It's Been A Long Time

Over 2 years ago, I wrote my last blog post. I knew then it probably wouldn't be the last one ever, but I knew it would be a lengthy hiatus at best. There were several reasons for this, and now there are several reasons for returning.

A lot has happened in the last 2 years...politics aside...I mean personally. For the last year, I worked in a homeless shelter. You want some perspective on what matters in this world, go to work for a population of people who carry all of their personal belongings in a backpack. Also, about 2 years ago, I embarked down an area of study in my spiritual life that has completely changed the way I look at this world and my place in it. More importantly, God has awakened me to His power within me and the dark forces that are at work against every single one of us, whether you're a Christian or not. Just being human means you have an enemy that wants to destroy you, because he wants to destroy everything and everyone that God created...and that means you.

But as a Jesus-follower, I am empowered with certain gifts...promised to each of us...that will not only aid in my survival, but will actually help me soar above the muckety-muck of this world we call home.

I'm now at the cusp of yet another new beginning on this Journey. And as the Holy Spirit always does, He has been prepping me for this one too. I don't yet know where it will lead, but I do know it will involve growing things and growing people. That's pretty much how He's summed up my purpose here. And because of the heart He's given me, I know those things include plants that feed people, and the people will involve those on the fringes of our everyday lives.

I've struggled a lot over the last year, first with my health, and then stress and anxiety that were digging deep roots into my soul and taking hold in ways I didn't know were possible...and I've had a lot of stress in my past. (Just read previous posts...particularly in years 2009-2011!) But as I finally listened to what He's been telling me to do for the last 2 months, the source of the stress is gone, and now I just need to let Him work on digging up the stump. I know He will be faithful to do it!

Not coincidentally at this same time, He's been calling me to get back to finding out who He really is. A lot of the teaching I've heard, and the lessons I've learned amid the cacophony of voices that seep into our lives through news, media, the internet and even our churches, is so diametrically opposed to who God says He is, that part of my stress has involved simply trying to hear His Voice.

The best way I know to get back to the heart of God is through Jesus. Who did He say He was? How did He live His life? Not just what did He say, but what did He do? To whom did He go?

I have to strip down that muckety-muck I referred to previously and look with new eyes upon the One who gave everything just so I could commune with Him. So the best place that I know to start is in the gospels...Matthew to be specific. I know I'll find Him there, because He promised that when I seek Him, I will find Him. (see Jeremiah 29:13)

Do you want to join me on the Journey? He promised there is no greater adventure! I don't know how long it will take, but it would be good to hear your thoughts and observations along the way. Oh, and I'd be remiss if I didn't insert here that the plan isn't just to find out who He is, but to put it into practice too! After all, James the half-brother of Jesus, told us that "faith without works is dead." (see James 2:20) I honestly don't need any more head-knowledge, do you? What I do need is the transformational power of Jesus to so infect my life that the world is different because I know and love Him!

I can't think of anything more worthy of my time, energy and attention...let's get started!

This Internal Stuff is Tough!

And I am not exaggerating!

Last Thursday, it was my turn to lead our small group in discussion at the Believing God Bible study. Lo and behold, the topic for the week was the tongue. Ugh! We meet on Thursday mornings and by Tuesday afternoon, I only had one day of the homework completed. This is not like me. Normally, I try to stay on top of it all so I can get the full benefit without hurrying through it all. But going over day one of the workbook...where the topic was James 3 and taming the tongue...I had to process for a few days and try to come to grips with living this thing out before I stood up in front of 20 women and told them they needed to do the same.

The tongue "is a restless evil and full of deadly poison." (James 3:8) Not exactly tea-party conversation here. I completed the homework...sorted through a lot of yuck I needed to give God...and when Thursday morning rolled around...still felt completely inadequate to stand up and facilitate a conversation about how the tongue "is set among the members as that which defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of someone's life and is set on fire by hell." (James 3:6)

Yikes!

Thursday as I was getting dressed and ready in my bathroom, I was literally doubled over with my hands on my knees, moaning and asking God "Why?" Why did it have to be me? The one that struggles with her tongue more than anyone I know. The one who unfortunately has all too often with my tongue "blessed our Lord and Father and with it cursed men who have been made in the likeness of God." (James 3:9) You'll find it as no surprise that when I memorized James at this same time last year, this is the passage that was most difficult to learn. I am a woman "of unclean lips and I live among a people of unclean lips" (Isaiah 6:5).

