Ever have one of those moments where something happens, or someone says something and you just know that you should have done something differently "way back when"? I had one of those moments just the other night. It felt like a confirmation from the Holy Spirit that was encouraging and not convicting. He didn't want me to beat myself up for not taking action years ago. I think He was just confirming that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
Confused yet? Hang on!
As of this writing, I am 42 years old. And from the age of 12 to 21 I sung classical music either through private lessons, high school choirs, ensembles, and even some musical theatre thrown in along the way (Not classical...but it was a passion!). I never had confidence in my abilities and never had anyone to support me in the pursuit of excellence but I loved singing. The height of my hobby was for 2 years in college being a part of a chamber choir that sang some pretty difficult music. I spent more time in private rehearsal rooms learning my part than I did on homework. I was good at it, loved the people I interacted with and looked forward to meeting for rehearsal every day.
Then after college being the good Christian girl that I now was, I looked for a place to use my gift & indulge my love of music within the church. I didn't have a degree in music, it wasn't my chosen profession, so what better place to use the gift God has given me than in the church? Right?
But there's not a lot of use for a classically-trained vocalist in the world of contemporary Christian music.
So the result was for over 20 years, I've been beating myself up that I must not be good enough. My gift has never been "in demand" (so to speak) & it's usually been a frustrating thing for me. I often choose to just not be a part of the choir, ensemble, etc. (or became a children's choir director or drama/technical director instead) because I felt so lost as to where I could be used. I even adapted my voice to fit the church because, after all, isn't church the place where you're supposed to worship God with music and creative talents?
And I'm a great mimic. I can listen to someone else sing a song & sing it almost exactly the way they do. Since I don't write original pieces, I've often felt like I'm just a carbon copy of the original artist when I sing. All of this has left me frustrated, sad & sometimes mad at myself that I don't use the gift God gave me. And as I said, I'm 42...I don't have too many quality singing years left.
Then back in December, I was actually looking for a choir to get my teenager into & found one for myself. It's a community choir that sings classical music. I knew my voice was out of shape & wondered if I'd even have the breath support to do it, but I'm so thankful my husband strongly encouraged me to join. It even has meant missing our cell group but I have enjoyed going every week.
So far, I've met a couple of ladies, but I couldn't tell you their names. A few words here & there is all that have been exchanged. Then this week, my moment (as I first referred to) occurred.
Someone I'd not met before introduced herself and invited me to sit by her instead of off by myself as I usually do. Then after about 20 minutes of singing, she looked at her friend next to her and said about me, "This lady's good!" I was floored!
I've been surprised at how quickly my voice has come back. It's not 21 again, but nothing else in my body is either. And I chose to sing 2nd Soprano originally because I feared the high notes, now I hear myself hitting them stronger and clearer than most of the 1st Sopranos. And after Katie's compliment (& subsequent conversation about my training & background) that moment of realization came. It was like the Holy Spirit whispered to my heart, "I never said you had to sing contemporary music or that it had to be in church. You came up with that on your own."
So the text is in Latin & it doesn't appeal to the masses. Who cares? As I study the text and translations they are just as deeply religious and worshipful as any song I hear on Christian radio...possibly more so. And so what if I'm not singing on Sunday morning? Tuesday night can be just as full of worship too. Best of all...this is my voice, the way God created it to be...not just a mimic of someone else that I've heard.
God gives each of us very specific gifts and talents. For too many years (more than I care to admit) I've been trying to fit my gift to what the church had to offer. Instead, maybe I should have been seeking out & participating in choirs and groups that would fit what God gave me to offer!
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