Back To the Playground

Do you ever get to a place in your Journey when you think you've settled something unattractive in your life, packed it away, shipped it off to God's sea of forgetfulness, only to have it rear its ugly, green-eyed, scaly-horned head again in the most unlikely place?

Such was a bit of my morning yesterday.

It was no one's fault but my own insecurities and my Enemy's adept ability to know my weaknesses. I take full responsibility for letting him have a toehold. 24 hours later, I'm thankful to be humbled, but really never want it to happen again.

It's been just under two years since I wrote about how grateful I was that God chooses us because of our weaknesses. Yet, yesterday I felt like the fat kid on the playground again who just wants more than anything to not be the last one chosen. 

We will be leading a Lifegroup this fall and I'm also part of a reconfiguring of small group leaders on our Bible study morning. Both of these have been prayed for, prayed through, led entirely by the Holy Spirit and are amazing, wonderful blessings as to how He has worked them out every step of the way. His hand has been obvious, comforting and there is not one negative in regards to either.

It's me.

I confess. It's me.

I am apparently still that 10 year old girl, insecure and afraid of not being chosen. I will add that I was completely disregarding that no one was signing up for the other two Lifegroups represented either. Apparently, I'm still ego-centric enough to not care about that part of the tale...but I did later take some comfort when Holy Spirit (and my husband) brought this to my attention.

Okay, so now you know just how pitiful I am. Let me give you the wonderful way Holy Spirit turned this around (of course He did!) for me just a short time later and has still been working it out in me on this beautiful morning. 

First He reminded me of that blog post I referenced above. God chose me because of my weaknesses, in spite of them, and because then He can demonstrate His power more perfectly! My weaknesses also shine a massive spot light on just how needy I stand in His Presence.

That's beautiful right there.

But...in case there was any lingering doubt...this morning I read in A Million Little Ways: Uncover the Art You Were Made to Live

"Sometimes don't we just want to be picked? It's true God picks me. But there is sometimes a disconnect for me between God picking me as a child he loves and God empowering me to make an impact in the world around me.

Seth Godin hosted a day gathering in Tribecca last summer and it had a simple, two-word theme for attendees. Pick Yourself.

"Once you understand that there are problems just waiting to be solved, once you realize that you have all the tools and all the permission you need, then opportunities to contribute abound. No one is going to pick you. Pick yourself."

It's an important message to me. Because even though I know my identity as a believer is solid in Christ, if I don't decide to believe it for myself, then it won't impact the way I love, the way I live, or the way I work. I may be able to be effective and even successful in the world's eyes but until I pick myself, I'm not sure I will be truly making art with my life.

When I filter that statement through the reality of my life in Christ, it becomes even more powerful. Have I been given a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind? Am I an image bearer? Do I have a job to do? Then what else could I possibly be waiting for?"

In the past, I have often been paralyzed by my insecurity of not being "picked", my fear of not being useful and living a wasted life and my ever-present self-talk of "why would anyone want to hear what I have to say?" I can't live in the Land of Self-Pity though...I need to be about my Father's business.

I am not surprised at the timing of these battles because my Enemy has pulled out all the stops. Holy Spirit has been leading my thoughts and desires into new, unexplored territories and it's going to be a roller coaster of emotions, scheduling, focus and determination. But I know I have a God that simply wants me to say "Yes!" when He calls. The results are left up to Him.

As I keep saying my timid and terrified yeses, my Enemy is ramping up his tactical arsenal of obliteration. I am not surprised by this, just confounded at how easily I slip and skin my knee on the asphalt of my playground nightmare. How do I keep from slipping on the same well-worn patch of fears and regrets? 

I already have my "team" of praying friends surrounding me on one project and I'm getting ready to gather up a new "team" for the next one. It's also no coincidence that right before heading into uncharted waters, God's Spirit called me to a committed time of prayer each morning. If you, reading this post, want to pray for my focus, obedience and listening to the Spirit's leading too, I would not turn down that amazing gift...ever. 

Mark Batterson writes that as we intercede for others, we need people interceding for us. I have humbly acknowledged that I can't intercede, write or do anything else without people I know and love praying for me. The same goes for you. 

So gather your "team". Sign them up to pray as you seek the discernment of the Spirit and break loose of the chains our Enemy uses to bind us and keep us quiet. My God is faithful and true. He is leading an all-out assault on the Gates of Hades and I need to stop sitting on the bench and waiting for someone to pick me.

I pick myself.

And...

I pick you!

Join my team (which is actually God's team!) and together we will find the Voice God gave us, the mission He has prepared for us, and the unending joy of a life well-lived for His glory.

Amen!