As I was praying and processing and meditating on His Word, it wasn't that I had any divine epiphanies. There was nothing new for me to learn on this subject...but bless His magnificent Name...He kept graciously reminding me of a few things over and over again.

• I need to be impeccably above the standards of this age...not only in my spoken word...but in my written word as well. Facebook should not be a platform to air my grievances...whether they are personal or against an entire people group. Neither will I condescend to fight through texting, messaging or wall posts. And this blog should always be used as a tool to bless (aka. speak well of) instead of curse (doom) my fellow man whether I can yet call them brother or sister in Christ or not.
• The post I wrote a year ago about Jeremiah 31:3 "The LORD appeared to him from afar, saying "I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness." is just as true today as it was last October. In the way that a salve or poultice will "draw out" the yuck in a wound so that true healing can begin...God himself slathers His lovingkindness all over our "yuck"...drawing it out so that true healing and growth can begin.

And here's something of a new thing I did learn during the tortuous week of self-examination: The drawing never ends! In God's perfect timing and mercy, He begins drawing out from the surface and slowly, yet assuredly, He takes away layer and layer of "yuck" so that as the internal is purged and refined, the external radiates His gorgeous Light more clearly.

So when you come across that time in your life when you feel like you're struggling in an area that you've worked on before, maybe He's just "drawing" out at a deeper level, calling you to a deeper walk, so the Light of His Love will shine forth more brilliantly, piercing the deeper darkness in a way we never could have imagined.

"Drawing"

When I read this Bible verse today:

     The LORD appeared to him from afar, saying
     "I have loved you with an everlasting love;
     Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness." (Jeremiah 31:3, NASB)

I quickly remembered a line from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers movie where Gandalf tells Saruman he will "draw him" from the possessed king of Rohan "like poison from a wound". The comparison to the scripture in Jeremiah left me aghast at just how far my Abba has gone to demonstrate His unquestionable love for me.

(Warning: this may be a little unsettling to the queasy stomach!) Unfortunately, I've had my fair share of infected wounds, boils, sties, warts, mosquito bites and bee stings where the best remedy for the wound was to "draw out" the yuck...the poison held within. Once expelled, the surrounding skin could now do it's real work of repairing, healing and restoring the area that had once been "diseased". It's the same thing with a venomous snake bite...so I've been told. You have to suck out the poison to save the bitten victim.

I am a very visual person. To picture my Abba slathering His compassion (another word for lovingkindness) all over the putrifying, infected, "yuck" of my soul is breathtaking beyond words. He says here in Jeremiah that His compassion/lovingkindness "draws" us. Wow!

You can absolutely interpret this passage to mean that He draws us to Him. But today...by His grace...He gave me a little different meaning. Praise God He draws me to Him...but He has also slathered His lovingkindness in the form of compassion all over my soul and "drawn" out of me the yuck that has infected my life from day one. When the yuck is gone...He can finally get to His real work of repairing, healing and restoring that area of my life. Amen!

Now, we live in a fallen world and our wounds will continue to fester to varying degrees and sometimes just when one wound heals, another breaks wide open...but I am so thankful for the Cure that never fails to "draw" me. Amen!

And the Theme Continues...

This post could also be entitled, "You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up!" 

Yesterday, as I spent the day processing what God's Spirit was teaching me about depending upon His abundance as I focus on Becoming Heaven-Minded and all of the implications for what this shift in thinking means, I asked Him to lead me to a verse on my bathroom mirror that would be just what I needed. The first one my eyes landed on was a verse I don't even remember placing there. I don't remember the context of why I did it, but I now believe it must have been taped there many months ago for the single purpose of my seeing it yesterday.

"I will saturate the soul of the priests with abundance,

And My people will be satisfied with My goodness," declares the LORD."

(Jeremiah 31:14)

Through teary eyes, I read it again...amazed at exactly what God's Spirit is teaching me...but still too overwhelmed by it all to really process the depth of His meaning. What I gleaned in the moment though was another step in the direction of where He's leading..."Angela, all Christians are My priests to a lost and dying world. You have the desire to fulfill this God-given role. Believe that I will saturate your soul with not just enough...but an abundance to do it!"

