Monk proved that it can be done. My next thought was, "I hope someone asks Netflix for their stats occasionally. Maybe they'll see the programs that families ditch the networks for."

It was fun while it lasted, but my favorite scene is still the wipees on the rungs of the ladder as he descended into the sewer.

"I could be wrong now...but I don't think so!"

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