Okay...I believe...God, forgive my unbelief! (Mark 9:24)

As I headed to my time alone with God this morning, I offered up this prayer: God, I need you to teach me specifically what You're trying to show me. I cannot get my brain around it...it's just too huge. It feels like You're showing me something I can't comprehend so I need you to show me.

Then I picked up Jesus Calling, and this is why I say above, "you just can't make this stuff up!"

"I, the Creator of the universe, am with you and for you. What more could you need?"

"I offer abundant Life; your part is to trust Me, refusing to worry about anything."

"Your thoughts close in on the problem like ravenous wolves. Determined to make things go your way, you forget that I am in charge of your life."  (the problem being not enough money to do all that I am passionate about doing for Him)

And finally the one that simply pierced me right through my soul:

"Stop all your striving, and watch to see what I will do. I am the Lord!"

Again, too overwhelmed to wrap my brain around what He was showing me, I wrote in my journal:

"Still processing. How do I live knowing You'll provide, moving forward expecting it to be there and expectantly anticipating that You'll come through?

How do You want us to move forward with Boundless Ministries? How do You want to lead? Where do You want us to go? Whom do You want us to serve?"

And I read again from Esther my cue card for the dilemma "It's tough being a women who feels responsible for the "how"!  Beth Moore's scripture reference to combat this is found in Psalm 103:14.

"For He Himself knows our frame;

He is mindful that we are but dust."

He knows I'm "but dust". He knows I can't figure out how we're going to financially do all that we want to do for Him...and that's okay...because He does!

Then I felt the Spirit's leading to write down just exactly what it is that I want to do...just for clarity...it helps me to process my thoughts. And as I asked Him to search my heart, of the five things that came out on paper...not one of them has anything in it for me other than I'd love to travel serving Him, meeting new people, sharing His Love with them. So yes, the travel is a benefit I would enjoy.

After pouring this out on paper and looking back over it with the Holy Spirit, I turned to the two scripture references for the day in Jesus Calling. The devotional had already spoken volumes, but with great anticipation and recognizing that a Romans 8 reference has to be jam-packed with goodness, I hurriedly turned to verses 31 and 32 expecting wonderful things...I was not disappointed.

Having just completed the Top Five list of my heart's desire, this is what I read:

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?" (Romans 8:31-32, NASB)

My translation- 'Here's your list, Angela...so what can you say about those things? Your heart's desire is to do My will...you know I'm for that...so who can be against it? I didn't spare my Son for you...can you allow yourself to believe that I will freely give you all of these things? Believe it!'

With a grateful heart and teary eyes, I could finally begin to allow myself to drink in the saturating promise of thirsting no more for resources...it's already there...I just need to ask.

But wait...there was a second verse:

"But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the LORD;

I will wait for the God of my salvation.

My God will hear me." (Micah 7:7)

Do I ever need to wonder again if He'll provide the resources for my passion for serving Him? If I do, you have my permission to call me a faithless twit!

I don't think He could have spelled it out more plainly, but just so I would "get it", He spoke one more word to my heart. As I brushed my teeth and glanced in my mirror at the Jeremiah 31:14 scripture again, I heard Him lovingly say, "It's not about money, Angela. It was never about money. I have the money...the question is...do you have the faith?"

Amen!


Mentioned in this post:

Just in Case You Ever Wondered...

God's timing does work for others too!

I received an e-mail from a mom of 3 today explaining that she needs to find employment soon. She home schools and the desire of her heart is to continue to do so. She's open to any possibility, but something from home is definitely her preference. She asked me to help her pray about this.

Of course I was going to put it on our Prayer Request Page as soon as possible...but before I did that, I was given the privilege of letting her in on a little something fun! If you've actually clicked on the Prayer Request Page, you'll understand exactly what I mean.

Hmmm...the previous prayer request on that page is from a single expectant mom looking for affordable childcare. Funny how God works, isn't it?

Now, I don't know if the connection will work out for these two...only God can foresee that. But on this day, it truly was fun for me to be able to quickly reply back to my friend with a little hope that God may have answered her request before she ever even made it public. What could be more fun than that?!

And yes..."Just in Case You Ever Wondered..." this great Abba would like to do the same for you too! There is no magic formula and He's definitely not a giant slot machine in the sky (insert request...out pops the answer you want...NOT!). But He absolutely does delight in giving us the desires of our hearts.

Here's the little secret...if no one's ever told you this before...I am thrilled to be the first to tell you: When you seek Him, you will find Him when you seek Him with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:13) and when you delight yourself in Him, He will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4) But what you may never perceive happening...totally under the radar of your senses is that as you seek Him and delight yourself in Him...His desires become your desires...and why wouldn't He give you that?

Just something to chew on!

I Have a Confession...

I am a grumbler!

Now, to those of you that know me...this is no great revelation. But I am so thankful and grateful to a God who knows our flaws, reveals them to us and patiently waits for us to be confronted with His awesome Truth so we can get about the business of ridding our lives of these flaws that do not reflect Him.

Such was my morning today. Although I've known for years, if not decades, that this is one of my greatest flaws, I have often felt helpless to change this very deep-rooted issue. I mean it's so deep that it goes back three generations before me that I know of...possibly more. I've always known that being critical is one of my biggest hangups and that it can very easily manifest itself as depression, negativity, pessimism,  dissension, strife, gossip and anger. And while God has patiently and lovingly worked on each of these areas in my life, I became distinctly aware this morning just how pervasive my grumbling is. I even confessed to God that to cut this out of my life will be like losing a close relative. I know warped, right?

I kept thinking all of the nitpicking & fighting that my kids do has got to stop...and it does...but yesterday and today, I came face to face with how I am the root of this whole issue. My grumbling, my ranting, my negativity paints a picture for my family that they mold themselves into. And while I may be completely justified in most of my criticism, it makes everyone else in our family look through lenses of doubt, criticism and negativity...and that is not how God wants us to live.

So this was the revelation for today and why I believe Holy Spirit has brought me to the final crossroads on this issue. From this point forward, I cannot deny the Truth, I cannot pretend I do not know. No...today, I have to choose to walk in the Light of His Truth or stand in direct disobedience to Him (yes, sin!). And as I fervently prayed this morning, "Lord, I want to be a doer of the Word...not just a hearer. Give me a teachable spirit because I don't want to continue living this way."

In Jesus Calling, I read: "You have been on a long, uphill journey, and your energy is almost spent. Though you have faltered at times, you have not let go of My hand. I am pleased with your desire to stay close to Me. There is one thing, however, that displeases Me: your tendency to complain. You may talk to Me as much as you like about the difficulty of the path we are following. I understand better than anyone else the stresses and strains that have afflicted you. You can ventilate safely to Me, because talking with Me tempers your thoughts and helps you see things from My perspective.

Complaining to others is another matter altogether. It opens the door to deadly sins such as self-pity and rage. Whenever you are tempted to grumble, come to Me and talk it out. As you open up to Me, I will put My thoughts in your mind and My song in your heart." (I've underlined the portions that hit me square between the eyes.)

Yes...I do want to have His thoughts in my mind and His song in my heart! And I want my kids to quit grumbling...so it has to start with me, right? Right!

Just so neither I, nor anyone else can say that the passage above is merely a woman's rambling thoughts, I love that the author puts Scripture references on each page. Today's were exactly the ones with which I needed to be confronted. Jeremiah 31:25 "For I satisfy the weary ones and refresh everyone who languishes." and Philippians 2:14-15 "Do all things without grumbling or disputing; so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world."

In my Bible, the Jeremiah passage has a cross reference to Jeremiah 31:12-14 which says God's bounty will make me radiant, my soul will have abundance and I can be satisfied with God's goodness. So each day, as I'm looking at what we have (or don't have), I need to talk to God about my concerns, frustrations, etc. and He "tempers your thoughts and helps you see things from My perspective." (Jesus Calling) From God's perspective, I have enough for today. Amen!

The Philippians passage had a cross reference to 1 Corinthians 10:10 which is referring to the Israelites and how their grumbling caused the destroyer to destroy them. Yikes! There have been days recently when I feel like our family is being destroyed by the grumbling and complaining. And where have they learned it? Who has set the standard? Yep...it's me!

And a direct reference to being a child of God is Ephesians 5:1, "Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children..." To imitate God and demonstrate myself as His child means to give up the grumbling right? Of course! What is the result? “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; ¹⁵ nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. ¹⁶ Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven. (Matthew 5:14-16)

There it is. I've even experienced recently the pure shock at being confronted with another critical person at my tax prep classes. I came away from that experience realizing just how much God has changed me already. But now it's time to go even deeper...so that the ones who know me best and see me the most recognize the difference of the Holy Spirit in my life...particularly in the area of grumbling and complaining.

Now our church is all about making yourself accountable to someone when there's an area in your life where you want to grow and change. So today, I sat down with the four people who know me best and know my worst. These four have put up with a lot from me over the course of their young lives...and yet, they love me still. So who better to hold me accountable than my kids.

I realize I've set myself up to be corrected by my children...and I've asked them to do it in a kind, loving way...but even if they harshly reprimand me when I grumble, I pray that as I'm humbled by the reminder, I will remain thankful to a God who knows my every flaw and yet doesn't grumble against me. I pray that as Holy Spirit changes me,  my children will sense the change and the prevailing attitude of criticism to each other is healed. But most of all, I just pray that I become such a good imitator of God that no one doubts I am His child.

Some Recent Happenings

I posted last week about having the door shut on a job that I had applied for...not really being certain if it was God's will to begin with. I guess I should have just accepted being sent home as His answer and been done with it...but NOoooo...I had to put my name back in and I was offered the same shift starting on the 25th.

What ensued was a week of claiming His truths, seeking His wisdom and eventually torturing myself with the huge question...was I just being faithless? After all, didn't He lay the vision for this ministry upon my heart? Didn't He give me promise after promise from His Word and from His Spirit that this was at last His Will for us...the BIG thing we've been waiting for? Didn't He help me break through to the point where I haven't been worrying about His provision because I'm more focused on serving and interceding through prayer for others? Then why was I continuing to pursue this job even after He'd sent me home the week before.

This seems like a simple question but the theological debate it opens up is enormous. What one person would call just chance that I was sent home last week, another would see as God's providence and His "sign" that I wasn't supposed to have the job. [Is it any wonder The Adjustment Bureau spoke to my heart this weekend?] If you haven't picked up on it yet, I am a deep thinker and these kinds of questions are torture for me. I even go so far as to allow the enemy to start getting a foothold of doubt that maybe "I'm just not that interested in working...so I'm seeing what I want to see." Won't some people think I'm just being selfish or lazy or not willing to do my fair share to bring money into our home?

I was so torn up by this and had very little opportunity over the weekend to spend time sorting through it with God, that I was grieving over it all Monday afternoon. By the time I could get alone with God and really ask these questions, I was due to report for training in less than two hours. But beg for answers I did. And He brought me back to the Scriptural promises He's been giving over the last few weeks. Actually, on Monday morning He had reminded me of Jeremiah 29:13, "You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart."

The day before, my mom had handed me a book and said, "This is exactly what you need to be reading right now...it's all about God's provision and not worrying and stuff." The book she handed me? Jesus Calling by Sarah Young...the exact same book a friend has been frequently quoting to me. Oh, but that's not enough...the scheduled devotional reading I open up to yesterday?...you guessed it if you said Jeremiah 29:13!

All day yesterday I kept begging Him to show me how to seek Him...to show Himself to me...to give me some answers. And the last Scripture passage I felt drawn to was Psalm 119:29-32 . Everyday I've been asking Him to remove any false way from me, to choose the faithful way, to cling (like clingwrap remember!) to His testimonies (promises to me!) and to NOT put me to shame! All of this I know He is doing while He is enlarging my heart for the things that matter to His heart.

As I reread so many promises He's given me recently, I was starting to feel more peaceful but still just felt so weighed down and then my eyes were drawn to verse 28,

 "My soul weeps because of grief;
Strengthen me according to Your word"

I know David wrote those words thousands of years ago, but they could have been mine...actually, they were mine yesterday. I realized in that moment just how much I was doubting the job thing since I was sent home last week. I told Dale later, "It knocked the wind out of me!" It made me doubt a lot of things. But I headed off to training determined to do the best I could and keep my mind open for what God wanted to do.

To be continued...

While I Wait...

I'm breaking Media-Free Mondays to share what Holy Spirit has been teaching me over the weekend & some blessings we've received. Not sure if this will turn out to be several posts or just one very long one. Probably best if I break them up!

Here goes:

What does devoting myself to prayer look like? Each day, I continue to try to empty myself of my confessions and concerns, submit to God's authority, and ask Holy Spirit to have control of every part of me...starting with my thoughts. I also ask for a mouth that glorifies Him...both with the input and the output. I ask to see His glory and power and to recognize it, even in the small things so I may praise His name throughout this day. And last, I speak to Him my desire to seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness because I can then rest in knowing He will provide for my needs.

I also have been challenged by Holy Spirit not to watch any movies or TV or listen to any music that would detract from His voice. I also recognize that I can't laugh at things (like a certain TV show I enjoy watching) that are opposed to His moral laws. When I was reading about how the disciples waited, I was struck with the fact that they probably weren't going to the temple daily to debate God's Word. They also wouldn't have been distracted by the media of the day (which true, was verbal proclamation in the town square or marketplace...not piped into their living quarters 24 hours a day!) or entertainment that abounded everywhere. Remember, this was part of the Roman Empire...indulging your passions and pleasures and living a life of luxury was the pursuit of any good Roman citizen. No, we are told "they devoted themselves to prayer" (Acts 1:14) so I believe that's exactly what they did!

So while I attempt to devote myself to prayer, the Holy Spirit has been faithful to bring Scripture to me that comforts, leads and directs. He's also covered some of my financial concerns with gifts that brought peace and assurance that we're on the right path...but more about those later!

I didn't intend to restart the Beth Moore Living Beyond Yourself series, but when I started rereading it, I couldn't stop. I felt drawn by the Spirit to start reading and just see where He leads. I could even say it was almost a compulsion to read it...I just had to! My husband and I have even started listening to the audio portions together. And God's timing, almost exactly three months TO THE DAY that I started it the first time, is as always...impeccable.

On Saturday, as I was contemplating God's Will for our future, the theme of the day in the study was "Pleasing God"...not man. Two of the Scriptures that deeply spoke to me were Jeremiah 29:13 and Isaiah 48:17-19.

"You will see Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart."--Jeremiah 29:13, NASB

"Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer,

The Holy One of Israel,

"I am the LORD your God,

Who teaches you to profit,

Who leads you by the way you should go.

Oh, that you had heeded My commandments!

Then your peace would have been like a river,

And your righteousness like the waves of the sea.

Your descendants also would have been like the sand,

And your offspring of your body like the grains of sand;

His name would not have been cut off

Nor destroyed from before Me."--Isaiah 48:17-19, NKJV

Hmmm?? Heed His commands and I will have flowing peace! This echoes again what He was saying and that I blogged about the last time. I think I'm on to something! Now, I realize both of these passages where originally spoken to Israel, but aren't they applicable to all who seek Him? Absolutely! Because we are promised that a characteristic or fruit of the Spirit is peace!

So why did these passages speak so loudly to me? Well, believe it or not, it has to do with brainstorming. As Dale and I have contemplated, discussed, fretted and even stewed over how to make ends meet and this impending possibility of me returning to work, he very wisely said, "Let's brainstorm some ideas later about how to make money." I was intrigued to hear his ideas but I was afraid he'd think mine bordered on ridiculous. When the idea came up to brainstorm though, he added that the point of brainstorming is not to poo-poo any of the ideas...he said, "In fact, that's a rule of brainstorming." I know he feared my analytical brain would kick in and start picking apart why we couldn't do any of his ideas...but in fact, I was picking apart mine so much that I convinced myself he might just even laugh out loud when he heard what was floating around in my brain.

You see, I've shared before, that I don't just dream...I dream BIG. I have a very vivid imagination and have always been one that could see myself doing something H-U-G-E for God. Over the years, I've reconciled that the biggest thing I ever do may be to break the cycle in our heritage of complacency, slavery to fear, and living a life for my own pleasures that was handed down to me. There's a lot more to this, but this is the gist of what I believe is God's overall calling on my life. And yet, while I focused on healing myself from past pains and breaking free from the slavery that was passed on to me, in the last year since I've started this blog, I've realized that doesn't mean I strictly focus on my kids and our family. What I believe it means is that Dale and I take our kids along as we serve. We share with them our needs, pray for them as a family and watch in amazement as God provides. And I believe Holy Spirit may now be telling us to focus on spending as much time as possible not just showing the kids how to grind out a living, but to truly LIVE by serving Him through service to others as often and as big as His grace will allow.

What I keep coming back to is how much peace and blessing I receive when we are serving and giving to others. What I am just unable to let go of is that there HAVE to be hundreds, if not thousands of people that feel that deep-down tug to let go and live out loud too...they just need someone to lead the way! The thing that haunts me is that there is a lost and dying world out there that is starving for food and the "Bread of Life" (John 6:35a). And all of this I absolutely believe is bundled up with the compassion, broken heart and love that God has given us for single moms, orphans and impoverished people all over the world.

Since Dale first mentioned brainstorming last Thursday, I listened to his ideas,but I couldn't put into words what my idea was. I wanted to test it with the Spirit, make certain it falls in line with God's plan for us and while I'm still waiting for positive confirmation, I felt like I had enough excitement and passion about it to share it with Dale. So Saturday, I launched into trying to explain my thoughts...which for a mildly ADD person whose thoughts fly at the speed of light, this is no easy task!

It went something like this:

"What if...He just wants us to dive into ministry to single moms on a more permanent basis? What if He's saying 'See all that I've done when you are giving and living outwardly focused. Can't you trust me to do more?' What if He's brought us all the way up to the edge and is now saying, "Leap! I'll catch you!"

I went on to give a few details of what I was thinking this may even look like...although I know that's not the point of brainstorming! I explained how we could make up brochures explaining the ministry, partner with ministries that are already in place, get the word out with friends, family, churches, etc., and even utilize this blog as a way for people all over the world to contribute to a mission that would not just impact women in Kentucky, but hopefully impact single women and their children all over the world! But I confessed to him that obviously, this is not a plan to make a lot of money and make ourselves rich. [I'd already even thought of how amazing would it be to set up right from the beginning to use no more than 25% of any donations for our living & ministry expenses and were able to completely dedicate the other 75% to the mission of loving and caring for single moms!] In fact, in many ways, it could make us even more dependent on God to provide for our needs. Actually, it's a total gamble. But I shared that I'm confident that if it's HIS plan, even if the world thinks we've failed...as long as we are obedient, I will never have to shoulder the guilt or shame of failing. God's plan + our obedience = God's results (whether successful or not!)

After spewing this out, I exhaled and waited for what I just KNEW would be God's confirmation through Dale that this was a hairbrained scheme and that it would never work and maybe even stronger language than that. I think his words were more like, "You see...I think you're on to something there." I'm teary just even thinking about his response two days later!

>Do I have all of the details worked out? No! Again, I believe God is a God of details and He WILL provide all the information, plans, etc., precisely when we need it.

Inexplicable Joy!

Today, I'm praising God for the inexplicable joy that only He can bring!

I still want to blog about what He's been teaching me regarding love, but it seems the lessons are coming so quickly that I can't find the time to sit down and write about it. It would take days to share all that He's been showing me and some of it's far too personal to divulge. But there are still some pieces of the huge puzzle that I know He wants me to share because it may help someone else on their journey.

And for today, He wants me to share about joy. The Beth Moore study has moved from the first gift of the Holy Spirit...love...to discussing joy. Over and over in my head, I keep hearing "Consider it pure joy" found in James 1:2. (Except I kept hearing it as 'I count it all joy'...must be the Angela-reduced memory version!) Keeping with Holy Spirit's theme of the day, the complete verse is "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials."(NASB, emphasis mine)

 

Keeping in mind that true joy from the Holy Spirit has to be grounded in God's agape love, I am amazed at how intricately related even the fruit of the Spirit is. Come to think of it, why am I surprised? After all, the complexity and intricacy of our bodies alone should be evidence enough of how our God can put complicated concepts together.

I've already been through two of Beth Moore's lessons on joy, but today had me teary-eyed as Holy Spirit showed me yet again, that all our family has been through has been for His good purpose...not just for the good purpose of our family even...but specifically for my good purpose. It should go without saying that I've seen this good purpose evidenced in my husband's life as well.

Moore writes, "One reason God allows us to experience troubles is because He desires to reveal His joy to us through restoration." "A consistent theme running throughout God's Word is the believer's trial resulting from God's perfect will. I am not referring to God's permissive will when we choose to go astray. I am referring to His perfect choice for us to know hardship for kingdom gain...times when He ordains difficulty in our lives."

I don't want to insinuate that Dale and I were never wrong about the way we handled our finances. We live in the United States and have been blessed beyond measure...of course we haven't been perfect with the money God has given us. And yes, there have even been times of complete disobedience in regard to stewardship of His resources. There are people that would say that we deserved what we got.

So who cares? I, my husband and God know the truth. And while some can look at His discipline and say it was the "natural consequences of your behaviour" I know that "I've experienced trials that I finally was forced to acknowledge as the absolute will of God. My life has never been easy...and I have finally confronted the fact that it probably never will be. Yet, in the same breath, I can readily proclaim that my life has been good. Part of the still-limited maturity I have gained is the result of realizing that good does not equal easy. Rarely has God removed from my life circumstances or people that force me to my knees. Many of my trials must have been ordained by Him because of the results they rendered." (emphasis mine) I didn't intend to quote so much of Moore's lesson, but these words could have been written by me verbatim.

In Jeremiah 31 God is revealing to Israel that restoration can follow discipline. Has the downwardly mobile journey I've been on been an exercise in discipline from my Abba? Of course, but discipline means basically "to teach". Praise God, He showed me a long time ago this wasn't some grand punishment thrown down from the heavens. Again, it goes back to "stripping down to run the race"...to become more like Him requires discipline. And I'm a fool if I think (or listen to anyone else tell me) for one minute that this is SELF-discipline. This is the kind of discipline (teaching) that can only come from an Abba (Daddy) that knows me better than I even know myself.

Now, throughout all of the last two and a half years, I've had two responses available to me. The first was to wallow and wonder what I'd done wrong...what "big picture" did I miss? I'm ashamed to say this was where I was stuck for a long time but I can look back and see that even in the midst of the darkness, shame, frustration and doubt I was so tormented because He was constantly calling me to embrace the second response: The acceptance that my loving Dad wants to teach me about HIS ways, HIS love, HIS desires for my heart, HIS perfect will for my life, HIS amazing plan that supercedes any stuff or money I could ever have. The freedom and joy of choosing the second response can NOT be explained with human words...but Jeremiah isn't given human words, they are Holy Spirit breathed.

What happens when I embrace the discipline and therefore the restoration of my Abba? The Bible study had me look for at least 10...I found even more! Look through Jeremiah 31 for yourself, you will be blessed! These are the ones that spoke to my heart today:

1. We will be His people
2. We will find grace in the wilderness (Interestingly the Greek word for grace is charis; the Greek word for joy is chara...see any similarities between grace and joy? If not, then you haven't yet experienced God's grace! And don't even get me started on the blessings of being in the wilderness...that's an entirely different post!)
3. He gives us rest
4. We shall be rebuilt
5. We shall rejoice with music and dancing
6. When following Him, we will not stumble
7. We will sorrow no more
8. He will turn mourning into joy
9. We shall be satisfied with His goodness
10. Our work will be rewarded
11. We can hope in our future 
12. He will satiate the weary soul (Amen!) 
13. We will have sweet sleep (Still grinding my teeth...but it IS getting better!)

 

As I went through this list, how could I not be teary? I have experienced so many of these that I KNOW the rest are coming!

 Can you think of a time when you experienced the discipline (teaching) of God? How did you respond? With wallowing and doubt or with joy and delight in His love for you? Maybe you're experiencing a period of discipline right now. Are you beginning to see how He's working everything out for His good purpose in your life? If not, hang on! He is faithful! Your only "job" is to trust Him. He is the one that does the work. Open your heart, open your ears and open your eyes to all that He is doing. He will reveal Himself and the joy of restoration IS coming. He guarantees it!

Amen!